Hysterical Jokes - 80 Hilarious Hysterical Jokes

This lady was at the supermarket crying hysterically

I said what’s the matter???

She said I just lost $200
And I can’t find it!

Me being the nice guy I am…

I gave her $50 from the $200 I just found

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

My wife walked into the room and I snuck up behind her and yelled; BOO! She cried hysterically and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!" "Is this her first child?" asks the operator. "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

It's an old joke, but I said it to my kids and their friends and they went hysterical

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in th...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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A woman wakes up hysterically laughing...

Her husband, hearing the laughter, immediately asks her what she finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the wife says. “ I dreamt I was at a penis auction. The nicest penises were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok penises were selling for $100, and the meh penises were selling for around...

An hysterical woman runs into

the country club proshop. "Help!" she shrieks, "I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic!" unperturbed the pro says, "Calm down, ma'am, asking "Now just where were you stung?" "Between the first and second holes, " she replies. "Well, I'm no doctor, " he grins, "but offhand I'd say your sta...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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[NSFW] A rooster sees a cat fall in a pool and starts laughing hysterically.

What's the moral of the story?

A wet pussy makes a happy cock.

A man on a plane started shouting hysterically:

"I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee I'm a wigwam!..." nobody could get him to stop. Finally the flight attendant went over to him. She said "calm down, you're two tents."

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains that she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying. The doctor examined her and turns to her husband.

"It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

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A man comes home one day to his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen...

'What's wrong dearest?' asks the confused husband. 'Oh darling', sobbed the wife, 'I was cleaning little Susies room today and I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed along with a very erotic porn magazine! Whatever are we going to do??' 'Well', replied the man, 'I guess a spanking is out ...

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

I went to a funeral featuring a comedian

Everyone was hysterical

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

Yesterday, my Mexican friend called me and started babbling hysterically.

I couldn’t understand his panic.

Joke my grandfather told me (he thought it was hysterical)

One day a man goes to his doctor and complains of pains saying, "Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I go like this!" (My grandpa then lifted his right arm.)

So what does the doctor say? The doctor says, "Well then don't go like this!" (Grandpa proceeded to raise same right arm again. Grandpa then ...

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

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My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

A beer bottle, a mirror, and ... something else.

The beer bottle is bragging "If you break me, you get a whole year of bad luck!"

"That's pathetic." says the mirror. "If you break me, you get seven whole years of bad luck!"

A condom looks at the beer bottle and the mirror. At first he says nothing. Then he begins to snicker. Then he...

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out o...

TIL It is common for staff and surgeons to laugh hysterically during separation surgery to conjoined twins.

Well it is side-splitting.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"

"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."

The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him...

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the sa...

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

3 Guys Go To A Ski Lodge, But There Aren't Enough Rooms...

So they're forced to share a bed.

Middle of the night comes around and the guy on the right wakes up hysterical claiming he had the most wildest dream--someone was giving him a hand job!

The guy on the left woke up and from all the ruckus and said that's an awful coincidence...he was ...

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A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses....

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

Neil Armstrong would go to parties, tell anecdotes about when he was on the moon, then laugh hysterically at his story, though no one else would understand what was so funny...

So he'd add 'well I guess you had to be there.'

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A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give h...

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

Poison !!

Police: ma’am how did your husband die?

Wife: poison (hysterically crying)

Police: but he had bruises all over his body

Wife: I know. He didn’t want to take it.

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I ...

My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

Car crash

Today I came upon a car crash. The female driver was hysterical. She kept screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind” I tried to calm her down and reassure her she was just in shock. I asked her “How many fingers do I have up?” “ She screamed even louder “ Oh my God, I’m paralyzed from the waist down too”

A journalist visits a prison.

He hears the prisoners shouting out numbers, and then laughing hysterically. He asks the warden what's going on, and the warden says, "Well, we only have one joke book in the prison, so all the prisoners memorized the jokes, and they just call out the numbers, and everyone remembers the jokes and th...

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

Two Snowmen are in a field...

...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."

My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.

A man gets a phone call from the hospital...

He finds out his wife has been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition. So he immediately stops what he's doing and rushes to the hospital as fast as he can.

When he gets to the waiting room, he frantically asks the doctor, "Where is my wife? Is she okay? What happened?"

The...

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Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a ...

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who’s there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

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Monday morning, Joe, the court clerk, finds a note on his desk.

Memo: Attn: Joe, Court Clerk...

From: Judge Frank...

Today's tasks:

1) Contact hysterical woman who you emailed Friday about her being sentenced to go to the rapist because her actions contributed to mans laughter.

2) Fix your keyboard. The spacebar sticks.

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

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Molly gets Paddy to stop drinking

Paddy was a terrible drunkard, and Molly had just about had her fill. One day when Paddy was passed out, Molly asked the doctor if he could say something to make him stop drinking. So when Paddy woke up, the doctor said "now Paddy, if you keep drinking like this, your guts are going to fall out an...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.

Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

Reza was walking the down the block

He saw a man standing by himself laughing,
Curious, he went to ask the guy what is he laughing at. The guy said, I'm telling jokes to myself.
Just as Reza wanted to move past him
The guy started laughing hysterically
Then again reza asked what happened?
Then the guy responded:
I h...

I always wanted to die as calm as my grandfather...

and not as hysterical as my grandmother on the passenger seat.

Translation of an old Yiddish Joke...

One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossaks. They braced t...

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In a Nazi concentration camp

The inmates were being led into the gas chamber. One of them slip in front of the door, hit his head and died on the spot, before going inside the gas chamber. And the rest of the inmates were gassed to death too.

They meet each other in heaven and started laughing hysterically about how the ...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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Guy walks up to a bartender

And points at a cup about 10 feet away sitting on the bar. Man says, “I’ll bet you $300 I can piss in that cup and not get a drop anywhere else.” Bartender thinks on it for a second and he responds, “you’re on.”

So the guy stands up on the bar, gets ready, and pisses everywhere. He hits the d...

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

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