UPJOKE
tellershopemployeeclerkreceptionistjanitorgreeterwaitressbank clerkmachinedrawerdebit cardsaleswomansalespersonservice

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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

The Cashier said "Strip down, facing me"

By the time I knew he meant the credit card it was too late.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

Why couldn't the cashier see their till?

It just didn't register.

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

I was in a fancy lingerie shop, and I asked the cashier if these knickers were satin..

She said ‘no, they’re brand new!’

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box....

...I've been banned for life from that shop.

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

I told a joke to a cashier today.

It didn't register.

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At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, w...

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

So a guy was making counterfeit money and accidently prints $21 bills.

He decides he could go to a small town gas station where the cashier isn't too bright and see about exchanging them for real cash. He gets there and asks the cashier for his change and the cashier responds "Not a problem. Do you want 7 - $3 bills or 3 - $7 bills?"

The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

What do you call a cashier that was robbed?

You call him ier

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes."

"What did they look like?" I asked.

He said, "Fifty pound notes."

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

The grocery store cashier asked me “Do you want a box for these?”

I replied “You don’t want these hands.”

At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

I went into a book store to ask if they had any books about turtles. The cashier asked, hardback?

I said, yeah, and little heads!

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I went to the garden store and bought a Christmas tree. The cashier asked “will you be putting that up yourself?”

To which I replied “no you sick bastard it’s going in my living room.”

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,

"Sorry about your weight."

CASHIER: Paper or plastic?

CUSTOMER: You choose.
CASHIER: Sorry baggers can’t be choosers.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

A guy goes to a pet shops and goes to the cashier and says..

I need a pet, and I want something different. My bird died and he was great and all but he stopped talking at the end of his life. The cashier says I have just the thing for you, a talking centipede.

The man was surprised, but he said what the heck and bought the talking centipede.

O...

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A man on the verge of pooping into his pants rushes into a busy mini beach market

The only cashier in the small canopy-style store joyfully asks him:

\- Good afternoon sir, how can I help you?

\- I need some toilet paper please.

\- Ah, no worries, we have all kinds of toilet paper. Would you like 1-ply or 2-ply?

\- Uh... 2-ply.

\- Okay! Would yo...

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

An Angry man went to the store to return a thermos.

The cashier asked what was wrong with it.

“Well” said the man “it’s supposed to keep cool things cool”

“Yep”

“And hot things hot”

“Exactly”

“Well it doesn’t work. I put a cup of hot soup and 2 scoops of ice cream in here, and when I took them out they were ruined...

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have con...

The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

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Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the...

Cashier: Hey man, do you have enough bags for your groceries?

Me: Totes

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

I have a friend who’s a cashier.

His username checks out.

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I’m buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

Why did the Bhuddist cashier pull coins out his ass?

Because change comes from within

Cashier: do you want cash back?

Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk The Line. Let's not forget his Christmas album

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I reported a cashier to her management for sexually harassing me

She was checking me out.

What's the difference between a Philosophy major and a cashier at KFC?

A job application.

My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier.

I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I d...

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

I lost my job as a cashier today.

An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.

So I pushed her over.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

Why did the cashier not switch job?

There was no room for change!

I really liked this cashier chick..

But I couldn't teller

The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.

So I told him, "Give me five!"

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.


Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'


The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

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Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

I did not give the cashier an exact amount of money.

Don't worry. Change is coming.

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A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. “You know the thing about dating now is...”

“I never get to meet their parents!”

A guy named Soprano was fired from his job as a cashier.

When asked if he could break a C-note, he was too high to register.

An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

I told the cashier to keep the change..

She told me I should take it if I want to talk to dead people, and she handed me six cents.

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier… Shocked, the cashier asks..’What’s this for?’ The Rastafarian replies..’Me here to open a joint account’

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Why did the Buddhist cashier put coins in his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Credits: From south park game. Just spreading the word!

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

What do you call an Eastern European cashier?

A Checkoutslovakian.

(Better said than read)

A guy goes to Victoria's Secret to buy a babydoll... the cashier asks him if it is a surprise for his wife and he said...

it will be if she finds out!

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He poin...

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag...

I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.

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The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

So there was this really hot cashier...

She definitely checked me out.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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My dad was in the cashier line earlier today

He was buying a 6-pack of beer, and a microwaveable curry.

He noticed in front of him there was a lady buying a bottle of wine and a microwaveable Chinese meal.

He smiled at her and said “hi there, are you single?”

She replied “yes, how did you know?”

He responded “beca...

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

I walked up to the really depressed cashier.

He scanned all my items. I said, "So, what's the damage?"

"£42.53," he muttered.

I said, "I was referring to you."

My mom won’t let my dad go to the store

The cashier’s always checking him out

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

Next time the cashier asks me if I want "Paper or Plastic"

I'm just gonna say, "Doesn't matter to me, I'm bi-sacksual."

Did you hear about the cashier who did tricks with the barcode machine, but still charged full price?

She was a scan artist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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