UPJOKE
declareaffirmblasphemecursetellvowyellcussavowaverassertdeposerelyswanbank

Sworn Jokes

Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had apartheid.

Is this the Mandela Effect?

The first female president is being sworn in.

Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."

The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is Being Sworn in as President...

The day is January 20, 2017. The greatly anticipated and feared time has come for Donald Trump's inauguration, and two men are watching it on the television from Australia, because they were slightly drunk and couldn't be bothered to get up and change the channel.

The moment came, and Trump s...

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them,...

I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day..

must have been a figment of my imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

Donald Trump says he went to the University of Pennsylvania, but I could have sworn he went to Syracuse.

Because he sure is an Orange Man.

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Two blondes walk into a bar...

You could have sworn one of them would have seen it

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really?...

The first digital clock

A man is setting up the first ever digital clock, and as soon as he plugs it in, he excitedly calls to his wife, “Honey, come look at this! This technology is truly ahead of its time”

“I could’ve sworn it was only 5:30, but it says its already 12:00!”

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

If you suffer from short term memory loss

I could've sworn I've done this already

I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:

'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'

A priest is buying a used lawnwoer

\*lawnmower

He inspects it and asks owner how does it start. "Very simple, you pull the cord and if it doesn't start right away keep pulling and start swearing." The priest is shocked. "I'm a man of the cloth. I may have sworn when I was younger but by now I've forgotten how." "Oh don't worr...

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns were walking to the market when a man jumped from the bushes and flashed at them and ran away!!!

"What shall we do now ?" Asked the first nun.

"We are sworn to neither lie nor hide the truth" said the second nun " we should report to Mother Superior that we had the misfortune of seeing a man's penis twice".

"Twice?" Exclaimed the first nun" we just saw it once".

"Aren't you...

Lee, the man I grew up thinking was my father, recently told me he doesn't have any kids...

...I could've sworn he was my real dad, but a parent Lee not!

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

Its 8:30am right now

I could have sworn it was 8:29am like a minute ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie in a bottle

One day a man found a bottle, he rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie tells the man that he will grant 3 wishes but his sworn enemy will get double. The first thing he wishes for is 1 million dollars. The genie says ok but your enemy gets 2 million. His next wish was for 24 of the most beautifu...

I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"

I just joined a Tourettes Club

took 5 hours to get sworn in...

Dear Noah

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00.

Sincerely,
The Unicorns

A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.

- Hey, what's that? - she asked.

- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.

The girl fell silen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.



the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" the man says ...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

Heaven was becoming overcrowded to the point where Saint Peter asked if he could only let people in who had a really bad day before he died.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mabel and Irving have their 50th wedding anniversary

... And at the beginning of their marriage 50 years before, they had both solemnly sworn to each other to provide the other with a desired sexual favor on their 50th anniversary, no questions asked. Irving, being pushy, insists on getting his favor first. He knows his wife is a prude so whatever she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving along and sees a lawyer on the side of the road...

...thinking he'll do the world a favor, he jerks the wheel and runs over the lawyer as he drives by. Further down the road he sees another man along the side of the road and as he gets closer he realizes it's a priest and that he's in need of help. At this point he decides to keep his public service...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Army Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagl...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.