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I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

Just Married

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pant...

Yesterday I broke an old woman’s kneecaps during CPR.

In First Aid class they told us to press between the nipples.

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and s...

Every time I pull down my pants women scream at the size of my massive...

Kneecap. It's starting to worry me now.

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Hired a hitman to kill my wife of 40 years

"I'll shoot her just below the left breast" he said.

I replied "I want her dead mate, not fucking kneecapped"

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she di...

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

One day, God and Adam were talking in the Garden Of Eden...

“God?”

“Yes, Adam.”

“I’m lonely.”

“Yes. And I’ve given this some thought. What if I told you I could make you a companion? She would be a lot like you, but different in many ways. She would think just like you think. She would never disagree with you. She would support your e...

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

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I was hiking with my girlfriend, when suddenly, a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us...

Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear before in my life!

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.

One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took and I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

An old woman has done everything she ever wanted in life...

So she decides to commit suicide. She acquired a gun and, unsure of how best to do the deed, she calls her doctor.
“Doctor” she asks, “where exactly would I find my heart?”
“In the left side of your chest, just below the nipple.” The Doctor replies.
She hangs up before the doctor can ask ...

My trusty .22

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik...

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple was getting ready for bed on their wedding night.

Being the old-fashioned types, this was their first night together. The bride is in bed, all dressed in her fancy negligee, watching her new hubby get undressed with anticipation. He takes off his shirt, then sits down on the bed and takes off his socks, and his toes are all gnarled, small and twist...

Did you hear about Dr. Stephen Hawking?

News report I saw this morning describing horrible injuries to Dr. Stephen Hawking like a broken jaw, damaged collarbone, smashed kneecaps...
Apparently his date last night stood him up.

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