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Tools Jokes

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

some guy told me I was a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend

What is the king of all tools?

The Ruler.

A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

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A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

Our boss told us to go to the tool room and grab a tool each. He then asked us to explain the importance of each tools that we picked.

Mike - "The hammer is good for nailing and building stuff"

John - " The hand saw is important for cutting woods"

Boss - " i see that you don't have any tool in your hands. That's pretty impressive because you are considering yourself as a tool right?"

Me - "I'm a hoe"

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

Every time I go biking I find tools on the road.

Most of them are driving cars.

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

My father used to tell me a poor craftsman blames his tools.

Maybe if he had better tools he wouldn't be so poor

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

I built a shelf for my tools right beside my work bench.

Now I can finish projects all by myshelf.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools?

Because they don't understand how to use Logic or Reason.

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