911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

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A pastor is hiring a new bell boy to ring the church bell.

So a boy walks in with no arms, that wants to apply for the job. The pastor says "I don't think you qualify". The boy responds with "nonsense, let me show you"

They head up the bell tower. The boy proceeds to get a running start and headbutts the bell to make it ring. The pastor shakes his he...

Whats the difference between my son and taco bell

I love taco bell

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

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Today, I ate a bunch of Taco Bell.









Lots of shit went down.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

Shout out to Taco Bell hot sauce packets

For teaching me how to flirt!

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Three southern belles....

Muffy, Tiffy, and Blanche we’re sitting out on the veranda one afternoon, discussing their anniversaries.

Muffy: ‘for my anniversary, mah husband gave me a spa trip to Arizona.’

Tiffy and Blanche: ‘how nice, how nice!’

Tiffy: ‘for mah anniversary, my husband gave me a trip to Pa...

What is Belle Delphines favorite TV show?

The Simpsons


Edit:
Came up with that joke by myself. I’m ashamed and proud at the same time.

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

I tried eating the whole Taco Bell menu once..

They kindly asked me to get off the counter

Edward Carrington Marshal, the only son of John Marshall, who was the original owner of the famous Liberty Bell, was found dead.

Police suspect Will Smith, since his fresh prints were found on the bell heir.

I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice...

...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t make any noise

Why did the scientist remove the bell off the house?

Because he wanted to win the NoBell prize.

Which cow needs to wear a bell?

The one whose horns don't work.

Why do stoners like bells so much?

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

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I think Taco Bell was the tastiest laxative I've ever had.

I shit you not.

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog

She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

The Time Keeper, The Clock Maker, and The Bell Ringer

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off

Wanting ...

Why doesn't the bell ring at the gym?

It's a dumb-bell.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come and a...

Why is Tinker Bell always flying around?

Because she lives in Neverland.

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

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Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin...

After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”.

He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick.

After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and ...

Two blonde Mexican girls walk past a Taco Bell.

One looks at the other and says "Hey, I didn't know we owned a telephone company."

What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

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Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

I drove by the Taco Bell drive-thru last night and it was empty.

Then I realized everyone is out of toilet paper!

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

Did you hear about the Bell Pepper flavored vodka?

It makes you bell-igerent.

A dad joke

Dumbbell? It must be a pretty dumb bell if it doesn't ring

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

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Guy goes to the doctor and says his sex life is horrible. All the spontaneity is gone.

The doctor says, "Go home, ring the bell, and when your wife answers, tear her clothes off and fuck the shit out of her."

So, the guy does it and comes back to tell the doctor. The doctor asks, "How'd it go?"

"My wife was okay with it I guess, but her bridge club -- they went wild."

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

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A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.

As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a boy sitting on the stoop. "Is your mother home?", he asked.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him pass. The salesman rang the bell three times but got no response. He then knocked on the door loudly but got no answer. Exaspe...

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

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Dad, Sister and Mum

So my dad is in the bathroom shaving his beard as usual, when he drops his razor and shouts "Dick!"

I ask "What does Dick Mean?"

He says it means "Beard" and I say "Okay"

I go downstairs into the living room, where my sister is eating Cake. She drops the spoon she is using onto ...

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

What's six feet tall and has an enormous dong?

The liberty bell.

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Pavlov walks into a bar when the bell rings

He stares, “oh shit, I forgot to feed my dogs”

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Coincidentally, my friend asked me if I knew who Pavlov was while I was taking my intro to Psychology class.

I told him: "yeah, that name rings a bell"

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

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I don't like my neighbor, so I stole his bell.

He got the No Bell prize for being a jerk.

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

The Person Who Was In Charge of Ringing the Bell in the Bell Tower Wanted To Go On Vacation

To do this, he had to find someone to ring the bell each day, or he couldn't go. After looking for several days, he hadn't found anyone willing to do it. Discouraged, he went home and got on his computer to cancel his flight/hotel. Right before he canceled them, he heard a knock at the door. He got ...

Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

A church's bell ringer passed away.

So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting
the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.


They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.


The next ...

Why my dog always goes to stand in the corner whenever my door bell rings?

My dog is a boxer

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!

(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue

Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

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Doggos gonna doggo

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and t...

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Do you know

That the guy who invented the knock knock jokes won the no-bell prize

Three Nuns

Three nuns are walking down a street when they get hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck; dead on impact. Now they are waiting at the gate to be let into heaven. They are told they each have to answer one question correctly to be let in. If they answer wrong, they go straight to hell. The first nun ...

Did you hear about the guy who made up the knock knock joke?

He won a "no bell" prize

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A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.

One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally oral sex will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's...

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It's Halloween evening, and the door bell goes

I get up and answer the door expecting to see some cute kids dressed in appropriate outfits, you know witches, zombies etc etc. So I was quite unprepared for what I saw when I opened the door...a group of maybe 15 year olds just wearing their normal clothes. Tracksuits and baseball caps maybe 5 or 6...

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

What's Taco Bell's secret sauce recipe?

No idea, they keep it under wraps.

I'll show myself out.

What is you’re best taco/ Mexican food pun?

Hey reddit! So currently I work at Taco Bell taking orders in the drive thru. With covid-19 all going around, a lot of people have been more down compared to before. So I’ve been trying to make their days somewhat better. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: “hi welcome to Taco Bell, how ...

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3 men are working on a new high rise building when the lunch bell rings...

The first man opens his lunch and says... "Oh my gosh! Rice and beans? If I get rice and beans for lunch one more time, I’m going to go to the top of this building and jump off!"

The second man opens his lunch and says... "Oh my gosh! Fried rice and chicken? If I get fried rice and chicken f...

Did you hear about the new cathedral with no chimes whose towers won an architectural award?

It won the no-bell prize.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

Why do morris dancers wear bells?

So the blind can be irritated by them as well

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.


The ...

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should....

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wakanda.

Wakanda who?

Wakanda bell do you have, it don't work

A bus load of blind people were on a day trip and the bus driver starts getting tired...

He says to the blind people, "I'm pretty knackered. I'm going to stop at the next pub for a bite to eat and a drink, what are you all going to do?"

One of them replies, "No worries, we'll have a little game of football." "Football?!" The driver cries, "But you're all blind!"

The blind...

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

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