Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

I like to bend over, grab my ankles, and slowly lean forward.

Because that’s how I roll

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

My niece calls me ankle...

I call here knees

We are a joint family!

Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle?

Treachery was a foot.

I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies...

It's a "below knee sandwich"

How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel?

Defeated

Just read a book about our ankle

Was a painful experience as it had a lot of unexpected twists.

I don't always roll a joint

But when I do, it's usually my ankle

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

You can really tell if a woman likes you by paying attention to her ankles...

If they're around your ears, it's a pretty good sign she likes you.

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When you ejaculate on a woman keep it above the ankles.

You don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

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Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."

Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.

P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"

M: "what's a Penguin?"

P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"

The man thinks about it and dec...

My kinesiology professor likes to tell jokes in class that he hears from other professors, friends or family. This was today's gem. Warning, there's a lot of lead-up, but that's just how my teacher seems to tell jokes.

So there was a football game in the jungle between all of the big animals and all of the small animals, to see who was the best and would get the best spots at the watering hole. In the first half of the game, the small animals were getting obliterated--they couldn't gain a single yard on the big an...

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When octob...

If you woke up alone in the woods with your pants at your ankles and a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?

Wanna go camping?

Refrigerator kills all

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went ou...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Are you a woman who wants longer fuller lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia

Harrison Ford has broken his ankle.

There will now be a new Star Wars cast.

A Real Bad Day !

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.

But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a g...

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more.
...

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

Quasimodo Part I

One Sunday, while on the toilet, Quasimodo heard an unruly crowd outside. He realized he was late to ring the bells of Notre Dame. In a panic, he lept up and ran for the bells, his pants around his ankles. As quickly and fiercely as possible he swung from the ropes to start the bells ringing. ...

Testiculles and Achilles were talking one day

They got on the topic of how they gained their powers. Achilles told Testiculles about how his mother dipped him into the River Styx, she had held his ankles and that’s why he’s only weak at the ankles. Achilles then asked “Well how did you get your name, Testiculles?”

Testiculles replies, “...

A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the cops..

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide inside an empty sack. The cops enter the building and finally get to the sacks. A cop kicks the first sack and the brunette starts meowing like a cat. The captain says, "Leave it! We don't need some cat clawing at us". They kick the second sack, an...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home...

... when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'<...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender $200 he can take his eye out of his head. The bartender agrees, thinking it impossible, but the man takes out his eye, revealing it to be glass.

The man then bets the bartender $500 he can bite his own eye. The bartender agrees, only for him...

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The Penguin

A Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do. She asks him how much money does he have? The guy says, "Only $10." The prostitute says, "For $10, I can give you a penguin." The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money. In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blo...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

Would you tell anyone...?

Friend 1: If you woke up in the middle of the woods feeling sore, groggy, with your pants down around your ankles, and Vaseline smeared all over your rear-end.... would you tell anyone?

Friend 2: Hell no.

Friend 1: Want to go camping?

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a method of getting long lashes instantly.

She showed a little bit of her ankle in Saudi Arabia.

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

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Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

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Camping. NSFW

Guy 1) So you’re out camping with all guys, one night you’re all partying around the fire and you wake up the next morning with your pants around your ankles and jizz coming out of your ass, do you tell anyone?

Guy 2) uhh no...

Guy 1) alright, wanna go camping??

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Why did Obama wear shoes, but Trump wears boots?

During the Obama years the shit was only ankle deep.

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A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

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Why did Laura Bush wear shoes as first lady but Melania wears boots?

During the Bush administration the bullshit only came up to your ankles.

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A bricklayer wrote to the worker's compensation board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number three of the accident report form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details...

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A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"


The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle a...

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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An old man stands in the middle of a snowstorm...

...the man was standing there for a little under ten minutes, and the snow is up to his ankles. A dog sled passes by him.

"Need a lift?" Asks the sled driver?

"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."

"If you say so." The driver mushes on.

After hour, the snow is no...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

Two Irish men are walking to Dublin

We’ll call them Sean and Murphy. And they’re two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.

Sean falls and twists his ankle and says “Aye, Murph. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.”

Murphy says, “alright, Sean...

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Woke up this morning and rolled a joint

Shame it was my ankle and now I can’t fucking walk

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Would you tell anyone?

Two gentlemen are sitting next to each other at a bar, enjoying some conversation and drinks. One man turns to the other, "So I have a theoretical situation I would like your opinion on."
"Sure, ask away"
First man says "Well I was thinking, what if you woke up one morning and you found yourse...

So the other day Mick and Paddy were walking down the road...

...when they came across two blokes on a bridge. One was holding the other by the ankles over the edge, and the other fellow had his hands in the water.

Curious, Mick and Paddy watched them for a while until the bloke dangling from his ankles began to scream "Pull me up, pull me up quick!"...

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

To keep his ankles warm.

This guy comes in on Crutches to his Doctor.

