UPJOKE
forearmarmhumerusligamentbendwristkneethighspraintricepsradiusboneupper armshoulderforeleg

Elbow Jokes

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

The skin on your elbow is colloquially called the Wenis, but do you know what surrounds the Wenis?

Moreskin

My lack of Greek mythology knowledge has always been my...

Achilles elbow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart installed a medical kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk. For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in the hotel lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says,

\- "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as...

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.

It only costs $10."

Bill figur...

A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,

"You've broken your finger"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a tennis elbow.

The doctor doesn’t even look at it, tells the guy to pee in a cup. Then he inserts the cup in a machine which prints out a paper reading, you have a tennis elbow. The man can’t believe this actually works, so when he gets home he asks his wife to pee in a cup, and then his son to pee in a cup as wel...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

What do you call a guy elbow deep in a horse?

An Amish mechanic

What did a drunk guy say to a deaf guy who accidentally hit him with his elbow?

"Hey, watch your language!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I posted an ad looking for someone to do odd jobs for me.

A guy replied, offering to jerk me off with his feet, armpit, or elbows.

There’s this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It’s called conjoined Humor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.

It's flexible, It's hard,

And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You wake in a field, nude, grass stained elbows, knees and a condom in your ass, Do you tell anyone?

No? Wanna come camping with me this weekend?

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".

The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"

Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machi...

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

What's worse than tennis elbow?

Golf Balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that onl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?

The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennis Elbow

A guy walks into a doctor's office. When the doctor walks in, the guy says, "Doc, I threw my arm out playing tennis. I just need a shot of cortisone."

"No problem," says the doctor, "but first, I need to take a urine sample."

"Why on Earth for?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "We ...

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

A kid joke my daughter just told me, not sure if I’ve ever heard it before: if the bendy part of your left arm is an elbow

Shouldn’t the bendy part of your right arm be an arbow?

I came home to find my little brother putting cake frosting on his elbow.

When I asked him why he said, "I told mom that my elbow hurt and she asked me if I tried icing it".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

Why did the pothead have weak knees and elbows?

He didnt have any joints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep my pinky finger up and no elbows on the thighs when I masturbate because...

I'm a genitalman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow.
“What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep.
“Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.
He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”

I went to see my doctor with suspected tennis elbow

She examined me and confirmed it is indeed tennis elbow
She then said “how many years have you been suffering with this ?”
I replied about 15, love...

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

Why do hillbillies have such dirty elbows?

because you cant lick yourself there

Did you hear about the guy who got elbowed in the mouth?

He was armed to the teeth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways

She's a terrible golfer

What did Ted Cruz's wife get after being elbowed by him?

A Ted Bruz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn't the idiot be a proctologist?

Because he doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a train, about to get of..

So I stood there at the door as the train slows down and I wanted to adjust my backpack..
But when I did, I bumped my elbow against something soft behind me.
I looked behind me, and there was this beautiful lady with the biggest bust I’ve ever seen, and apparently bumped my elbow against.
I...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, a nurse and an orderly go to the bathroom together

after they are finished the doctor goes to the sink and washes both her hands all the way to the elbow

the nurse goes to the sink and washes one hand very thoroughly

the orderly stands there and watches them.

As they are leaving, the doctor says with an air of indignation, "In m...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Position

A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to h...

I think I would be terrible to have around at a bukkake..

Because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from gently nudging the girl with my elbow while making eyes at one of the other guys, and saying “Get a load of this guy!” In a smarmy voice.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.