A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

What do you call an Amazon warehouse worker who likes hip hop?

A bubble wrapper

(My 15yo son came up with this while assembling his computer chair popping the bubble wrap to a beat)

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

What do call a Hip Hop group that consists of furries?

The Uwu-Tang Clan.

The coolest man in the hospital...

Is the ultrasound guy.
Except on his day off, when it’s the hip replacement man.

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

What is Jeffrey Toobin favorite hip hop song?

Rump Shaker : "All I want to do is zoom zoom and poom poom".

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

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Did you hear about the prostitute that got a vagina implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some money on the side

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Iraqi girls are really good hip hop dancers

They really know how to Baghdad ass up

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

What do you call existentialist hip-hop music?

Angsta Rap

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

What does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?

Hip hop.

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

["Hip", "Hip"]

Hip Hip Array

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

My grandpa loves to listen to music on the radio.

His favorite genre is Hip-pop.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

I can't roll my r's...

But I can wiggle my hips.

What do you call trendy internal prosthetics?

Hip implants

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

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What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

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Hips don't lie.

Some woman went completely batshit on me in town today. All I said was that her kid was a 'right little hipster'. Apparently, the correct term is 'Conjoined twins'.

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

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A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…

…but it's great for their calves.

What's the most musical animal?

A hip hopopotamus

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

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I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.”

The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look ...

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg today.

I guess you can say he had a big iron on his hip...

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station?

They wanted to get the lead out.

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

Three cheers for obese people! Hip hip...

...problems

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

2 people were walking through the woods, and one of them was really hungry.

He pointed at a tree and said, "Look, a bacon tree!" He ran towards it, and immediately got hit by 3 rocks in the chest, legs and hip.

The other person said,

"That wasn't a bacon tree, that was a ham bush."

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

TIFU by complimenting a co-worker's womanly hips.

Get over it, Steve.

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A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

I once mind-controlled my sister and got her killed

Now they call me hip no sis

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

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What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

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