This guy comes in on Crutches to his Doctor. The Doctor says, what's going on? The guy says, My leg really hurts. It's making funny noises too. He said Doc, Put your head down by my hip, and listen. The Doc hears "Got 5 bucks you can give me?" The Doctor said strange. Then the guy says, Listen to my...

A great flood happened

A man was in his home when he saw on the news that a great flood was coming and everyone in the area must get to safety. He said to himself “oh, god will provide”

The waters stared coming and he sat in his living room with water up to his ankles. After a while the water rose too high and he h...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills.

The man asks "what's that jar for?" The bartender replies "well if you complete the challenge, you get that entire jar" the man says "there's got to be at least $2500 in there, what's the challenge?" The Bartender says "well first, you have to knock that guy out of his stool" the bartender point at...

I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Wh...

One day, after striking gold in Alaska.....

.....a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.


"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.


"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the ...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

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Cliff and Billy are two farmers, who have been friends their entire lives.

Billy goes to Cliff's house, but he can't find him anywhere. Just as Billy is about to leave, he walks by the barn doors and sees Cliff through the gap. Cliff has his pants around his ankles and his dick in the exhaust pipe of his old John Deere.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bill exclaims.<...

Two drunk guys walking down the road....

Two drunk guys walking down the road and they meet two guys coming the other way carrying a massive salmon.

The drunk guys asked “where did you get that huge fish”

They replied “We went to the bridge, he held me over by my ankles and I caught the fish as it swam past”

The drunk ...

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Lucky night

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.

As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"

The sex worker turns and sa...

Confused

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make abso...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

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Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.

Some time passed, and one of...

A man with no arms is in need of a job...

He lacks experience in the service industry but his missing arms severely limit his ability to perform manual labour. Everyday he goes out looking for work and everyday he comes back dejected.

One morning—while flipping through the classifieds with his toes—he comes across the following ad,...

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Japanese Golfer

Was rereading Harry Potter Book 2 and got to the Japanese Golfer joke line. Googled it. Enjoy, r/Jokes.

An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finge...

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A woman is in labor and about to have a baby.

Her husband is pacing around the room, frantically, and becoming a nuisance for the staff. It is requested that he stay in the waiting room, until things are calmer.
So the father is in the waiting, anxiously, debating his new responsibility. Most suddenly, the doors fly open, the doctor comes ...

Time change

I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and undies around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, "NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back."

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My favorite joke as a kid: Brothers in the Hayloft

Two brothers were in the hayloft of their barn finishing their chores for the day. Just as the sun was setting, one of them accidentally kicked the ladder over. Now the only way to get down was to jump into a pile of manure, but they couldn't remember how deep it was, and they couldn't see it since ...

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[Long] Little Johnny lives in the orphanage and it's coming up to his 18th birthday. (nsfw)

He's never been adopted because he's a bit of a lunatic.

However all through his life the nun's who live in the orphanage have looked after him. All of his birthdays and all Christmases they've given him what he wanted.

A few days before his 18th birthday one of the nuns apporaches Joh...

Trump asks a man to give an example of a tragedy

The man: “Well, my cousin passed away, that was a tragedy.”

Trump: “No believe me that was a loss, not a tragedy.”

The man: “Okay well my sister tripped and sprained her ankle, that was a tragedy.”

Trump: “Hmm, no that was an accident.”

For the third time, the man says: “...

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

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So this weird guy walks up to me and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.

I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy and I tell him I've never met him so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walk away.

The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the ...

A guy’s driving down the highway one day...

...when he sees a hitchhiker ahead. There’s hardly any traffic on the highway, and he figures that the poor guy will never get a ride, so he decides to help him out. After about 5 miles, the hitchhiker pulls a gun, and tells the driver that he won’t get hurt as long as he follows orders and doesn’t ...

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A Little Kid Sees a Pirate on the Beach...

and walks up to him. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued, the kid asks, "how come you've got that peg for a foot?"

The pirate responds, "Aye, now that's a story. I was battlin' another ship with me crew, and a cannon ball flew straight toward me. Blew everythin' past...

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A ...

Harambe the gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "I don't serve gorillas here."

Harambe says, "you better or I'm gonna do something terrible."

The bartenders say, "oh yeah! Like what?"

Harambe points to a women slumped against the bar and says, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The barten...

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What's a penguin?

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny,...

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A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.

So they sp...

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We'd lost that loving feeling

My wife and I are in our 50s. We still loved each other, but for one reason or another, we'd not had sex for a few years.

Deciding it was time to change that, we went to our family doctor. We told her our issue and she prescribed something
that would increase our labidos. She said it would...

What are two things in the air that can get a woman pregnant?

Her ankles.

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

A farmer went to milk his cow

A farmer went to milk his cow. He put the bucket down under the udders and started milking, but after a few seconds, the cow took her left leg and knocked the bucket over. The farmer sighed and found a piece of rope and tied the left leg to the pillar on the left and went back to milking.

Aft...

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