Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

A manager of a food mart comes home after a long day of work.

\*conversation at dinner\*

Manager's wife: I've been wondering how you deal with all the people refusing to wear masks. How?

Manager: Well, I manage.

What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have?

The ones that roll-back.

My g‌‌irlfriend i‌‌s s‌‌o s‌‌mart!

I f‌‌orgot t‌‌o b‌‌ring m‌‌y p‌‌hone, s‌‌o I‌‌ u‌‌sed m‌‌y f‌‌riend's p‌‌hone t‌‌o c‌‌all h‌‌er.

She a‌‌nswered: "‌‌What's u‌‌p, h‌‌oney?"

What a‌‌ s‌‌mart g‌‌irl! S‌‌he k‌‌new I‌‌ w‌‌as t‌‌he o‌‌ne o‌‌n t‌‌he p‌‌hone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,

why isn't anything in the store free yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

A Karen’s favorite store

Where do Karens go to shop and to meet other Karens?
A K-Mart

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome t...

I asked the worker at Wal-Mart where I could find the nuts.

She said, "They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

Yo mamma so fat

Yo momma so fat, clumsy and stupid, on her way to Wal-Mart she tripped over kmart and fell on target.

why are there no Wal-Marts in Syria?

All they have are Targets

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

She got them Wal-Mart eyes....

They roll back!

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

A blind guy walks into Wall Mart past the greeter.

He stops and picks up his dog.
He starts swinging him over his head in a big circle.
The greeter runs over and screams...can I help you??
No no I'm good... I'm just having a look around.

I heard they don't have any Walmart or K-marts in Syria.

Only Targets.

At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas.

I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a retiree decides to take a part time job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

...On his first day, this horrid lady walks in to the store, yelling horrible things at her two children. The man smiles, and she glares back. Undeterred the man continues to smile and says "Oh, I love your twins!" Of course, her children are at least two years apart, and while they share common fea...

Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart.

Because little boys pants are half-off.

Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims

and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead.

RIP K-Mart you will be missed.

What do Wal mart and priests have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.

I'm going to hell lol

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They’re all Targets.

Wal-Mart

Why are there no Wal-Marts in the middle east?
A: Because there are too many Targets

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is longer than the sausages sold at Wal-Mart!

Oh, and I'm banned for 5 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart.

It's the only way I'll see my family again.

A d‌‌og s‌‌ees a‌‌ "‌‌Now h‌‌iring" p‌‌oster o‌‌utside o‌‌f a‌‌ c‌‌omputer s‌‌tore.

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer."

The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ec...

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five ...

Promiscuous women and Wal-Mart have a lot in common...

A lot of people will hate on them and say how much they think its wrong or they dont like it, but at the end of the day, if its 4 am and you're inside of one you're gonna thank god they exist. Plus afterwards you're always showered with regret and guilt but you keep doing it anyway because you have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wal- Matt

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

I USE TO BE A BULL RIDER AND I WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD

Until that guy from Wal-Mart came out and unplugged me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says, "I'm sor...

What is it called when Batman and Superman challenge each other to a race?

A Marthaon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I masturbate naked...

If you don’t like it, go to a different Wal-Mart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Bubba and Billy Bob

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of go...

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

Some people stood in line for 3 hours tonight in Houston.

Once they finished paying for their groceries at Wal Mart, then they went to vote.

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...

He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.

A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.

The rancher says, "Sorry...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard…

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's adv...

First off, I am or will be okay.

First off, I am or will be okay.


I had a terrible accident yesterday after work, but I am doing better now. I decided to go horseback riding, which I haven't done in quite a while. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster, and then we were going as...

The blind Walmart clerk

My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing...

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

Th...

Where do sheep get their clothes?

At the Wool-mart!

I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

Where did the builder buy his bricks from?

Wall-mart.

It’s so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the supermarket

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and tha...

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

Topical Jokes for 10/21

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

NASA scientists are preparing for a mission to Mars by spending eight months in Hawaii. After eight months in Hawaii, the scientists will then go on a well-earned vacation.

...the Hawaii mission will help astronauts...

Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto?

He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind guy walks into a Walmart.

A blind guy walks into Wal-Mart with his seeing eye dog. He gets to the middle of the store, proceeds to grab the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around in circles. The dog yelping all the while with people staring in astonishment. The manager goes running over screaming "what the fuck are y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Couples were Trying to get into a Church...

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newly-wed couple were trying to get into a church.

The pastor said, "we only have one rule to get into this church...to test your devotion to God, you have to abstain from sex for one week."

So the week passed, and the couples all came ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

Where do white supremacists go shopping?

KKK-Mart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and ...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

So this guy was driving down a street...

...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.

He ran to...

Blonde Special

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Cheerio, the Fruity Cheerio (long, but it's worth it)

Once upon a time, there was a Fruity Cheerio. He was a poor cheerio, and lived on the streets. He had no family, and begged other cheerios for money every day. One day, Mr. Cheerio decided to pray to the Cheerio God.

"Dear Cheerio God. I am your humble Cheerio servant. I kindly ask that you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was working very hard in his lab one day...

and after countless hours of working, he had finally invented what he thought was the revolution of the century; the time machine.

Being so tired from his work, he decided to take a break and watch some of the latest news. He flipped through a few channels to find the news channel. The repo...

I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

What's Trump's favorite place to shop?

*Wall-Mart*

^^pls ^^no ^^kill ^^I ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^at ^^2 ^^in ^^the ^^morning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal gover...

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