Why do cows wear bell?

because their horns don't work.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

### “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.


“So, what’s your story?”


The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from co...

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

The Time Keeper, The Clock Maker, and The Bell Ringer

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off

Wanting ...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

Why doesn't the bell ring at the gym?

It's a dumb-bell.

Two blonde Mexican girls walk past a Taco Bell.

One looks at the other and says "Hey, I didn't know we owned a telephone company."

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

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Most people don't know that Big Ben isn't the name of the clock, but of the bell.

The clock is Tickity Ted the Time-Telling Bitch

Why is Tinker Bell always flying around?

Because she lives in Neverland.

What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

What's six feet tall and has an enormous dong?

The liberty bell.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Did you hear about the Bell Pepper flavored vodka?

It makes you bell-igerent.

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

in the church there is a priest and a bellman

the bellman asks the priest if he could take some time off to go on holiday the priest says sure but you have to find someone to cover for you he says "sure i already had someone in mind, problem is he has no arms " the pries confused asks "how will he ring the bell?" the bellman replies with "don't...

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

Did you hear about the guy who made up the knock knock joke?

He won a "no bell" prize

Do you know

That the guy who invented the knock knock jokes won the no-bell prize

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Pavlov walks into a bar when the bell rings

He stares, “oh shit, I forgot to feed my dogs”

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I don't like my neighbor, so I stole his bell.

He got the No Bell prize for being a jerk.

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

What is you’re best taco/ Mexican food pun?

Hey reddit! So currently I work at Taco Bell taking orders in the drive thru. With covid-19 all going around, a lot of people have been more down compared to before. So I’ve been trying to make their days somewhat better. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: “hi welcome to Taco Bell, how ...

The Person Who Was In Charge of Ringing the Bell in the Bell Tower Wanted To Go On Vacation

To do this, he had to find someone to ring the bell each day, or he couldn't go. After looking for several days, he hadn't found anyone willing to do it. Discouraged, he went home and got on his computer to cancel his flight/hotel. Right before he canceled them, he heard a knock at the door. He got ...

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

Why my dog always goes to stand in the corner whenever my door bell rings?

My dog is a boxer

A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should....

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

A church's bell ringer passed away.

So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting
the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.


They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.


The next ...

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!

(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue

Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

An Old Man Came Home

An old man came home and his door bell was removed. After standing there for 10 minutes pondering he said "something seems off but I can't put a finger on it

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

A bus load of blind people were on a day trip and the bus driver starts getting tired...

He says to the blind people, "I'm pretty knackered. I'm going to stop at the next pub for a bite to eat and a drink, what are you all going to do?"

One of them replies, "No worries, we'll have a little game of football." "Football?!" The driver cries, "But you're all blind!"

The blind...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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It's Halloween evening, and the door bell goes

I get up and answer the door expecting to see some cute kids dressed in appropriate outfits, you know witches, zombies etc etc. So I was quite unprepared for what I saw when I opened the door...a group of maybe 15 year olds just wearing their normal clothes. Tracksuits and baseball caps maybe 5 or 6...

What's Taco Bell's secret sauce recipe?

No idea, they keep it under wraps.

I'll show myself out.

Who invented the first telephone?

Does it ring any bells?

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

When Hiking Near Bears. [long]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows...

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wakanda.

Wakanda who?

Wakanda bell do you have, it don't work

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A traveling salesman is going door to door selling vaccum cleaners.

He goes up to one house, rings the bell and waits for an answer. The door opens and standing in front of him is a lil boy, who cannot be anymore than 7 years old. In one hand he's got a pint of beer and hanging out of his mouth is a lit cigar.

"Little boy, are your parents at home?" The sales...

Why do morris dancers wear bells?

So the blind can be irritated by them as well

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

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I expect today to be a really shitty day...

May as well start it off with Taco Bell for breakfast.

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

A millionaire widow wants to remarry

So she goes to the local newspaper to place an ad (old I know). The ad reads: “Millionaire Widow looking for a husband, only 3 requirements:
To never hit me, to never leave me and to be well endowed.”
She goes home and early the next day she hears the door bell, goes to her master bedroom wind...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Why does the cow wear a bell?

Because the horn isn't working.

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A fireman and his wife (NSFW)

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.

Bell 3 rings and we jump on the trucks."

"From now on," he continues, "we're go...

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

My favorite Clean Joke

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man ...

Dog Joke

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle f...

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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So Quasimodo is fed up of being the bell ringer of Notre Dame and wants to quit...

He puts an ad out in the newspaper,

"NEW BELL RINGER NEEDED FOR NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, TRIALS THIS SUNDAY AT THE BELL TOWER".

Sunday comes around and Quasimodo is waiting patiently at the base of his tower. No one has turned up and he's losing faith that anyone will before the Sunday s...

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A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Did you know Tinker Bell got a fat older brother?

His name is Taco Bell.

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

The armless bell-ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of
Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that
a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observi...

Parody of “Jinga Bells”

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!<...

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi? Seco...

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

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All of this toilet paper hoarding is going to lead to a toilet paper mafia and, eventually, Godfather

And he’ll say, “You come to me on the day of Taco Bell, and you ask me for a favor. “

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So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy ...

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.

The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times. The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car...the guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door...the guy falls dow...

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late

Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kev...

A local church is holding auditions for a new bell ringer.

A line of applicants soon forms and the Reverend decides to test how well each can do the job.


After several people give it a go, one simple looking man caught the Reverend's attention by slamming his face into the church bell to make it sound.


"My friend that was impressive"...

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

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3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate...

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