Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Where does Kim Jong Un shop for tools?

Home Despot.

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

Obscure Phobias 41. What do you call the Fear of Power Tools?

Common Sense.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I’m an asshole stretcher.

If you don’t know what that is, basically I’m paid to put my hand in someone’s asshole and then widen it with special tools. Pulling, prodding and generally expanding someone’s asshole, until it’s five feet in diameter.

Now you might wonder, “u/Shredder5780, what would you do with a five foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the repairman has come to repair a septic tank, along with his apprentice, Jim.

When he arrives, he puts on a pair of goggles and dives in the shit, while Jim stands nearby, holding the toolbag.

5 minutes later, he lifts his head out of the shit and tells Jim: "Hey, you idiot, give me a flat-headed screwdriver"

Jim hands him the screwdriver and Bob dives again in ...

Two tools watched TV,

One saw.

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