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Tesco Jokes

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

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Tesco mechanical doctor

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machi...

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today

It was buy one get one brie

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

I've just got back from Tesco...

I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself...


...Hispanic buying

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've bot...

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I was in tescos yesterday

I was in tesco yesterday there was a Polish couple in front of me the lady at the check out asked if they needed help packing there bags I thought fucking hell love bit quick there

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

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Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

Tesco reported a £6.4bn loss..

I guess that's what you get for betting on horses!

Supermarket joke; I think.

I went to the checkout at tescos after getting a sandwich and crisps. They young girl asked me if I wanted to go for drink! I was shocked and said:”young lady I am old enough to be your granddad”. She look at me and said:”the drink is part of the meal deal”. I had never been so embarrassed.

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My wife ran into the house...

"Guess what!" she said, "I got a new job down the street on the corner.''

''What!'' I replied, ''It better not be what I think it is!...You'll bring shame on the family!.. What will the neighbours say?"

''No, no, stop worrying'' she said reassuring me, ''Not in the Tescos!..... I'm gon...

To the lady at Tesco who had her kid on a leash...

I‘m sorry I asked if he was a rescue, and very thankful you didn’t sicc him on me.

A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar.

A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar..

He says to the barman 'Can I have a pint please?'

Barman says 'Sorry pal, didn't quite catch that, speak up a bit'

Burger says 'Sorry there, I'm a little bit horse'

How good are Tesco's meatballs?

They're the dog's bollocks!

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas

Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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For everyone's attention, having anal sex will get you a lifetime ban from Iceland

Tonight I try my luck in Tesco

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

There are 2 Scouse men sat at a table

Man 1: ‘There has been a fire at Tesco’s!’

Man 2: ‘Has there?!’

Man 1: ‘No, Tesco’s!’

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

A horse walks into a bar.

The horse says "ow".





The barman shoots him in the head and sells his constituent parts to Tesco for beef mince.

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

Why do you spell 'bandana' with a D?

Because to do so without it is 'bananas'



I found this joke on a handwritten note is tesco.

So thank you kind joker.

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Corona Virus

Apparently the first member of this group has sadly died because of the coronavirus.

In their house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!”

The whole lot coll...

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Lazy Dad

I was shopping in Tesco with my Daughter earlier & she turned around and said "Your such a lazy bastard dad"
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley!

I'm not saying that my ex-wife has bad teeth,

but she smiled in Tesco once and the barcode scanner thought she was a set of saucepans.

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn’t wa...

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Just keep calm

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . ....

At the petrol station

I cannot believe what just happened.. I was at the tesco petrol station going in to pay and I noticed two policemen standing and watching a man and shaking their heads. I looked back and saw he was smoking while he was filling his tank. When I realised what he was doing I thought, what a moron, righ...

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

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Whilst lubing your arse up with KY Jelly or baby oil will make for easy insertion,

9 times out of 10 it will get you thrown out of the Tesco fruit and veg section...

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[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

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Joining the church...

A newly married couple move to their dream home in a small village. They are not particularly religious, however they think that joining the church would be an ideal way to meet the locals and be able to join in a little with the community.

So they go to the church to ask the Vicar about join...

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