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Cashier Jokes

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

What's the difference between a Philosophy major and a cashier at KFC?

A job application.

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

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My cashier was a jerk today

That's the last time I use self-checkout

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

The Cashier said "Strip down, facing me"

By the time I knew he meant the credit card it was too late.

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"



Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

A shopper at the supermarket went to a cashier to check out.

He was in a hurry, trying to rush the groceries through and pack his cart at the same time. Then, in his haste, he accidentally tripped on the cart and fell headfirst onto the cashier's barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless.

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

Today I had the meanest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had.

I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

I told the cashier that her eyebrows were drawn too high

I guess she didn't realize because she seemed pretty surprised.

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal bitch.

I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

A father went shopping with his 3 year old son

The child was crying loudly and the father kept repeating calmly: "It's ok Johnny, don't cry Johnny, everything's gonna be fine."

When they reach the cashier, the child continued to cry louder but the father kept reapeating calmly: "We're almost done Johnny, you're gonna be home soon Johnny, ...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

Cashiers are always checking me out

That's the closest I'll ever get to a woman being interested in me

Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

CASHIER: Paper or plastic?

CUSTOMER: You choose.
CASHIER: Sorry baggers can’t be choosers.

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Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the...

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

I told a joke to a cashier today.

It didn't register.

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula


The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

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As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”

No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

I was in a fancy lingerie shop, and I asked the cashier if these knickers were satin..

She said ‘no, they’re brand new!’

The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

A guy goes to a pet shops and goes to the cashier and says..

I need a pet, and I want something different. My bird died and he was great and all but he stopped talking at the end of his life. The cashier says I have just the thing for you, a talking centipede.

The man was surprised, but he said what the heck and bought the talking centipede.

O...

What do you call a cashier that was robbed?

You call him ier

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

Cashier: do you want cash back?

Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk The Line. Let's not forget his Christmas album

Disgusting cashier

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog on the counter.

The cashier asks," do you have a dog sir?"

"Yes, its at home." Replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is the store policy sir."says the cashier.
<...

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The nervous cashier

It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it...

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and the...

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

Hi there good sir, what is your name? asked the cashier.

The customer: "Yhumohsbe Joe King!"

The cashier: "no, seriously, what is your name?"

The customer: "YHUMOHSBE JOE KING!"

The cashier, irate: "Do I look like I'm joking!? Seriously, what is your name?"

The customer: "My name IS Yhumohsbe Joe King!!!"

The cashier: "o...

I lost my job as a cashier today.

An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.

So I pushed her over.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

The grocery store cashier asked me “Do you want a box for these?”

I replied “You don’t want these hands.”

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

What do cashiers and insomnia have in common?

They'll both give you bags and make you miserable

I have a friend who’s a cashier.

His username checks out.

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A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic.

I told her: "just put the money in a fucking bag!"

Why did the cashier not switch job?

There was no room for change!

I really liked this cashier chick..

But I couldn't teller

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box....

...I've been banned for life from that shop.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,

"Sorry about your weight."

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

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I reported a cashier to her management for sexually harassing me

She was checking me out.

An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have con...

Cashier: Hey man, do you have enough bags for your groceries?

Me: Totes

So there was this really hot cashier...

She definitely checked me out.

Why did the Bhuddist cashier pull coins out his ass?

Because change comes from within

I told the cashier to keep the change..

She told me I should take it if I want to talk to dead people, and she handed me six cents.

I walked up to the really depressed cashier.

He scanned all my items. I said, "So, what's the damage?"

"£42.53," he muttered.

I said, "I was referring to you."

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

I told the cashier at McDonald's that there's some cute girls here.

I asked her if she could get them out of the ball pit for me.

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Why did the Buddhist cashier put coins in his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Credits: From south park game. Just spreading the word!

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

My girlfriend dumped me because I was obsessed with my job as a cashier.

I said, "Would you like your receipt in case you change your mind?"

It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers...

often open with "sorry for the weight".

Said to a cashier the other day...

So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"

I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He de...

The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...

I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"

I went into a book store to ask if they had any books about turtles. The cashier asked, hardback?

I said, yeah, and little heads!

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

An anti-vax mom is at a cashier

"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says

The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"

The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I’m buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

A guy named Soprano was fired from his job as a cashier.

When asked if he could break a C-note, he was too high to register.

A punk girl goes shopping and asks the cashier

"Can i get a refund if my parents like these clothes?"

A man brings some condoms to the cashier...

"I thought those were $4.99" said the man
"35 cents for the tax" replied the cashier
"Oh, I was wondered what kept those things on."

A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag...

I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.

What did the wooden log say to the cashier of the bank it was robbing?

Give me all your greens—This is a stick up!

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic?

...because baggers can't be choosers.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

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