This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip doctor.

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

So, a stutterer was a wedding

He stand's up and says:

-hip, hip

And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:

-HURRAY

The stutterer, tried again, but louder

-HIP!! HIP!!

Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!

-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!...

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

What do you call a furry hip hop group?

the uwu-tang clan

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

I shot a hipster in the foot

now she's a hopster

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

What happens when Santa shakes his hips really fast?

Jingle balls.

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I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

I saw my dad icing his hip today and asked him what was wrong...

He said "Nothing, I've just always wanted to be a cool hip dad"

Three cheers for obese people! Hip hip...

...problems

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. W...

Two guys are walking down a street and see an old man in front of them.

He walks in such a weird manner that is almost similar to a duck. Somehow this walk bothers the two guys. "I wonder why he's walking that way. What could be the reason for that?" one guy asks the other. The Other guy replies "Maybe he got into an accident recently and might have broken his hip or so...

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…

…but it's great for their calves.

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Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make a little money on the side.

What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

TIFU by complimenting a co-worker's womanly hips.

Get over it, Steve.

What's the most popular music amongst the elderly?

Hip pop

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

What do you call rap and country?

Hip-Haw.

What do you call a female Native American hip hop artist?

Arapahoe

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

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A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

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What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

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My doctor told me there'd be side effects from taking Viagra.

He never told me my wife needing a hip replacement would be one of them.

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

Moses, Jesus, and an old old man are playing golf the other dayyyyy.... [longish]

Moses tees off, and the ball heads straight for the water hazard. *plop*
He walks over and uses his club to part the water, and smacks the ball up to the green. One more stroke gets him the par 3.

Jesus is up next and his ball too, goes straight for the water hazard. Luckily it hovers jus...

A guy goes to the doctor.....

.....he is told that he has Tom Jones disease.
“Tom Jones disease? Is that rare?” The guy asks looking worried.
The doctor jumps on the table, shakes his hips and says “It’s not unusual”.

A woman goes shopping with her husband

She spots a pair of boots she loves, the husband says “no chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower into her thigh.

She turns to him and says “no chance love, i...

What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop, the weren't grasshoppers after all

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance..

The rabbit says "tango?"

He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"

A girl returns from US to see her father in India.

Being from a poor village, it was a big deal for the father seeing their daughter who became a successful nurse in the states.

The girl had brought some presents for her father, which included a cool looking boxer.
The people in the village were accustomed to wearing a lungi ( a large clo...

A priest gets into quicksand

he notices he can´t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he cou...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]







Doctor: it looks like ...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa

He turns on the tv and looks at his wife "quick" he says "get me a beer and some food before it starts!"


The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen in a bit of a daze and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband whom is ...

A sweet young girl entered a pet shop

and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"


The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby?"


She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a...

A dog walks into a saloon

All the patrons go quiet as they look at the dog who’s wearing spurs and a cowboy hat, with a gun on his hip.

The bartender says, “now listen here partner, we don’t want any trouble. What’s your business?”

The dog lets out a faint growl, lifts up his front right leg and replies, “I’m l...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

So why do you think you qualify for this interrogation position?

Me: I posses expert knowledge on this topic that allows me to always discover the truth.

Interviewer: And what is that knowledge?

Me: Look at the hips

Interviewer: Why would that help?

Me: Hips don't lie

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My favorite sex position.

So me and my girl were talking about previous lovers and what our favorite sex position was in our last relationship as well as our ex's favorite. So she went first and said that her ex-boyfriend's favorite position was doggy-style because he could grab her by her hips and really get in deep. She sa...

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