UPJOKE
outlastsurvivebequeathoutshineoutgrowinheritsupplantconceivewitherbeliveforsakecircumciseyearnidealize

Outlive Jokes

The easiest way to not have enemies is to outlive them

In the end, time wounds all heels.

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..."

Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lad...

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

A Pastor is preaching on Loving Your Enemies

He expounds on the value of grace and forgiveness to all and how we are called to love our neighbors and our enemies as much as we love ourselves.

The congregation is roused to action and filled with the Holy Spirit

The pastor asks them all "Will you go out into the world and love you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple get into a bad car crash...

... which ends them up in the hospital. The man comes to in the ER and starts calling out for his wife. The doctors come in and calm him down a bit. They explain to him that he's been in an accident and that his wife was in surgery. The surgeon came in and said "Look, we had some complications. Your...

A joke from Hamlet: "What do you call a person who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder or a carpenter does?"

The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

Found on Act 5, Scene 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except a...

Studies have shown that women who are overweight

Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgiving Your Enemies

After a long sermon, the priest asks his parishioners if they are ready to forgive their enemies. About half of the people in the congregation raise their hands. The priest talks for another 20 minutes and at the end asks the same question. This time, 80 percent of the parishioners raise their hands...

Goals.

My goal in life is to outlive my enemies. I'm looking at you Emma Morano, world's oldest person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher was telling his congregation about the virtues of forgiving their enemies.

He asked if anyone there had no enemies. An 85 year old man raises his hand. The preacher is amazed. He says, "Will you tell us, good sir, how is you have no enemies?" The old man says, " yeah, I've outlived all the fuckers."

Patty and Billy...

...drink whiskey together on a regular basis and become the closest of friends. They make a vow that the one who outlives the other will open a bottle of the finest whiskey and pour on the grave site of the other on the day of the funeral. Sadly, Patty dies and Billy is left to proceed with the ri...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.