My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

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A girl said my pink shirt was gay

I replied "of course, it just came out of the closet"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ordered an extra large T-shirt from an online Roman website.

They sent me fucking forty regular.

Why are all of Nelson Mandela's shirts pink?

He refuses to separate the whites from the colours

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"

Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"

The drunk guy th...

A man named Joe came into my store wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt. He started to leave, and I noticed he had some Dubble Bubble he hadn't paid for.

"Hey Joe, where you going with that gum in your hand?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

I Told My Black Friend He Has a Nice Shirt

He replies saying it is made out of quality cotton.

I asked if his parents picked it out for him.

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My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

Why does Putin often forget to wear a shirt?

Because he's always Russian.

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But when I take one of her dresses, suddenly, it's, "We need to talk!"

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

I get this rash whenever I wear tight t-shirts.

I did some research and apparently it is called derma-tight-tees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That’s a nice ass shirt

Thank, but they are called pants

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For Christmas, I only bought my girlfriend a T-Shirt and a dildo.

If she doesn’t like the T-Shirt she can go fuck herself.

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

I've been trying to sell a rap themed shirt with the greatest disses of all time on it, but apparently it's not selling well.

I'll have to up the discount.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied th...

What's the hardest thing to find on a fat guy with his shirt tucked in?

His belt buckle.

(Go easy first time posting in here)

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God

A study has shown 90% of women aren’t interested in men that wear pink shirts.

Ironically, 90% of men that wear pink shirts aren’t interested in women.

Tried to buy a psychic a small shirt. It didn’t fit

He was a medium

I pointed out that my wife was pressing a no-wrinkle shirt,

but she didn't appreciate the irony.

Came home the other day and my grandpa turned me into a young, slow-witted boy with a yellow shirt.

I was Morty-fied

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

My hairline is like my t-shirt

A deep-v and not helping me look any younger.

Shirt Power

My kid goes to school every day wearing a different color shirt and claims that she has the power of the color of the shirt, like red power and blue power. The problem arises when she picks a white shirt to wear.

A blonde dropped her shirt in at the cleaners... "come again" the shop assistant said as the lady left...

"No just toothpaste", she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw a so called “funny” t-shirt which on the front says, “I’m not gay”, and on the back says, “But my boyfriend is.”

So I asked my girlfriend to please not wear it anymore.

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off! Then, I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off!

I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand!

Now, I'm afraid to pee!

How did the shirt hook up with the pants?

By asking "you down to tuck?"

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

I just completed my first wet t-shirt contest but I’m sad that I didn’t win

I don’t get it, I ate waaayy more t-shirts than anyone else

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the ...

What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

what do you call a person who cant differentiate a t-shirt from a polo

collar-blind

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said

"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

A depressed shirt falls into a puddle.

"I guess I'll go hang myself."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I saw a girl wearing a Black Panther shirt today.

So I walk up to her and say, "Hey girl, Wakanda music do you listen to?"

I always wanted a Messi shirt

But I got a clean one instead

I saw a very large woman in a bar wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm a Man-Eater'

I walked up to her, shot her a grin and she told me "Let me guess, you've got a joke about how many men I've eaten?"
I simply told her she spelled manatee wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets so drunk at a bar that he pukes on his shirt.

The man says to the bartender, "Oh no! My wife is going to kill me! I wasn't supposed to get drunk tonight! Now she'll know for sure!" The bartender says, "Hey! No worries! Here's $5 dollars." He puts $5 in the man's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife that some other guy puked on your shirt and gave you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.

He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, “Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket a...

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...

So, I made a move on her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Her: I didn’t find any hair on your shirt! Him: So?

Her: Who’s the bald bitch?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

Why does Waldo wear striped shirts?

He doesn't want to be spotted

Me: Can I get XL shirts here?

Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many?

Why shouldn't you buy a shirt from Hulk Hogan?

Cause it's probably a rip-off

Well dressed!

I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone thought it looked tacky.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, gets way too drunk, and ends up puking all over his shirt.

He says "Shit. If I go home like this, my wife is gonna be pissed."
The bartender tells him "Here's what you do. Put a 10 dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that some drunk guy puked on you, and he felt so bad that he gave you 10 dollars so you could get your shirt cleaned."
The man...

I asked my parents for something Cuban. They got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar

My friend asked me if I thought a girl's shirt looked like a Rorschach test...

I replied, "Where is she? Is she behind the girl wearing a shirt of my parents fighting?"

As a man i avoid wearing pink shirts or anything too feminine ..

thats why my bra and panties are always black.

I asked my friend "do you like my shirt with pictures of cactuses?"

He said "cacti"

"never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt?"

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a costume party without a shirt on

A man goes to a costume party without a shirt on. The host walks up to him and asks:

"Hey, buddy. You know this is a costume party, right? You can't just walk in here wearing nothing but pants."

"I AM in costume, though," The man replied, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

"What the...

What’s the difference between a shirt and a corpse?

One’s a casualty and the other is a casual tee

Sir, why do you ask for a red shirt before battle?

In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.”
The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain or...

I bet the way a young lady earns a "Girls Gone Wild" shirt is very similar to

the way a young man earns a Penn State sweatshirt.

My Dad and I walk outside in sub-zero temperatures, and he's wearing a t-shirt.

Me: "Dad, it's really cold, don't you want to wear a coat?"
Dad: "I'm just exercising my second-ammendment rights."
Me: "........."
Dad: "My right to bare arms."

I wore a pink t-shirt out the other night and my girlfriend said I looked like a Flamingo..

So I had to put my foot down.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the barten...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe’s headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPA...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A guy walks into a tailor wearing just a shirt and shoes

And the tailor says "what the hell man you can't just go around swinging your dong in my store"


To which the man replies "hey cut me some slacks"

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the s...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit.

The bartender asks him, "What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"

The man replies, "Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my ...

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"

He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde run...

A lawyer walks into a courtroom without a shirt

Lawyer: "Can we please postpone this trial?"

Judge: "Of course, how can we start the trial when you've forgotten your lawsuit!"

I feel the same way about slaves as I do shirts with flame patterns on them

I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them

My costume is a bunch of sponges pinned to my shirt

I’m self absorbed

My wife and I went to Spain

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madri...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....