UPJOKE
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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

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Did you hear about the prostitute who had a second pussy implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some extra money on the side.

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

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Hip-fucking-hip-hip-hooray for me! Just made my last mortgage payment.

Don't get me wrong, I still owe like $187,000, I'm just not paying any more.

So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He's laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

"Who are you?" the guy asks.

"I'm your hip replacement."

My wife just told me she needs a hip replacement.

So I said “Glad we’re in agreement. How about the babysitter? She’s pretty hip”.

["Hip", "Hip"]

Hip Hip Array

What do you call green onions that sing hip-hop?

Rapscallions

So I'm fifty-twelve years old and got hip replacement surgery a week ago...Wife today, "Damnit didn't the Doctor tell you not to push it during rehab, I told you you were doing too much yesterday, look how swollen your leg is."

"Actually he told me to listen to my body."

(I continued using different voices), "How you doing Leg?"

"Swell."

The doctor just told me my left leg is double jointed at the hip, knee and ankle. I never knew!…

…I could have kicked myself!

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

I’m so hip

I’m practically a pelvis.

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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My wife had hip surgery, so I went to see her in hospital

While I was there, her very handsome doctor came along to see how she was doing. He asked if I had any questions.

I said "How soon do you think we can have sex?"

My wife got annoyed and started yelling, I glanced at her and said "I wasn't talking about you."

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

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I went to see the doctor because of my hip…

He did some test on me and said: “you need to stop jerking off”. I was really surprised and asked why, he replied: “it’s very weird in this medic office”

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

I will never give Hip Hop to my friends for Christmas again...

Every time they open their presents, they immediately trash the 'rappers!

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

What do call a Hip Hop group that consists of furries?

The Uwu-Tang Clan.

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

What do you call existentialist hip-hop music?

Angsta Rap

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

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Hips don't lie.

Some woman went completely batshit on me in town today. All I said was that her kid was a 'right little hipster'. Apparently, the correct term is 'Conjoined twins'.

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Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

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I want to start a shitty hip hop group...

called Public Enema.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

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Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

I finally have to admit that my hip-hop is weak and my rhymes are lame...

...so I am forced to hand in my too wack notice.

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

So many people try to be hip

To me it is kind of a waist

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

What do you call a hip French black guy?

Látrill

What extends flexibly from the hips, is 71 cm long in men, and has the letters P, E, N, I, and S?

A spine

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

What happens when Santa shakes his hips really fast?

Jingle balls.

Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists?

Because they make the best beets.

Why are priests hip and trendy?

Because the stay in touch with the kids

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and
asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this ca...

What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?

An Imperial Walker

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station?

They wanted to get the lead out.

What does your lateral thigh muscle have in common with a really cool kidnapper?

They're both hip abductors.

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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A Scot buys a bottle of whisky, put it in a pocket of the coat and goes home riding his bycicle.

Suddenly he tips over a bump in the road and falls on his ass. Feeling liquid on his hip he feels it with the hand, then looks at it and blurts out "Thanks God, it's blood!".

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A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road.

Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing?
Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.

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So I had my prostate exam today…

and the doc had me bend over with my pants and underwear down.

He put his left hand on my hip and his right hand he…wait…he put his right hand on my hip and…

You know what? That bastard had both hands on my hips!

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

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What STD does a hip black man get?

Kool-AIDs

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart.

Sally was on the left side of the hip.

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk. The first doctor says “Poor guy, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.” The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s...

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

What do frogs and rabbits have in common?

They both like hip hop.

Men are like chocolate bars

They’re sweet, smooth and head straight to your hips.

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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