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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

What do you have when you don't focus on your tools?

No attention spanner.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else. 


While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence...

I have a good joke about stone tools but

Its a bit of an Oldowan

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

Where does Kim Jong Un shop for tools?

Home Despot.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

Guy in a bar called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

Ran into a Chinese guy on the street with his car up on a jack and a bloody nose.

He was trying to change a flat tire. I asked him what had happened and he told me in broken English that he had tried to borrow some tools from the house across the street and the husband attacked him. I asked him what he said to the man that made him so angry.

He said:

"I told him I ...

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I have "pro-tools for dummies" right next to my toilet...

You might say i'm an Avid reader.

How about my golf clubs?

Husband: Honey! I've read somewhere that men die much younger and it made me think if God forbid I die before you would you marry again?

Wife: Yes. I think so!

Husband: That's great! I wouldn't want you to be lonely Sweetheart! Do you think you would live in our house?

Wife: I l...

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

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Hi, I’m an asshole stretcher.

If you don’t know what that is, basically I’m paid to put my hand in someone’s asshole and then widen it with special tools. Pulling, prodding and generally expanding someone’s asshole, until it’s five feet in diameter.

Now you might wonder, “u/Shredder5780, what would you do with a five foo...

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation

They're called Apple fanboys.

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

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Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

I stole some tools from my last kitchen job...

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I work in a machine tools factory,now i can talk more about my job.........

but its mostly boring.

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Gypsy with a deadly sin

One Gypsy went to a church for a confession: - Father, I have sinned - said Gypsy

-Tell me son what are your sins - priest asked

-They are so great so I am afraid to tell them even to you.

-God is merciful and he will forgive you you if you confess

-I fucked my mother! -...

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross.

He says it's a whisk he's willing to take.

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

I can tolerate many drawing tools...

But straightedges are where I draw the line.

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

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