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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

My roommate is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to „Jeffrey Epstein“?

To make sure he doesn‘t kill himself.

My friend was suicidal and worked at retail

His coworkers found his goodbye note in the break room. They checked the back room but were too late. The price gun, still smoking, and his head, half off

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

How do suicidal balloons greet each other?

What's popping?

I wish my clothes were suicidal.

So they would hang themselves.

What do you call a suicidal pig?

Hambitious...

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I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts.

He now makes me pay in advance.

A suicidal man is teetering on the edge of a roof...

Behind him, he hears a voice beg, "Please, sir, don't do this."

There is a young woman behind him, repairing an HVAC unit.

"Life may look bleak, but that's part of the beauty of living. Look at me, I got pregnant at age 15, kicked out of my family home and had to live a hard life."
...

How does a suicidal person like their eggs?

Over easy

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

A Suicidal person and a Homicidal person are roomed together in a psyche ward

The homicidal person says "we share a common interest"

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

Suicidal jokes are pretty funny,

But it's even funnier when it ends!

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

I went to give a suicidal person a high five....

But he left me hanging.

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

A dumbass,a suicidal person and a gamer walk into a bar

The bartender says: you are 13 why are you in a bar

A man is suicidal and is about to jump off a building

“Don’t do it!” shouts another man from behind him. “God loves you and has given you life for a purpose.”

“Really?” says the suicidal man.

“Yes. Do you believe in God?”

“Yes.”

“Me too! Christian or non-Christian?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Which denomination?”...

Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty,

I crack myself up

What is a suicidal man's favorite game?

Hangman

Q: What do you call it when a bunch of suicidal people all sleep together?

A: A Hangover

I'm suicidal but recently found Jesus and started praying every night.

Yet, I keep waking up with my prayers unanswered.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

What do you call a suicidal lacotose-intollerant person?

A danger to themselves and udders

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

A match is feeling suicidal.

So it scratches its head.

What did the suicidal guy say to the scientist who was trying to not get him to jump

You have so much potential

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

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Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years....

Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting

“JUMP!”

What did the suicidal math student hang themself with?

A hypotenuse

I hate suicidal cannibals

They're so full of themselves

A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts

Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today

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