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Suicidal Jokes

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

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**Inside the U.S.**

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**If you’re outside the U.S.**

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Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years....

A man and his suicidal horse walk into a bar

The man says to the bartender, "Bartender! Get me the best wings you have and make it quick as I am quite hungry right now."

With his eyes lit up, the horse turns to his owner and asks, "How hungry?"

I wish my clothes were suicidal.

So they would hang themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

What did the suicidal man say before jumping off the roof of the building?

Well, time to hit the road!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl?

Hey, wanna hang?

Suicidal jokes are pretty funny,

But it's even funnier when it ends!

My friend was suicidal and worked at retail

His coworkers found his goodbye note in the break room. They checked the back room but were too late. The price gun, still smoking, and his head, half off

What do you call a suicidal pig?

Hambitious...

How does a suicidal person like their eggs?

Over easy

Like a suicidal Humpty Dumpty,

I crack myself up

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

I went to give a suicidal person a high five....

But he left me hanging.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

I hate suicidal cannibals

They're so full of themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to „Jeffrey Epstein“?

To make sure he doesn‘t kill himself.

A match is feeling suicidal.

So it scratches its head.

What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?

Don't do it! You have potential!

Why did the suicidal guy cross the road?

To get to the other side.

What is a suicidal man's favorite game?

Hangman

A suicidal man is teetering on the edge of a roof...

Behind him, he hears a voice beg, "Please, sir, don't do this."

There is a young woman behind him, repairing an HVAC unit.

"Life may look bleak, but that's part of the beauty of living. Look at me, I got pregnant at age 15, kicked out of my family home and had to live a hard life."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The suicidal girl and the sailor

I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)


A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a yo...

The more suicidal people get

The less suicidal people there are!

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

What did the suicidal porcupine do?

It quilled itself

What do you call a suicidal lacotose-intollerant person?

A danger to themselves and udders

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

You leave him hanging....

My dishwasher is feeling suicidal

My dishwasher is feeling suicidal and keeps ingesting bleach. But I don’t want her to die because I’ve been married to her for 12 years.

my doctor said i was suicidal

i asked him 'how long do i have to live?'

Biker VS Suicidal Girl

A tough looking group of bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss ...

What kept the suicidal kid from jumping?

A rope.

I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts

but now I don't.

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

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