Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

Look down your shirt and spell ‘attic’ out loud

Hehehe..

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son?

“Today *is* a good day to dye!”

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

A Hot Guy Took His Shirt Off

Now he’s just cool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Shirts

So like, you know how there's Extra Large and Extra Small sized clothing? Why can't I get something Extra Medium, like its the most generic sized shirt possible.

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Say what you want about the people wearing 6MWE shirts

At least they weren't Holocaust Deniers.

My wife asked, "does this shirt make me look fat?"

I said "will you promise not to get mad no matter what I say"
She said "yes"
I said " I slept with your sister"

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

What do you call a t-shirt that brings death?

A Casualtee

My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

What do you call a t-shirt with a half man, half monkey hybrid on it?

A chimp-man tee

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

A woman won a wet t-shirt contest. She had my vote.

She really stuck out to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.



Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''



Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''



God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.



God ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I had sex, my girlfriend took off my Hawaiian shirt

You can say she deflowered me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

if someone is wearing a gap shirt ..

point to their shirt and say “there’s a hole in ur shirt!” when they look down, say “never mind it’s just a gap”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW It's Christmas time and the local mailman is doing his rounds...

As he approaches one of the houses on his route the door opens and a beautiful woman is standing there with nothing on but an open button down shirt. She grabs the mailman by the hand and takes him upstairs. After a vigorous session of sex, she gives him a $5 bill and offers to make him breakfast. H...

I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off

It says “don’t halve a cow, man”.

They really butchered the catchphrase.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman took a flight for the first time

A while into the flight the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her, rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

Why do Americans love to wear T-shirts?

Because they have the constitutional right to bare arms.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter from Ma

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts

I’m lacoste intolerant

This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now.

It probably went over your head, didn’t it?

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"

She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Souls We Walking Towards the gates of afterlife.. The soul in the middle asked to the soul on his left, "How Did You die?",

'I was painting the walls of the 14th floor of an apartment, i slipped and fell, but somehow while falling i got hold of the railings of the balcony 2 floors below. I was so relieved, as i was trying to pull myself up a mad guy from the floor above yelled at me and pushed down a wardrobe over me, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her:

\- What size should I pick?

\- Pick L, Rick.

Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common?

They are both 100% cotton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor....

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief....

I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat...

One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,

"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."

Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.

Time passes and people are glancing a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

A protestor wearing a Black Lives Matter t-shirt walks into a bar

The bartender asks what will you have. The protestor replies only “ice”. The bartender looks at him with a very confused look and says “sorry did you say you only wanted ice?” The protester says that’s right - just ice.

Why does superman wear tight shirt?

Because it's sized "S"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

-That's a nice ass shirt!

- Thank you! But actually it's called pants.

A fat girl was wearing a T-Shirt that said "Guess" on it

So I walk up to her and say "385"

My favourite 10+ year shirt got torn today.

R.I.P.

What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber?

Sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Daddys car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

The sign said “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

It never said anything about pants, so I don’t understand why I got arrested for “indecent exposure”?

Did you hear about the shirt sighted mohel?

He got the sack.

Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019...

I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are some horrible bastards in this world.

I heard a cat outside crying, so I opened the door and saw

4 blokes in Arsenal shirts playing football with it. I was just

about to phone the police when the cat went 1-0 up..

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

What do people like to wear in England?

Tea-shirts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

What did the shirt say to the pair of pants?

Wassup Britches?

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt

Shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

An examiner is conducting a test...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

Examiner :- Great, now suppose ...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

"Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”


“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”


“Why your red shirt, sir?”


“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden...

I saw a girl wearing a GUESS t-shirt today...

Turns out "DD?" is not the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

Attire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of shirt does a poop like to wear?

Turd-lenecks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

Have you heard of the boy who never changed his clothes

Same shirt different day

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.