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Acute Jokes

If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed....

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

My wife was at the doctor's and he told her she had a acute angina.

She said thanks and all but she was happily married.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

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Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

What’s the reason for an acute shortage of steel in the world?

Zelenski’s Balls!

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Why are acute angles always so depressed?

Because they're never right

My mother in law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....

I always try to cheer her up with chocolate and flowers.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

I was going to make an acute joke about right angles

But it was just a reflex.

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(nsfw) A very elderly couple were dating and decided to wed. On their wedding night, as they were about to consummate the relationship, the women said to her husband, "I have to warn you. I have acute angina."

"Am I relieved to hear that!" her husband replied. "Cuz those are about the ugliest tits I have ever seen."

I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA!

Sorry, wrong bus!

You want to hear acute joke?

If you're cold, just go sit in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.

Doctor said I have acute pharyngitis.

I said, “sorry doc, I’m married.”

Psychiatrist to neurotic patient "You have acute paranoia"

Neurotic Patient "I came here to be treated, not admired"

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Acute Angina

An elderly man and woman in a nursing home decide to get married. On the wedding night the man goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed. The woman quickly takes all of her clothes off and gets into bed pulling the sheet up just under her breasts. The man comes out of the bathroom and is a litt...

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

Which angle are you most likely to ask out on a date?

Acute angle.

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acute angina

Gerty and George had been flirting for afew weeks at the Senior Home. They decided to seal the deal and Gerty accompanied George to his room, closed the door and slipped her shirt off.
"Be careful, I have acute angina," She said

George let his eyes linger as he took in her body and said,...

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I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

Q. What's the best kind of triangle to ask out on a date?

A. Acute Triangle

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Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

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Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

A friend sent me a message the other day, "Your dog is such a lovely angle."

Acute dog, indeed.

joke

Two friends were walking by when they saw a poster with a joke on it. It said "Are you cold at the moment? Come to the corner, it's 90 degrees."

"Wow," said the first friend. "That's acute joke."
"Eh, not really." said the second friend. "Actually it's all right."

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I just knocked a doctor out...

...because he said my wife had a nice pussy.



Turns out she has acute angina.

Does anyone else ever suddenly get all existential and acutely aware of their own self-awareness and that other people around you have their own consciousness?

Just making sure it's not just me.

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical....

Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

I just got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign says "Stroke victims with acute angina"

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

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Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.


The problem develope...

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Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

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A guy takes his wife to the doctor.

He tells the doctor that she is having chest pains. The doctor examined her and told her husband she has acute angina. The husband says “I think so too, what do you think of her tits?”

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

Why did the square fall in love with the triangle?

Because she had acute angle.

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

A woman has a pain in her chest.

Her husband takes her to A&E. She's taken into a cubicle for examination. After a while the doctor comes to her husband and says. "She has acute angina" The guy replies "I know Doctor. That's why I married her. But what caused the pain in her chest?

An English E meets a French É

and says 'That's acute accent.'

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Man gets home from work and finds his wife crying in the kitchen.

‘What’s wrong , honey? ‘ he asks all worried.

‘ I went to the doctor today and as he examined me he said I had a beautiful pussy ‘ his wife sobbed.

The man got angry and jumped into the car and drive to the Doctors surgery, he rushed into the office and grabbing the Doctor by the throa...

Did you hear about the angle that cought COVID

It was acute

An old Couple in a nursing home decide to hook-up, And go to a closet, to be discreet, The woman warns the gent,"I have Acute Angina" and the gent says..

"That's good 'cause your tit's are ugly as hell!"

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I once had sex with a girl who had an 89° vagina

She really had acute pussy

My wife's friend had a baby...

She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

Are you a 45 degree angle?

Because you're acute-y.

Saw this girl in math class and said

Hey girl you might be a little obtuse, but at the right angle you kind of acute.

Hey, is your name Corona?

Because you put the cute, in acute respiratory failure

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So, an elderly man's elderly wife comes home from the doctors .

She says" I'm in shock, the doctor says I have a nice pussy". The furious husband calls the doctor to find out what the hell is going on. He then turns to his wife and says "no, the doctor said you have acute angina".

A man was being interviewed for job in the army

The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. Merciless and ready to attack. Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. And most importantly having a killer instinct!

So do you think you are eligible?

The man rep...

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An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, withdrew it, then licked his finger. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. A...

A blonde has sharp pains in her side...

She goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

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An elderly couple get married

On the wedding night, the bride enters the bedroom wearing her sexiest evening wear.

Be careful with me, she says. I have acute angina.

That's good, the groom responds. Because your tits look like shit

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An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”

“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

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The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those ...

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A man and his wife goes to the doctor because she is experiencing shortness of breath and she comes out of the exam room saying, "Well, the doc thinks I have a nice cooter!"

"What in the actual fuck?!!" says the husband.

"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter."

The husband is pissed and goes in to talk to the doctor.

"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation."

"That's not w...

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Nursing Home

An elderly man and woman at a nursing home become attracted to each other, and decide to sneak off to the janitor's closet to have sex.
They start kissing, and things get pretty heated. The man slowly unbuttons the woman's blouse and removes her bra.
The woman stops him and says, "before we go...

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Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

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The Prostitute

A prostitute is recently diagnosed with heart trouble but decides to go to "work" anyway.

She is approached by a potential customer and tells him, "It's gonna be 50 dollars, but I have to tell you, I have acute angina."

He replies, "Well I hope so, because your face is kind of ugly."

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Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford ne...

How did the triangle know he had appendicitis?

He had an acute pain in his side!

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A young man says to his girlfriend's father

"Sir, I would like your permission to marry your daughter."

And Dad says "You know, it's lovely to find such a well-mannered young man, and we think she's very lucky to have found you -- but can I just ask, do you know she has acute angina?"

And the young man says "You're telling m...

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

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An old couple are going at it.

A widow and a widower meet in a retirement home. After weeks of talking and flirting they decide to convene in his room. Things begin to get hot and heavy.

He unbuttons her blouse and begins to fondle her breasts. She unzips his pants and starts playing with his dick. When he is erect he mak...

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care ...

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A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.

The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."

"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already...

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple punk rocker Mohawk hair, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing was admitted to the ER. It was quickly determined she had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff not...

There are 3 men stranded in the wild...

and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute p...

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Once upon a time in a nursing home...

...there was an 80 year old woman and an 80 year old man. Despite their advanced years, they were both very much sexually driven despite the doctor's insistence that they give up that type of activity due to their advanced age, but one night, a sly wink over a game of Bingo and a sexy smile over pu...

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A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."

"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your s...

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A couple in an old folks home

There was a social night planned at an old folks home. There was dancing, a punch bowl, snacks, etc... It was a pretty tame event.

Two of the residents, an elderly man and elderly woman were bored and decided that they needed more excitement so they snuck off to a utility closet so they could...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

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