Muscles Jokes - 37 Hilarious Muscles Jokes

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles!

What trophy?

Dystrophy

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

What do you call a rich guy with muscles?

Vanderbuilt

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles

2Pac

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

The guy who de-tenses my muscles hates women

He's a real massage-inist

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

It takes 45 muscles to frown and 10 to smile:

Frown all day. Get ripped. Gains.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

-Pec Ratio

What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

A man wearing a muscle shirt approaches

"I see the muscle shirt arrived, do the muscles arrive tomorrow"?

What do you call a Mexican with small muscles?

No whey José.

Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

I'm starting a new diet where I improperly use my jaw muscles to eat whatever I want

It's called CrossFat

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his .

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles?

A Biceptual

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Do you wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

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Two blondes are in heaven...

One asks the other, "How did you die? "

"I froze to death, " says the second.

"That's awful, "says the first blonde. How does it feel to freeze to death? "

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb an...

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

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