UPJOKE
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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

So a town is flooding.

A massive flood is happening in a small town. Many people are running and screaming trying to find safe haven.

A young woman however just goes up to her 2nd floor as the water continues to rise. Once she gets there, a boat comes up to her house and the men aboard yell, "Come aboard m'am, we'l...

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change

apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.

A tale of two prawns

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.
Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a praw...

Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding

It's a good thing frogs can swim

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding?

Dam it!

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

An old but timely parable / joke for our times

A river valley was flooding fast. A TV news bulletin warned residents to get to higher ground. But as everyone was evacuating, a smug Evangelist stood his ground and declared "I will pray to God to deliver me from this disaster!"

So he prayed.

Some time went by and the floodwaters ro...

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan

Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

An old woman wakes up one morning to find her town flooding..

The water has filled her first floor and is quickly rising, she looks out the upstairs window and sees 2 men in a row boat. They yell up to her to jump into the water and they will take her to safety. The woman yells back "No! God will provide." "Suit yourself!" the men say, and row away.

A f...

Big flood.

Local priest is listening to the news about a bad storm moving in and how the flooding is expected to be bad enough to warrant evacuations.
The lord will protect me he says under his breath.
Fast forward to ten hours later and he is on the roof watching the waters get higher and higher.
A b...

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

A man & his wife are golfing...

He takes his shot and it slices waaaay over into the neighbor’s farm & lands right in front of the barn. He’s irritated because he knows he’ll lose a stroke just to get the ball back on the fairway.

His wife gets an idea though. “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I can hold the barn door open for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in agai...

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