My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

I was dating a schizophrenic chick and

I left her cause she was seeing other people

Movie really spoke to the schizophrenic in me.

To both of them actually.

What do you call a schizophrenic on a merry-go-round?

A fidget spinner

A schizophrenic man walks into a bar...

And orders a drink.

Where do paranoid schizophrenics ride their bicycles?

On the psychopath.

What did the schizophrenic guy say to his ex?

I’m seeing someone.

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

What do schizophrenic Karens do for a living?

They are managers.

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a schizophrenic who only has sex with MILFS?

One crazy motherfucker..

What did the schizophrenic accountant say?

I hear invoices!

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

I know I'm schizophrenic...

but at least I've got each other.

I’m a paranoid Schizophrenic

But you already knew that, didn’t you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best thing about sex as a schizophrenic?

It's always an orgy.

"This light's broken" complained the schizophrenic

*"You're* broken" replied the lightbulb.

I asked the voice in my head, "Do you think we're schizophrenic?"

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic

But jokes on him, he's not real

My Grandfather was a schizophrenic

He was strict but he's good people.

Why do schizophrenic foreigners always get confused with the Israel-Palestine conflict?

Because they never know what is real and what is not.

I tried to cheer up this paranoid schizophrenic guy, who’s always worried someone is watching him.

I whispered: ”Hey buddy, remember you’re never alone.”

I used to be schizophrenic.

But we're OK now.

What do you get if you combine a insomniac, a Agnostic with a Schizophrenic and a dyslexic?

A person who argues with himself all night about whether or not there is a dog.

How did the schizophrenic do on their math test?

They passed with flying colors.

Did you hear about the schizophrenic almond...

He's nuts!

What did the stingy schizophrenic finally come to realize after years of therapy?

That Sharon is Karen...

My roommate said I might be schizophrenic.

But what does he know I don't even have a roommate.

My doctor told me i’m a paranoid schizophrenic

well, he didn’t SAY that, but WE know that’s what he was thinking.

I always ask myself whether I'm schizophrenic

But the voices inside my head tell me no and I trust them

What do a schizophrenic and psychopath share in common?

I don’t know, I’m asking for a friend

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"

Bartender says "Hello. What can I get you?"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whisk...

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy.

Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices...

I never asked them

Schizophrenics aren't crazy

Well, that's what the voices tell me

My cat just told me I was schizophrenic.

I didn't believe him, of course. I don't have a cat.

How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?

A man who is at two with the universe.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic...

...and so am I.

My friend has just been diagnosed as a Polaroid Schizophrenic.

It developed quickly.

A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner.

It was easy, he had them surrounded.

I thought I was schizophrenic...

But I talked myself out of it.

The other day I went to the doctor and he told me I may be schizophrenic

And I said, "Hey Doc, you must be talking to the wrong guy!"

What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear what I Hear?

The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I accidentally came across an orgy full of schizophrenics.

I was fucking insanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

My mate Jim says I might be schizophrenic...

which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

So I was walking in the park one day when I saw this dog

I approach this dog and it looked deep deep into my soul,
it then stands back onto its hind legs and opened its mouth to speak,
however.
The dog didn’t speak,
fires erupted from its mouth
its eyes rolled into the back of its head
and it turned into a chicken.

Man... b...

A guy walks into a psychiatric ward to visit his old man.

As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.

The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.

"That's incredible," he s...

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

In every group of friends there's always...

The schizophrenic.

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

A Joke For The Psychiatry World

Q: What do you call someone who hears voices calling their name all the time?

A: A schizophrenic narcissist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

Mirrors

Skyping for schizophrenics

I take instant pictures of myself where I try on different personalities.

I’m a Polaroid schizophrenic.

If you want to go fast, go alone. But, if you want to go far, go together.

I guess my brother might be schizophrenic because he has gone fast and far.

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