UPJOKE

The Bad Jokes

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The bad golfer goes “WHACK! Darnit!”

why cant the bad sailor learn the alphabet

because he always got lost at C.

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

The doctor says to the patient "I have some good news, and some bad news..."

Patient asks "What's the good news?" Doctor says "My son's going to college!" Patient asks "What's the bad news?" Doctor says "You're paying for it!"

Took my cat to the vet. After a 20 minute check up, I got the bad news.

It's curiosity.

I told my friend the joke about the bad sniper

But it went right over his head.

What do you call the bad part of Italy?

The spaghetto.

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The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

A man goes to his doctor and, after many tests, the doctor delivers the bad news.

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you, but it's terminal.
Man: How long do I have left?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what? Years? Months?.... WEEKS??!
Doctor: Four... three...

Did you hear the bad news about r/eunuchs?

They're losing members every day.

What did the bad World Cup announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

Why was the bad photographer arrested?

Indecent exposure

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I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

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Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles

But at least they drive slowly through school zones.

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

you want to know the bad thing?

only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

While on vacation, the warden of a supermax prison gets a phone call from the subordinate he left in charge, who has good news and bad news.

*"The good news is one of the serial killers we had serving multiple life sentences escaped."*

"How is *that* good news??"

*"Well after breaking out he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase that ended when he wrapped the car around a tree at 120 miles an hour. He was killed ...

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

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The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news, and really bad news. The patient says, "Ok, what's the bad news?" The doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live." The patient responds "Oh my God that's awful! What's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday."

What's the bad thing about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

The Bad News...

A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones?

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

the bad joke

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"...

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town?

Quackheads

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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