What weighs more a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers

A tonne of feathers of course, ... Because you have to live with what you did to those chickens

Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spt the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, ‟Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.”

I loked her over on...

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this!

Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

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A joke that made my girlfriend laugh

Her: Aren’t you cold?

Me: Well as a wise prophet once said, ‘the cold never bothers me anyway’.

Her: Huh, Elsa isn’t a prophet?

Me: Yes she is, Disney made a butt tonne of money off of her!

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

Did you hear about that morbidly obese couple that just started dating?

They have a tonne in common.

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

A man walks into a joke store...

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out laughing.

He sees the guy at the end ...

It's official! Reddit has the largest number of Ecologically sensitive people!

And in case any of you have doubts about it, the proof is in the fact this subreddit has tonnes of jokes recycled everyday!

What do me and my fridge have in common?

Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne

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How do Limericks do here...

There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of honey,
every time he went for a pee

A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.

"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Aus...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

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Met this girl in a nightclub

She's absolutely stunning and all over me. Couldn't believe my luck. Things are going great and she invites me back to hers. Damn straight.

On the way back to her flat though, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But I put it out of my head. We get in, things progress quick...

A friend came over to mine and my girlfriend's house.

As soon as we let him in, I could see by the shock in his eyes that he'd noticed my girlfriend's tremendous weight gain. He leant in and whispered to me, "What happened to her!? She must weigh about 7 tonnes!"

I just turned to him and shook my head vigorously in defiance.

I didn't wa...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

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an Englishman, an Irish man and a Scottish man are on a plane...

they all have a tonne of stuff each and the pilot says that to land safely they need to lose 3 tonnes of cargo.
the Englishman drops a tonne of roses and says "i've got enough of those in my country" the Irishman drops a tonne of bombs and says "i've got enough of those in my country" and the Sco...

I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site...

Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks.

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