I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wea...

Yesterday I broke an old woman’s kneecaps during CPR.

In First Aid class they told us to press between the nipples.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.

It was just her kneecap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

I was hiking once with my girlfriend

Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
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One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfort...

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she di...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Every time I pull down my pants women scream at the size of my massive...

Kneecap. It's starting to worry me now.

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

“I’ll shoot her just below the left tit, It’ll be a quick kill” the hitman said

“I want her dead not fucking kneecapped”

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and s...

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

One day, God and Adam were talking in the Garden Of Eden...

“God?”

“Yes, Adam.”

“I’m lonely.”

“Yes. And I’ve given this some thought. What if I told you I could make you a companion? She would be a lot like you, but different in many ways. She would think just like you think. She would never disagree with you. She would support your e...

My trusty .22

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik...

An old woman has done everything she ever wanted in life...

So she decides to commit suicide. She acquired a gun and, unsure of how best to do the deed, she calls her doctor.
“Doctor” she asks, “where exactly would I find my heart?”
“In the left side of your chest, just below the nipple.” The Doctor replies.
She hangs up before the doctor can ask ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple was getting ready for bed on their wedding night.

Being the old-fashioned types, this was their first night together. The bride is in bed, all dressed in her fancy negligee, watching her new hubby get undressed with anticipation. He takes off his shirt, then sits down on the bed and takes off his socks, and his toes are all gnarled, small and twist...

Did you hear about Dr. Stephen Hawking?

News report I saw this morning describing horrible injuries to Dr. Stephen Hawking like a broken jaw, damaged collarbone, smashed kneecaps...
Apparently his date last night stood him up.

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