My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off

It says “don’t halve a cow, man”.

They really butchered the catchphrase.

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I had sex, my girlfriend took off my Hawaiian shirt

You can say she deflowered me.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts

I’m lacoste intolerant

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

What do you call a shirt made out of rubber?

A Croc Top

My favourite 10+ year shirt got torn today.

R.I.P.

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common?

They are both 100% cotton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now.

It probably went over your head, didn’t it?

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber?

Sir.

A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her:

\- What size should I pick?

\- Pick L, Rick.

Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.

A protestor wearing a Black Lives Matter t-shirt walks into a bar

The bartender asks what will you have. The protestor replies only “ice”. The bartender looks at him with a very confused look and says “sorry did you say you only wanted ice?” The protester says that’s right - just ice.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat...

One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!

The sign said “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

It never said anything about pants, so I don’t understand why I got arrested for “indecent exposure”?

Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019...

I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

Why does superman wear tight shirt?

Because it's sized "S"

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

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A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,

"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."

Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.

Time passes and people are glancing a...

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

A fat girl was wearing a T-Shirt that said "Guess" on it

So I walk up to her and say "385"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

What Do You call a T-shirt That brings death?

Casualtee

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

What did the shirt say to the pair of pants?

Wassup Britches?

Lets hear it johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

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A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked ...

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

My roommate went to Wuhan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I hope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

-That's a nice ass shirt!

- Thank you! But actually it's called pants.

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

Attire.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

A French teacher is asking her students questions in class

Teacher: hey Bradley, what does “beaucoup” translate to in English? By the way nice shirt.

Bradley: thanks, that means alot

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

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What type of shirt does a poop like to wear?

Turd-lenecks

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

Kiwis

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We ...

Two friends went for a job interview.......

The first friend goes in and the person interviewing him looks at his resume. Then he asks him a few questions and then asks "imagine you are traveling on a train and it is hot inside, what will you do?" The guy replies "I will open the window"

"Great!" says the interviewer and then asks " ...

Unexpected

She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?

He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.

Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.

No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my shirt

Shit

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

A mother says to her young son, "It's high time you learned the difference between a man and a woman."

"Take off my shirt," she says. So he takes off her shirt.

"Take off my pants," she says. So he takes off her pants.

"Take off my bra," she says. So he takes off her bra.

"Take off my panties," she says. So he takes off her panties.

Then the mother says to her son, "I don'...

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A man was walking home drunk

and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.

As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.

Drunk as he is, he opens ...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

What’s the difference between a redneck and a yuppie?

A $50 shirt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

A man who is already drunk from a bar is about to enter another bar...

...while still drunk he struggles to find the entrance to the bar. He is only able to notice a big sign reading "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE." The shocking warning sign instantly makes him snap out of drunkenness and quickly look down to see his shoes and shirt have been lost from his last drunk ...

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

Why are you giving me ice?

So I just purchased a brand new shirt at the clothing store. After I had paid for it, I said “thanks” to the cashier and was just about to walk away when he said “Wait!” I turned to the cashier. He said, “Anyone who purchases our clothing is entitled to one small piece of ice.” Apparently he had a m...

I saw a girl wearing a GUESS t-shirt today...

Turns out "DD?" is not the correct response.

Last night at the bar, this guy was hovering behind me for a while trying to talk to me. When he left, I felt something wet through the back of my shirt.

Do you think he was coming onto me?

I no longer need to wear a mask

Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me

A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

The dry cleaners near my place have a new guy now. His only job is to count all the t-shirts that come in and go out.

Wierd looking guy, but not on drugs or anything.

In fact, I have a hunch he's a tee-totaller.

Why did the wet shirt feel betrayed?

Because it was hung out to dry.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

A pirate captain was out at sea when his first mate ran to him suddenly...

The first mate shouted “Sir! Theres a ship on the horizon armed with 10 cannons and 100 men!”

The captain replied, “bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!”

