UPJOKE
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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

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Hip-fucking-hip-hip-hooray for me! Just made my last mortgage payment.

Don't get me wrong, I still owe like $187,000, I'm just not paying any more.

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Did you hear about the prostitute who had a second pussy implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some extra money on the side.

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy. Her mother asks her, "Where did you get that candy!?"

"Little Johnny paid me five dollars to climb the flagpole at school!" she laughed. "So I bought candy!"

"You friggin' idiot!" her mom says. "He was just try...

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

What can you say about a hip hop artist that does the music of today?

Santa really likes him because he’s rapping the present.

I will never give Hip Hop to my friends for Christmas again...

Every time they open their presents, they immediately trash the 'rappers!

What do you call an Amazon warehouse worker who likes hip hop?

A bubble wrapper

(My 15yo son came up with this while assembling his computer chair popping the bubble wrap to a beat)

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart.

Sally was on the left side of the hip.

What do call a Hip Hop group that consists of furries?

The Uwu-Tang Clan.

What extends flexibly from the hips, is 71 cm long in men, and has the letters P, E, N, I, and S?

A spine

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

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Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

A sudden ruckus from the chicken coop wakes the old farmer and his wife.

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,...

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

I’m so hip

I’m practically a pelvis.

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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So I had my prostate exam today…

and the doc had me bend over with my pants and underwear down.

He put his left hand on my hip and his right hand he…wait…he put his right hand on my hip and…

You know what? That bastard had both hands on my hips!

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

What do you call existentialist hip-hop music?

Angsta Rap

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…

…but it's great for their calves.

My grandpa loves to listen to music on the radio.

His favorite genre is Hip-pop.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

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New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

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getting prepped for a wedding

So there was this young man who was getting married and was worried because he didn't know how to do it. He asked an older friend of his for some advice and his friend told him to tape a nickel on each side of his hips ,a dime on his butt and a dollar on his dick. He told to go home and practice swi...

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

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I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

A communist Jew, an old hag who tries to be hip, a manic reality tv star, a bible thumper, a robot and an old man from Ohio who forgot to take his meds walk into a bar....

Pick one to be your next president

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

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An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow

An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow. Since his wife passed away years ago and he has not been active since then, he decides to take the opportunity and go the red-light district.

After a short negotiation on the street, he follows a tall, skinny lady into a darkened hotel room. Fuck...

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

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Hips don't lie.

Some woman went completely batshit on me in town today. All I said was that her kid was a 'right little hipster'. Apparently, the correct term is 'Conjoined twins'.

A doctor and a lawyer collide.

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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Special Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in.
...

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

I saw my dad icing his hip today and asked him what was wrong...

He said "Nothing, I've just always wanted to be a cool hip dad"

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

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Prostatitis

A guy develops prostrate problems and goes to his doctor for a checkup.

The Doctor tests him and gives him an ointment to apply in the rectum.

The patient not knowing how to do that, asks his doctor to apply it for him and goes there everyday for the treatment.

Once the doctor h...

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

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A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

What do you call a female Native American hip hop artist?

Arapahoe

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What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

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