A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows?

Browsing.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

"I can't find the shopping list."

He said listlessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

I was told that a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with...

I was lied to. Everyone else had clothes on.

For my friend’s birthday, I just bought him a giant clock after 2 hours of shopping.

Time to wrap it up.

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

Cattle feed shopping

Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended.

However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

Why do the Autobots do their Christmas shopping at night?

Because that's when they get pajamas on Prime.


It's okay, even I would downvote this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

You are at a store shopping...

You are at a store shopping, going about your business, getting your favourite food. You see me in the distance, my arms FILLED with limes. I walk past you and stumble, dropping all of my limes. My face burns bright red as I scramble on the ground fumbling to pick up my limes, but to little avail an...

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

Honey, I need you to come chair shopping with me!

Because I’m a bad judge of chairacter.

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

Where do sheep go shopping?

The baazaar.

What did Narcissus say when he was shopping for luxury Jacuzzis?

I can really see myself in that pool

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.

She comes over and says hi to him.

He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”

She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever be...

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was shopping with his wife in the supermarket.

Going down the aisle he notices a special offer, of 2 boxes of beer for £10.00. So he says to his wife can I get 2 boxes.?

Wife: No we cannot afford it.

Husband: But you have just spent £50.00. On makeup.

Wife: That is to make me look attractive

Husband: That's what the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy with a speech problem goes shopping.

(Sorry in advance for grammar mistakes)


There was a young boy with a speech problem, so he used to say words incorrectly.

One day, his mother asked him to go to the shops to get a bun, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel. So he went to the baker and says "Can I have a bum please?"
...

Shopping centers, you've seen one

You've seen the mall

A grandma is shopping with her grandson

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.

The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: DEGREE, put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, "Is that his name?" The grandma replied "Yes! I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back !"

Went shopping for cherries and microphones today

Bought a Bing, bought a boom

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

I just got my period while I was thrift shopping

It really cramping my style.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I saw my neighbor carrying bags of shopping up to his apartment, impressed, I offered him a hand.

He wasn’t thrilled with my applause

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

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