UPJOKE

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

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I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

I told my friend the joke about the bad sniper

But it went right over his head.

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

*“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”*

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

What do you call the bad neighbourhoods in Italy?

Spaghettos

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

What do you call the bad part of town in Italian?

A spaghetto

Why was the bad photographer arrested?

Indecent exposure

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

you want to know the bad thing?

only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

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( Nsfw )i am iraqi and ill translate a joke my brother told me plz dont mind the bad grammer

A guy who lives in the countryside one day went to the city and he saw how diffrent things are there
In the city he meet some people and one of them told him about blow jobs and how it happens
So after he went back he told his wife to feed the kids
She did
He told her to make the kid...

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

I just got a new guard dog. He's blind, can't hear, and has no teeth. The bad guys aren't afraid of him, and he doesn't do anything to justify his existence.

In fact, he's sort of like the Federal Trade Commission's "Do Not Call List".

Oh wait...gotta go. My phone is ringing again.

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

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Did you hear the one about the bad bear in Boise who went into a bar and ordered a beer?

A bad bear goes into a bar in Boise and says to the bartender, “Give me a beer.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bad bears in Boise.” The bear says,” I said give me a beer,” and the bartender says, “I told you, we don’t serve beer to bad bears in Boise.” So the bear goes to the...

What do you call an art studio on the bad side of town?

Sketchy

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town?

Quackheads

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The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked.

I'm going to give you enough blood," God
declared, "to use only one of them at a time."

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English

That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.

What's the bad thing about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

A guy was in the doctor's office and the doctor asked him "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?"

The guy being optimistic said "I want to hear the good news first."

The doctor said "You have less than 24 hours to live"

The guy said "How is that good news? Tell me the bad news???"

The doctor said "I tried to tell you yesterday"...

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor: The bad news is you’re going to have to take one of these tablets everyday for the rest of your life.

Doctor: The really bad news is I’m only giving you three

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news, and really bad news. The patient says, "Ok, what's the bad news?" The doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live." The patient responds "Oh my God that's awful! What's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday."

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

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"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration"

The doctor said, "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. H...

DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

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Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles

But at least they drive slowly through school zones.

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What was the difference between the good priest and the bad priest?

One died a virgin, the other did a virgin.

If you give someone a video copy of the bad news bears...

You are the bearer of the bad new bears.

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Hit me with the bad news first, doc.

Doctor: It appears you suffer from Schizophrenia.

Man: That can't be right, I want a second opinion!

Doctor: Well, there's your good news.

What did the bad Advil tablet say to the good Advil tablet?

I be profane

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Doc: Do you want the good news first or the bad news?

Patient: uhm... The good news doc, please.

Doc: You only have 24 hours to live. I'm so sorry.

Patient: WTF? This is the good news? What could be fucking worse than this!?

Doc: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?

The WURST!

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

Let's take all the bad science jokes...

And barium.

Did you hear the story about the bad egg?

He ran down the street with his yoke hanging out.

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Ever hear the one about the bad golfer?

He put more balls in the water than the Men’s Olympic swim team

the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"...

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Taking the Good with the Bad!!!

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hardon and a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with a woody and the nurse gave me a blowjob! This is fantastic. I love t...

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I had a girlfriend that was into lingerie. You know what the bad thing is about crotchless panties?

Your balls hang out the bottem of em!

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Married golfers you say? (Kinda long, sorry bout the bad formatting)

One Saturday morning a very rich golf course owner is out for a round with his two friends when they see a solo player with something odd in his bag. They call out to him and ask what it is. He replies that he cannot say but they persist. After agreeing to show the contents of the bag in return f...

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

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Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

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First the good news: I had sex with my teacher whom I love very much! The bad news....

I'm homeschooled.

Did you hear about the two peanuts that got lost in the bad neighborhood last night?

One was assulated, the other was shelled.

Santa on the bad list? Impossible!!!

On the 1st of December a little boy called Jim sends Santa a card asking "can I have a sister for Christmas. The next day he sent one back saying "Ok Jim send me your mother".

What did the bad shock tell the good shock?

I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.

THE BAD BELT

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

A journalist friend of mine asked if I wanted to hear the good news or bad news first

Being a pessimist, I chose the bad news.

She said, "Alright, Breitbart and Fox News it is then..."







^(Wasn't sure if anyone's done this joke before but couldn't find anything like it in search function; please don't yell at me if it is a repost)

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"

At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be si...

What is the difference between Aluminum-man and Iron man?

Aluminum-man will try to foil your plans.


EDIT: What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

- Iron man stops the bad guys, while Aluminum man will foil their plans.

Best joke from Carson’s couch

Caller: Fluffy just died

Brother: what’s the matter with you!
You know I loved that cat.
You should have prepared me for it. Today you could have said Fluffy is on the roof and we can’t get her down. then tomorrow you could tell me she fell.
The next day you could say Fluffy is at ...

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

I’m not racist, in fact, I love all races!

Even the bad ones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"I have good news and bad news," the doctor says.

"Give me the bad news first and be done with it."

So the doctor tells him that whatever they have found is terminal and incurable. To go say his goodbyes and write up a will.

"That is pretty terrible news," says the man, "what's...

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson.

The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is he had his parachute on.
The bad news is he hit the ground befo...

“I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first?” Says the doctor

Patient: “Ugh... the bad first.. go.”

Doctor: “OK you have terminal cancer and you’ll probably die in a week”

Patient: “Oh damn wtf, what’s the GOOD NEWS??”

Doctor: “Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she’s interested on me”

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