UPJOKE
pelviscoxahip jointhepthighfemuriliumpubisshouldersacrumhip toinformedischial bonebodytorso

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get another vagina implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some money on the side.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

I will never give Hip Hop to my friends for Christmas again...

Every time they open their presents, they immediately trash the 'rappers!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

What do you call an Amazon warehouse worker who likes hip hop?

A bubble wrapper

(My 15yo son came up with this while assembling his computer chair popping the bubble wrap to a beat)

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

What extends flexibly from the hips, is 71 cm long in men, and has the letters P, E, N, I, and S?

A spine

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I had my prostate exam today…

and the doc had me bend over with my pants and underwear down.

He put his left hand on my hip and his right hand he…wait…he put his right hand on my hip and…

You know what? That bastard had both hands on my hips!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

A doctor and a lawyer collide.

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

What do call a Hip Hop group that consists of furries?

The Uwu-Tang Clan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow

An old Scottish fisherman is visiting Glasgow. Since his wife passed away years ago and he has not been active since then, he decides to take the opportunity and go the red-light district.

After a short negotiation on the street, he follows a tall, skinny lady into a darkened hotel room. Fuck...

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostatitis

A guy develops prostrate problems and goes to his doctor for a checkup.

The Doctor tests him and gives him an ointment to apply in the rectum.

The patient not knowing how to do that, asks his doctor to apply it for him and goes there everyday for the treatment.

Once the doctor h...

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Special Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in.
...

What do you call existentialist hip-hop music?

Angsta Rap

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

["Hip", "Hip"]

Hip Hip Array

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips…

…but it's great for their calves.

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

Wrestling

Coach says can you describe a half Nelson ? Wrestler says a half nelson is when one arm is passed under the opponent's arm from behind and the hand is applied to the neck . Very good how about a full Nelson? When both arms are passed under opponents arms from behind and the hands are clasp behind th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

The coolest man in the hospital...

Is the ultrasound guy.
Except on his day off, when it’s the hip replacement man.

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hips don't lie.

Some woman went completely batshit on me in town today. All I said was that her kid was a 'right little hipster'. Apparently, the correct term is 'Conjoined twins'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman lies dying with her husband beside her.

An old woman lies dying, her husband beside her. She turns and looks at him for a long time.

"Harry, you've always been by my side."

Harry smiles and squeezes her hand.

"When I broke my leg at 25... you were by my side.

"When I had a collapsed lung at 45... you were by ...

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station?

They wanted to get the lead out.

I saw my dad icing his hip today and asked him what was wrong...

He said "Nothing, I've just always wanted to be a cool hip dad"

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

A musician starts talking to a couple of girls in a bar.

Much to his surprise they turn out to be Siamese twins, joined at the hip. One thing leads to another and the girls wind up back at the man's apartment. They have more drinks and the man eventually talks the twins into bed. He makes love to one girl, then starts to make love to the other. The first ...

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

My grandpa loves to listen to music on the radio.

His favorite genre is Hip-pop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

TIFU by complimenting a co-worker's womanly hips.

Get over it, Steve.

What does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?

Hip hop.

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

How do you drown a hipster?

In the mainstream

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.