UPJOKE

The Dark Jokes

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the cop....

The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.

And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Why were the Dark Ages called the “Dark Ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

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What has two butts and kills in the dark?

Assassin

When I was little, I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see the electricity bill, i'm scared of the lights.

My children are my light in the darkness

...that they caused.

What do you call the Dark Knight and a bowl of noodles?

Batman and Ramen

What did one gargoyle say to the other in the dark?

Statue?

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One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because h...

Stop being scared of the dark.

That’s racist.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

Why is Dark spelt with a “K” and not “C” at the end?

Because you cannot C in the dark

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

The dark side only removes cache.

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

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The Dark side of KungFu

Master: I've been watching you for a while and have decided you aren't good enough.

Disciple: But I will try harder master.

Master: I'ts no good, you don't learn, your lazy and full of bad habits.
So instead I will break tradition and show you the forbidden Black Arts.

Discip...

Chinese probes are still doing things on the dark side of the moon.

Seems pretty shady.

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Sex in the dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw...

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

In the dark of night, I fear vampires, but, when the first light of day breaks, I wonder why I had ever been afraid

It's hard to take vampires seriously after Twilight.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

What did the bully use when he experimented with the dark arts?

A Wedgie Board.

What do the dark web and submarines have in common?

They're both home to Tor-pedos.

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Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

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What do you call a shit you take in the dark?

A spookie dookie

What did the flashlight say to the darkness?

**"Lighten up."**

After years of depression, hoping for the dark times to pass, God finally answered my prayers.

He said no.

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

What drink can help you see in the dark?

Coke light

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

Children in the dark make accidents...

But accidents in the dark make children.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

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Why did the math teacher join the dark side?

Because only a sith deals in absolutes.




I fucking thought of this while in the bathroom. And if it's already thought of, then fuck them. This is the sole accomplishment of my life and I can't let anybody take that away from me.

What's flat, black and glows in the dark?

Iran if they keep it up

Pubic hair that glows in the dark

Is easier to get out of your teeth

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A prostitute walks into a church...

She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask,

"What troubles you, my child?"

The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."

The priest sighs and sa...

We work in the dark to serve the light. What are we?

Electricians

Just look very closely into the darkness of your screen

Do you see the joke? (Dark mode users only)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

You know I actually haven’t died a single time in ANY of the dark souls games

Granted I’ve never played them

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

Fear of the Dark

The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night....

What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

"I think I'll call it a day."

What do you call the Dark Lord who laughs a bit too hard?

Voldesnort.

Come with me to the dark side

For real, our light bulb popped and we really need help.

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Apparently, in the Dark Ages, having sex with corpses was pretty popular

But now, necrophilia is fucking dead.

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I like to poop in the dark....

Scare the shit out of myself.

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

I can't see very well in the dark

but on the bright side, I see just fine.

Two cannibals find a missionary in the dark....

Since it was dark and they didn't want to run into each other while they ate him, one started at the head and the other at the feet.

After a while the one who started at the top said, "Hey how you doin' down there?"

Cannibal replied, "Man, I'm havin' a ball!"

First one said, "H...

Son-Dad, can you write in the dark?

Dad-I think so. What is it you want me to write?

Son-your name on this report card.

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

Why was the dark chocolate crying over his glass of wine?

Because it was his bitter half.

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

Every night I have the same horrible dream about getting attacked by a horse while walking home in the dark

It's one terrifying night mare

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Knights for dayz

(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

What do you call a river amphibian that spends a lot of time on the dark web?

Haxolotl

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