The 86+ Best Limb Jokes

A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store.

He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.

The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"

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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for ol...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say...

"Look how high up in this tree I am".

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

The B in limb is silent

Just like the p in bathwater

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the D...

I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

What's a pirate's favorite limb?

His bootleg!

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?

Names.

What do you call an Irish dwarf whose limbs keep falling off?

A Leper-chaun.

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.

They have the right to bear arms.

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could...

What do you call a dog's prosthetic limb?

A faux paw.

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

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I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher.

Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

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A man with three prosthetic limbs walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: “what happened to your arms and your leg?”

The man replied: “Last week I was in an accident and lost my right arm, 3 days ago another accident caused me to lose my right leg, and yesterday I get into another accident and lose my left arm. So either I’m literally falling ap...

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

There's only one place you can find someone with no limbs.

Right where you left them.

Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid...

but it was just a fossil arm.

What do you call a person who sells prosthetic limbs for kids?

a small arms dealer.

If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII

Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han.

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Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."<...

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

How to lose a limb in star wars?

Be a Jedi and a Skywalker.

Did you hear about the orphan who lost both his right limbs in a car wreck?

He was all that was left

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

What do you call a dog with no limbs?

Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway

What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

I have written a couple of academic papers on replacement limbs.

They are my prostheses.

What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

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Doctor: "Sir, I have some terrible news for you..."

Doctor (cont.): " Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. We had to amputate two of her limbs. She has a tracheotomy. She will not be able to talk.. You will have to care for her, help her get to the bathroom, bathe her, get her medications. She will need full time care."

Man: "OH do...

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend

He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said “alright I’m going out on a limb here...

You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?

Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

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A man was walking down the street when his son asks him a question.

"Dad, why is that guy wearing a robot leg?"

"It's a prosthetic leg," the father explains. "They go where real limbs used to be."

Confused, the son asks, "Did mum used to have a penis?"

"No son," the dad replies. "Why'd you ask?"

"She has one in her drawer."

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

NEWS FLASH.... Autumn is almost here, and Donald Trump has stated that "It will be getting cooler".

I don't know about you, but I think he's really going out on a limb, predicting stuff like that.

A man is sitting in the waiting room of a hospital.

He is visibly nervous. Can't stop biting his nails. He's sweating like a pig. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him.

"Your wife is doing okay, sir. Congratulations: you just became a father."

The man has never been so happy in his whole life.
"Actually, sir" says the doctor, "there h...

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A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

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