The pirates fight and win the battle, making off with all the treasure. A few days later, the first mate again run up yell...

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

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A man drinks too much and throws up on his shirt at the bar.

He’s very distressed that his wife is going to be angry so the bartender tells him look man I’ve got you covered.

The bartender put a $10 bill in his shirt pocket and says, now go home and tell your wife that somebody else got drunk and threw up on your shirt and he gave you $10 to get it cl...

Sam and Bessie have been married for 50 years and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me now?"
...

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A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

Wife: do you know why our son won’t wear the red shirt I laid out for him?

**Me:** nope.

[flashback to watching Star Trek]

**Me:** so the guy in the red shirt *always* dies.

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A gambler dies and goes to haven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

My girlfriend is always wearing my t-shirts and sweaters.

But if I wear one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

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A ruff night NSFW

A guy walks into a bar as soon as it opens, bags under his eyes, hair all messed up and vomit on his shirt and says, "Bartender, give me the strongest shot you've got."

The bartender says, "Man, you look rough! Must have been one helluva night."

The man downs his shot and says, "Man, I...

A man and a woman had just gotten married, and were spending their first night at her mother's house.

The mother tells her daughter "OK, you go upstairs and enjoy your husband, and I'll cook dinner". The newlyweds then head upstairs to the bedroom and the husband begins to undress, eager to consummate their union. He starts by removing his shirt, which earns him a startled look from his bride before...

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An old cheapskate sees a beautiful woman walking down the street

He calls out to her “miss! How much to bite your breasts?”

The woman, offended and a bit shocked, says “what??? you’re disgusting!” And continues walking down the street.

The cheapskate huffs and puffs to catch up with her and tries again, “miss! I’ll make it worth your while, how abou...

What is a brothels dress code?

No shirt, no shoes, no cervix.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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Not new, but what the hell.

A man steps into a bar on his way home from work, and before you know it, 3 hours has passed and he’s trashed. So much so that he throws up on his own shirt.

“Oh man! M’wife’s gonna kill me!”, he says.

“Hang on.”, says the bartender. “Give me $5, buddy.”

The drunk guy hands h...

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

A man is sitting at a bar...

Orders a shot, pulls a picture out of his shirt pocket, looks at it, takes a shot. Same routine repeats 6 more times. Bartender asks: "Hey buddy, next round is on the house, if you tell me what your routine is all about".

"Ok", says patron, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and I look...

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Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

What happened to the arrogant red-shirt who demanded his Star Fleet Captain beam him up?

He was hoisted by his own Piccard.

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

Got a shirt made from golden retriever fur.

The wife says I look quite fetching in it .

A bumblebee rushes to the airport, running late for his flight

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip. He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose and unstraighte...

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

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Retirement

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would hav...

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

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Off the wagon

So this guy got sober for his wife...he was doing great...going on two years...one day he gets to work and there’s a pink slip waiting for him...on his way home he walks by his old bar and thinks fuck it...I’m gonna have one drink...he goes in and all his old buddies are there he has one drink and t...

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The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

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A federal marshal walks into a bar in the Old West...

He tells the bartender about an unusual wanted man he's hunting.

"I haven't seen anybody too unusual around these parts lately," the bartender asks as he hands the marshal a drink. "How unusual are we talkin' here?"

"You'd definitely know this fella if you'd seen him," the marshal said...

I just got a new job and I start tomorrow. This morning I realized I needed a new pair of shoes and a new shirt.

I got up, drank some coffee went to Walmart. The sign on the door said, "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" so I went home.

Aerobatic piloting

A man goes on a flight with an aerobatic pilot. To warm it up a bit he does a very tight curve. Through the radio the pilot hears the man saying "Well, well, just as expected!". The pilot, feeling a bit challenged flies a screw in the other direction as tight as he can. Again he hears the man saying...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

Why does Superman has an S in his shirt

Because the store he bought it from ran out of medium

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