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Tech Jokes

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

Ophthalmologist Tech Support

My ophthalmologist knows I’m good with computers and was asking if I could help with a little web design that could accommodate the accessibility needs of their patients.

So I built them a site for sore eyes.

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Low tech COVID test?

Stick one finger in your mouth and one finger in your butt. Wait two minutes then switch. If you can’t taste the difference you probably have Covid.

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

Jokes about tech support really turn me off

...and then back on.

A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.

Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long wo...

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

Two IT techs are at the local gun range.

After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"

The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how a...

tech job

I heard this morning that I didn't get the job as an IT consultant that I applied for. They said I wasn't tech savvy enough. I was so angry that I went to the machine in my office and sent them really angry fax thingy.

My proctologist is so high tech...

He said my exam would be digital.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

The Tech Text Times We Live In

DEAR NEIGHBOUR Hi, Morris . This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell youface-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it athome rec...

Tech companies stopped importing microchips into Russia

Due to supply disruption, Spuntik V vaccination campaign will be put on hold until sanctions are lifted.

Tech support! My computer fell off my desk!

That's not how you back it up.

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

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Three tech owners are sitting in a room together.

The first, the owner of Samsung, says “I call my phones Androids because I named it after my penis, because it’s a machine!”

The second, Steve Jobs, said, “Me too! I named it Apple because girls like to suck my penis like a candied apple!

Bill Gates slowly stood up, and quietly left th...

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"So I just got into work, and it seems McAfee is just hanging."

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A nun tries to tech another nun golf

When the trainee swings and misses the promptly states “shit I missed!”

The second nun says, “sister! You cannot curse, you represent our convent!” “I’m sorry,” says the first nun.

The first nun swings and misses again. “Shit! I missed,” she says. The second nun replies, “Sister, if yo...

why do Indians never call tech support?

Because they know families don't fix problems but only make it worse.

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

What did the tech geek say when he tripped over his computer wire?

Ow that megahertz!

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: “It seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: “So?”

What did they call Tech Support before gun powder?

Trouble stabbing.

Machetes are extremely tech savvy

They can hack anything.

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

Having a migraine is like calling tech support

Nobody knows how to fix my problem but everybody understands

Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common?

They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

A man calls tech support.

Customer: I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me.'

Advisor: 'I will remove them for you.'

Customer: 'How do I get them back when she is not in?'

Tech Support

USER: I can't get on the Internet.

SUPPORT: Are you sure you used the right password?

USER: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

SUPPORT: Can you tell me what the password was?

USER: Five dots.

So Tech Source got robbed........

Some people say it was a setup

I suppose it would be fitting

He's kind of obsessed with setups

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

Where did the tech support guy go to buy his lunch?

The URL of Sandwich

Who provides tech support for Israel?

RabbIT

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

Why did the tech CEO's wife leave him?

She wasn't satisfied when his performance dipped by 5-30%.

An old Canadian guy calls up tech support...

"I'm having trouble finding the dotsy key on my keyboard," he says.

"The dotsy key? I've never heard of that. What do you need it for?"

"Well, I'm trying to go to CBC dotsy, eh."

Tech support in the military

Troubleshoot to kill.

That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

I have developed a high tech algorithm to tell if a girl likes me

1. No

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

How many Indians does it take to fix a computer?

Two.

One to call tech support.

One to answer.

I know this Russian sound-tech who’s really great.

And a Czech one too.... And a Czech one too.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

My sound tech walked in to hook up my microphones

We got to talking and I let him know I have a few friends who are also sound techs.

“Really. Fascinating” with feigned excitement.

Yeah. One of them is German.

“Ok....”

I have a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

A one-legged man walks into a tech-support store...

...and tells the man "I can't get past this 2-step authentication!"

Jesus and Satan's tech battle

One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God w...

How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

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What was the first human civilization to invent the bidet?

The ass tech people.

Why do spiders usually get jobs in tech?

Most of them are already competent web developers.

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

What did the computer tech say to the pretty girl?

You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.

Girl, are you an ITT Tech degree?

Because you're worthless.

A blonde walks into a TechStore

She says: "Can i have that TV over there?" The Man on the Counter replies: "No because you're blonde". The next day the Blonde decides to put on a brunette wig and goes back into the store and asks again: "Can i have that TV over there?" The Man on the Counter, again replies: "No because you're blon...

I have worked in a restaurant and within the tech industry...

The biggest difference is the meaning of the phrase "My server just went down on me."

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

How many tech support representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

This really happened in Tech Support

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program manager.

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob.

Custo...

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't ...

What do you call a person who falls for a tech support scam?

An Indian giver.

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A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?

It came out cordless!

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician ...

I have a Czech one, too.

How many IT techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ticket closed: Forwarded to facilities.

A psychologist visits an engineer in his hospital bed

The guy had just jumped off a bridge. The psychologist says, "Hey there Ahmed, I'm Dr. Adams, how you feeling today?" And the engineer replies, "In pain, but lucky to be alive, I guess."

Dr. Adams wants to help, so she asks the engineer about his life. The engineer tells her he came from Liby...

Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

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Tech news: Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually photograph women with their mouth closed

In tech support, we get asked questions that seem like common sense. Today I told a guy "CTRL-P"...

...but he didn't make it to the bathroom.

I work in tech support and one of my co-workers drowned last week...

we buried him in rice and he came back a day later!

The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.

Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.

NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

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2 Congressmen, 2 rednecks, and 2 tech guys from Silicon Valley go to North Korea . . .

So these 2 Congressmen decided to make a goodwill trip to North Korea. To show the wide range of cultures in the U.S., they took a couple redneck guys from Mississippi and a couple of tech savvy guys from California. After a short tour, they were thrown in prison for not having proper credentials....

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