Survived Jokes - 48 Hilarious Survived Jokes

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains

This gives me hope for humanity.

"I've survived three plane crashes."

Said the pilot.

"I believe I deserve another drink."

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE

But she was no match for my car

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

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After a plane crash, only one woman and two men survived and are lost on a virgin island...

...so they start organizing their new lives, because they have no hope of ever seeing help. While one of them is in charge of hunting and picking fruits, the others build a house, etc.

One day however, the woman decides to convoke both men and expose her frustration:

"It's been so long...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

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An Armenian survived a plane crash in Africa

But it seemed that fate held a grudge against him: he was captured by cannibals and was taken to be served as dinner that same night. When fire got ready, the cannibals brought the poor Armenian to the public eating place, feet and hands tied to the big single barbeque rod, ready to be roasted for g...

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

Swimming Cats

An English cat named “OneTwoThree” and a French cat named “UnDeuxTrois” decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

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There was a man who survived a tornado

He was being interviewed by the local newspaper. The reporter asked him if it sounded like a train coming, and the guy said “i don’t know, until right now I didn’t even know trains had sex”

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

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A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived...

The children came out fine and the doctor had told their mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years. The children lived a happy life with their parents until they turned 13 years old. On that day, child 1 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have someth...

I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years.

24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies.
AND that girl stole his bacon.

I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium.

When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.

All of the astrological signs survived the sinking of the Titanic except

Leo

Now they're saying that if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma.

No sir, they ain't taking my TV.

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this...

Iran

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So only 7 people survived the shipwreck

6 men and a woman ended up on a isolated island after surviving the shipwreck. Soon an agreement was made: each day of the week she'd have sex with one of the men.
Everything was going great, they were getting along, everybody was as happy as possible.
One day the woman dies.
After th...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

If someone got hit by a ton of bricks and survived,

how would they describe it?

A bus, seated with 30 married women, crashed. None survived.

The husbands of the victims all cried for a week.

But one man cried for two weeks instead — so a friend asked, “did you have two wives in that bus?”

“No, I’m sad because my wife missed that bus ride.”

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

Fidel Castro survived assassination attempts, coups, plagues....

....but was like, "Nah, I can't do a Trump world. Good luck y'all, I'm out."

Peta and Repeata were in a boat. Peta fell out, who survived?

The animals.

Did you hear about the guy who survived going over Niagara Falls?

He barrel-y made it.

A man n northern Manitoba survived a bear attack using only a .22 pistol he had in case of emergencies

His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky

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Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2?

He's currently a mod at r/news.

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

World War II, occupied Poland - three partisans who survived a firefight run into a village, fleeing a Wehrmacht squad. Exhausted, they stop by a well...

"They've surrounded the village" one of them says. "There's no way out, sarge!"

"Let's hide in the well" the sergeant responds. "We can hold on to the bucket and brace ourselves against the top walls. Just remember, if anyone comes near, we have to act like the echo, or they'll get suspic...

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What do you call a Nazi who survived the war?

A veterinarian

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