UPJOKE
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Calf Jokes

What did the mama cow say to their calf when she caught it staying up late?

Hay, it's pasture bedtime!

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

What did the Farmer tell the calf, who couldn't sleep?

Pasture bed time

What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

Why Did everyone gravitate towards the mature calf?

He was like a bull.

What does a calf use to do maths?

A cowculator.

How tall are baby cows?

About calf height

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered?

Little miss Steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

A young calf went to the deli’s by himself even though he was told to stay home.

He was grounded afterwards.

This boy and girl went to a party dressed as calf meat.

I felt like a bit of a third veal.

What do you call a calf that doesn't listen to its parents?

Grounded beef.
This was made up by my 12 year old brother when we saw a calf escaped the enclosure on a neighbouring farm. I'll let him know what you all think.

Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

After a cow gives birth...

...is she then de-calf-enated?

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

A cow is talking to her three calves

The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."

The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"

The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."

The third calf says "Hargendflarfr...

Why do farmers have such strong legs?

Because they are calf-raising.

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

A motorist and a rancher.

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth $9...

The ranchers

Two ranchers are out working on some fence. They happen upon a calf that is entangled in the wire. The older, more experienced rancher, Bill, looks at the younger one, pulls his pants down and begins to have his way with the calf. When he’s done, he looks at his protege, Ralph, and says, “your turn....

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

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One if my favorite jokes to tell.

The was a mama cow with 3 baby calves. The first calf named sunlight came up to her and asked, "Mama, why am I named sunlight?"
The mama replied, "When you were born, a ray if sunlight landed on your head."
The second calf named butterfly came up to her and asked, "Mama, why am I named butterf...

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Joe was an observant young man. NSFW

He observed a calf sucking on its mother's nipple.
He further observed that the nipple was shaped much like a penis.
When he had the opportunity to do so he stuck his penis in front of a hungry calf's mouth.
He then observed the calf suck his penis in the same manner that it sucked its moth...

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Bus Driver

While driving the bus, the driver heard a little boy sitting in the front seat and saying, if my dad was a dog and mom was bitch, I would have been a puppy. If my dad was and ox and mom a cow, I would have been a calf. The boy continued with a long list of animals until the bus driver became super a...

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So there's a farmer in his barn yard with a bull and a cow...

The farmer wants the bull to get his cow pregnant with a calf. The bull however is not interested in that at all and just wants to eat grass all day. The farmer gets the bright idea to try to get the bull feeling frisky himself. He takes his hand and shoves it into the cow's vagina. He then pulls it...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

A conversation between God and Moses at the top of Mt. Sinai.....

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignora...

There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mom replies: "Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf comes up. "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mom replies: "When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."<...

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

If a veterinarian says a pregnant cow needs to have an abortion...

Does that mean he's ordering a de-calf?

Wanna hear a joke about legs?

It's a real knee slapper.

And that pun was only calf of the joke.

Ok, time to see if a Scottish joke translates...

Two cows are standing in a field, which one is going on holiday?


The one with the wee calf.

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

How did Moses break all the laws at once?

He threw them on the Golden Calf...

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here ...

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

Where do you put a tattoo of a baby cow?

On your calf

An old farmer calls his vet

“Morning doc, I think my cat is constipated, what should I do?”

“Morning Frank, I’d suggest just giving him a quart of cod liver oil and call me back and let me know how he’s doing”

After a couple of days, the vet hears nothing from the farmer, so he calls the farmer up and says, “hey ...

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?

Half calf

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A salesman finds himself at a farm.

And the farmer catches him getting amorous with the farmers daughter. So the farmer whacks him over the head, knocking him out.

He wakes up that afternoon, tied up naked to a pole in the barn. He spends the whole night tied up. The next morning, the farmer comes out and asks, "well now, ho...

A Christian Farmer is overjoyed to see his cow is pregnant

Not being in need; he plans raise the cow and sell the procedes for pure profit

Time passes and the cow ultimately gives birth to two calves.

The Farmer is even happier! Rejoicing and Thanking the Lord.

He tells his wife, "God has been so gracious to us, when I sell these two ca...

Hobby farm (long)

A city couple, Jim and Fiona bought a small farm to retire on, complete with four cows, but no bull. They wanted the cows to have calves, but couldn’t justify the expense of buying a bull when they only had four cows. As luck would have it, the farmer down the road ran a stud and had prize bulls. Ji...

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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NSFW So I was with this girl...

and while fingering her I noticed how loose she was.

Feeling adventurous I decided to try for 4 fingers - no problem. After a few seconds I thought I'd see if she could handle my fist. She was going nuts and my fist went in without incident, so I decided to see how crazy I could get.
<...

What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise?

Calf Raises.

Fast enough, I think . . .

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, taking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask...

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An older man wants to buy a farm to spend the rest of his time on.

He visits multiple ones which are all very beautiful and once he has a chat with the owner. The farm is very beautiful but you know I am afraid of bees and your 3 colonies at the end of the property would seriously make me feel worried. The farmer replies that the man shouldn't worry about the bees ...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The bu...

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

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Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured h...

Selling the Farm

A farmer and his wife decide to sell their land and move to Florida to retire.

A prospective buyer comes by and likes the place, but there's a problem: He's deathly afraid of bees and, on a tour of the property, he noticed a lot of them.

The farmer says, "There's always been bees arou...

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