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Mysterious Jokes

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?
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A mysterious monk walked into the office of a powerful politician...

The monk said that he would offer words of important advice to the politician, in return for an amount of rice.

"How much rice?" - the politician asked.

"I want one grain of rice for the first square of a chessboard. I then want two grains for the second square. And then four grains o...
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Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...
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Something scary happened. A family on my street all died of mysterious head injuries.

And I live a stone's throw from their house.
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I get being "mysterious" is cool...

But turn signals are for the populations safety...
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A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...
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Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest

"It is a bunny." Said the first

"It is a rabbit." Said the second

the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.
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The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don’t.

Use your turn signal.
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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

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What do you call it when you get a mysterious STD on your dick?

A real head scratcher

The Mysterious Letters of Gustavo Rahre

Gustavo Rahre (1932-1991) was an eccentric Chilean artist who left mysterious sculptures of letters of the alphabet scattered in remote locations around the globe. Working with local materials—limestone, sandstone, granite, clay, even wood and peat—he sculpted his first letter, an O, not far from hi...
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A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...
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The Lord works in mysterious ways

Man: Lord, what is a minute to you?

God: A billion years.


Man: Lord, what is a dollar to you?

God: A billion dollars.


Man: Lord, can I have a dollar?

God: Sure, just a minute.
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A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...
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There is a mysterious blockage high up in my nasal cavity...

...I would like to figure out what it is, but I just can't put my finger on it.
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WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.
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The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.

Let that sink in.

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God works in mysterious ways...

... That is why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

A man finds a mysterious looking gem buried deep in the desert.

He proceeds to clean the gem when suddenly a genie pops out.

Genie: My name is Hughe mhist ake and I will answer any ONE question no matter what it is. Ask me about the past, present or future and I shall answer.

Man: Amazing! If I ask you how I will die, will I be able to change the f...
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[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...
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My hands disappeared mysteriously today.

I can't really point my finger at what caused it.
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I know women like to be mysterious...

But turning signals are for safty purposes..
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A mysterious hole was found in my area recently.

Local police are looking into it.
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The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.
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There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
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Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...
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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.
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This just in. A truck full of wigs has crashed under mysterious circumstances.

Police are now combing the area.

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it appears a chicken was found dead under mysterious circumstance.

police suspect fowl play.

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...
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I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.
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After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...
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I want to open a religious store called Mysterious Ways...

...just so I can watch God work.
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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens
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A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party

A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kid...
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A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"
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I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it
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What do you call a walnut that has mysteriously disappeared?

AWOL nut.
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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

Mathematics works in mysterious ways...[possibly a joke just for UK redditors]

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.
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Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.
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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...
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Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week.

It was all bull shit.

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