My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

There is a mysterious blockage high up in my nasal cavity...

...I would like to figure out what it is, but I just can't put my finger on it.

A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"

A man finds a mysterious looking gem buried deep in the desert.

He proceeds to clean the gem when suddenly a genie pops out.

Genie: My name is Hughe mhist ake and I will answer any ONE question no matter what it is. Ask me about the past, present or future and I shall answer.

Man: Amazing! If I ask you how I will die, will I be able to change the f...

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What do you call it when you get a mysterious STD on your dick?

A real head scratcher

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

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The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.

Let that sink in.

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.

The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.

The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."

The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."

My hands disappeared mysteriously today.

I can't really point my finger at what caused it.

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.

A family in my town died of mysterious head injuries...

They lived just a stones throw away from me.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

What do your room and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

Things mysteriously disappear there.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don’t.

Use your turn signal.

What do you call a walnut that has mysteriously disappeared?

AWOL nut.

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

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This just in. A truck full of wigs has crashed under mysterious circumstances.

Police are now combing the area.

There is an Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman

while wandering through the british countryside they come across a tall structure with a slide at the top. all three head to the top and a mysterious man tells them "when you take this slide anything you shout will be at the bottom". the Englishman took the slide first and shouted "ALL THE MONEY IN ...

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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A retired Italian man is working away in his garden when he finds a mysterious old lamp

He picks up and lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he only gets one wish, so he should think on it and make it a good one. The man thinks for a few moments before saying "my wife and I love to drink wine, I'd like to be able to make the best wine in the world!" th...

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Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week.

It was all bull shit.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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God works in mysterious ways...

... That is why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

I know women like to be mysterious...

But turning signals are for safty purposes..

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Prawn again...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm tired o...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

A mysterious hole was found in my area recently.

Local police are looking into it.

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

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it appears a chicken was found dead under mysterious circumstance.

police suspect fowl play.

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

What does The Nativity and Mamma Mia have in common?

A mysteriously pregnant woman is visited by three men who worship her child.

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

A man walks into a bank, because his credit score is mysteriously low.

He doesn't understand this. He knew that he had paid all his debts, repaid all his loans, the whole shebang.

He enters the bank and walks up to the bank teller.

"Hi," he says. "I've noticed that my credit score seems a little low. Could you please check why?"

"Alright," says ...

When I was at school...

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually:
"Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Mathematics works in mysterious ways...[possibly a joke just for UK redditors]

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

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Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas.

A man walks in his front door after a long day at work. Upon entering he hears a voice from out of nowhere that says:

"Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas."

He thinks he must have been hearing things, so he ignores it. The next day, upon arriving home, he...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won't die a virgin.

I want to open a religious store called Mysterious Ways...

...just so I can watch God work.

He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.

E.T. was a great movie.

A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party

A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kid...

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