UPJOKE
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Limb Jokes

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store.

He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.

The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say...

"Look how high up in this tree I am".

The B in limb is silent

Just like the p in bathwater

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?

Names.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

What's a pirate's favorite limb?

His bootleg!

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could...

If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII

Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han.

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw

What do you call someone who sells synthetic limbs?

An arms dealer

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.

They have the right to bear arms.

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

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A man with three prosthetic limbs walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: “what happened to your arms and your leg?”

The man replied: “Last week I was in an accident and lost my right arm, 3 days ago another accident caused me to lose my right leg, and yesterday I get into another accident and lose my left arm. So either I’m literally falling ap...

What do you call a pirate who steals other peoples prosthetic limbs?

A peg-leg bootlegger

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I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.

Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

There's only one place you can find someone with no limbs.

Right where you left them.

What do you call an Irish dwarf whose limbs keep falling off?

A Leper-chaun.

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

How to lose a limb in star wars?

Be a Jedi and a Skywalker.

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid...

but it was just a fossil arm.

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

What do you call a dog with no limbs?

Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway

I have written a couple of academic papers on replacement limbs.

They are my prostheses.

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

Did you hear about the orphan who lost both his right limbs in a car wreck?

He was all that was left

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?



Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.

So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His fri...

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."<...

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend

He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said “alright I’m going out on a limb here...

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

NEWS FLASH.... Autumn is almost here, and Donald Trump has stated that "It will be getting cooler".

I don't know about you, but I think he's really going out on a limb, predicting stuff like that.

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." sa...

I suspect the Oak Tree killed my dog.

But I'm just going out on a limb.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

An Experiment Was Done on a Frog

An experiment was done on a frog.

One limb was cut off from the frog.

"Jump," said the scientist. And frog leaped across the table.

"One limb gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist wrote on his paper.

Then he cut off another limb.
"Jump," he commande...

What's the difference between a leper and a leopard?

A leopard can hang on to a limb.

Did you hear about the fireman who was hurt rescuing a cat from a tree?

He went out on a limb.

So this guy absolutely hated pirates...

He wouldn't have anything to do with them. Eventually, we realized it wasn't all pirates. Just peg-leg pirates. Actually, it was anybody who had lost a lower limb. We later discovered he was lack-toes intolerant.

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.

One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

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Doctor: "Sir, I have some terrible news for you..."

Doctor (cont.): " Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. We had to amputate two of her limbs. She has a tracheotomy. She will not be able to talk.. You will have to care for her, help her get to the bathroom, bathe her, get her medications. She will need full time care."

Man: "OH do...

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A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bar tender says, “We don’t serve gorillas here.”
The gorilla tells the bar tender, “Look, if you don’t give me a drink, I’m gonna eat that lady at the end of the bar.

“I’m sorry, we don’t serve gorillas here,” states the bar tender.

The gorilla goes to the end of the bar wher...

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Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

Lawyer Joke....

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put,...

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

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