Schizophrenic Jokes

Well, three can play that game!

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

I left her cause she was seeing other people

So do I

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

...but at least i have each other.

Pastor: "Tell that to a philosopher."

Me: "Even better, a psychologist."

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes... read more

but at least I've got each other.

He drives me crazy.

So did he.

Psycho-sis

And orders a drink.

I say he’s a hypocrite. Especially since I don’t exist

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"

Bartender says "Hello. What can I get you?"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whisk... read more

"I've been seeing someone..."

But you already knew that, didn’t you.

They are managers.

*"You're* broken" replied the lightbulb.

I hear invoices!

Everyone \*around\* him heard voices.

I’m seeing someone.

,,,but he’s good people

But we're all right now.

He's nuts!

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

But what does he know I don't even have a roommate.

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MANAGE THEIR INVOICES.

To both of them actually.

Well, that's what the voices tell me

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

Me and the voices in my head disagreed.

Because they never know what is real and what is not.

I never asked them

A man who is at two with the universe.

Do You Hear what I Hear?

He stays up all night asking himself if there is a Dog.



Thank.

edit new Joke: How many times can a 40something year old ADHD, dyslexic, moron try to tell this joke and still get it wrong?

That Sharon is Karen...

I don’t know, I’m asking for a friend

...and so am I.

I whispered: ”Hey buddy, remember you’re never alone.”

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

They both think outloud.

It was easy, he had them surrounded.

A person who argues with himself all night about whether or not there is a dog.

which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

It developed quickly.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

when I dated a schizophrenic.

And I said, "Hey Doc, you must be talking to the wrong guy!"

He's like a completely different person

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If... read more

a schizophrenic cripple without a leg...

When God talks to you, you're a schizophrenic.

Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

Q: What do you call someone who hears voices calling their name all the time?

A: A schizophrenic narcissist.

He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic..

Well.. he didn't actually say it.. but WE KNEW he was thinking it.

I approach this dog and it looked deep deep into my soul,
it then stands back onto its hind legs and opened its mouth to speak,
however.
The dog didn’t speak,
fires erupted from its mouth
its eyes rolled into the back of its head
and it turned into a chicken.

Man... b... read more

As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.

The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.

"That's incredible," he s... read more

Skyping for schizophrenics

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ... read more

The schizophrenic.

I guess my brother might be schizophrenic because he has gone fast and far.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people.... read more