My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

What do you call a furry hip hop group?

the uwu-tang clan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

I shot a hipster in the foot

now she's a hopster

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

So, a stutterer was a wedding

He stand's up and says:

-hip, hip

And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:

-HURRAY

The stutterer, tried again, but louder

-HIP!! HIP!!

Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!

-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

Three cheers for obese people! Hip hip...

...problems

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

A woman goes shopping with her husband

She spots a pair of boots she loves, the husband says “no chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower into her thigh.

She turns to him and says “no chance love, i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

I saw my dad icing his hip today and asked him what was wrong...

He said "Nothing, I've just always wanted to be a cool hip dad"

What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…

…but it's great for their calves.

A girl returns from US to see her father in India.

Being from a poor village, it was a big deal for the father seeing their daughter who became a successful nurse in the states.

The girl had brought some presents for her father, which included a cool looking boxer.
The people in the village were accustomed to wearing a lungi ( a large clo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make a little money on the side.

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

A communist Jew, an old hag who tries to be hip, a manic reality tv star, a bible thumper, a robot and an old man from Ohio who forgot to take his meds walk into a bar....

Pick one to be your next president

A priest gets into quicksand

he notices he can´t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he cou...

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

TIFU by complimenting a co-worker's womanly hips.

Get over it, Steve.

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station?

They wanted to get the lead out.

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)

Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of break...

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

A dog walks into a saloon

All the patrons go quiet as they look at the dog who’s wearing spurs and a cowboy hat, with a gun on his hip.

The bartender says, “now listen here partner, we don’t want any trouble. What’s your business?”

The dog lets out a faint growl, lifts up his front right leg and replies, “I’m l...

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

What music to kangaroos like??

Hip hop!!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

&#...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite sex position.

So me and my girl were talking about previous lovers and what our favorite sex position was in our last relationship as well as our ex's favorite. So she went first and said that her ex-boyfriend's favorite position was doggy-style because he could grab her by her hips and really get in deep. She sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work

A man comes home from work to the sound of sobbing coming from the bedroom so he goes upstairs to see what's going on. Upon entering the marital bedroom he finds his wife standing naked & crying in front of the full length mirror.
"Darling, what's wrong?" He asks.

His wife replies " I'...

I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

So why do you think you qualify for this interrogation position?

Me: I posses expert knowledge on this topic that allows me to always discover the truth.

Interviewer: And what is that knowledge?

Me: Look at the hips

Interviewer: Why would that help?

Me: Hips don't lie

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa

He turns on the tv and looks at his wife "quick" he says "get me a beer and some food before it starts!"


The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen in a bit of a daze and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband whom is ...

A sweet young girl entered a pet shop

and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"


The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby?"


She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

Dave had only one leg.

Every night he would sit at the pub, cradling his beer his trousers looking deflated below the knee. Yet the men found it hard to feel sorry for him as every night, he would go home with another beautiful girl. One day, young chuck, overcome with curiosity, decided to ask him his secret. He bought D...

Where do skeletons go for a night out?

Anywhere as long as it’s a hip joint

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old cowboy walks into a bar

He's wearing a sun-tanned hat, a weathered and dusty leather jacket, and boots with spurs. He has a sheathed knife on his left hip, and on his right a holstered revolver.

A beautiful young woman comes up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, I'm sure you get this a lot, but are you really a cowbo...

What do you call a person that made rap before it was cool?

A Hip-Hopster

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

Cop: where are you in the night of the murder?

Shakira: at my home.

Shakira's Hips: she's at the bar where the murder take place.

Shakira: son of a--

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

Dr Dre may not be a real medic...

...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

This guy comes in on Crutches to his Doctor.

This guy comes in on Crutches to his Doctor. The Doctor says, what's going on? The guy says, My leg really hurts. It's making funny noises too. He said Doc, Put your head down by my hip, and listen. The Doc hears "Got 5 bucks you can give me?" The Doctor said strange. Then the guy says, Listen to my...

Whole Arm

So I’m fingering this fat girl and she's so sloppy, I start using two fingers. She says she barely feels it and says to stick my whole hand in. I told her no, that I didnt want to hurt her, but she insisted so I did. She moaned and demanded more! Amazed, l slid my whole arm up inside her and she moa...

Three blondes walking through the woods...

One of them stops and points at the ground in excitement saying, "Oh my gosh look. Those are like, bunny tracks!"

"Those are so not bunny tracks. They're deer tracks." The second blonde says in a matter-of-fact tone.

The third blonde, with hands on her hips, says "Your both wrong. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says,
“I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says,
“how about taking a strol...