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Commit Suicide Jokes

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Why did the quasar commit suicide?

The oscillation was too much to bear

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

Why did the mathematician commit suicide?

Because he had too many problems.

How did the hipster decide to commit suicide?

He drowned in mainstream.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

Why do Gardeners commit suicide?

Because the grass is always greener on *the other side.*

Why did the Heaven’s Gate Cult commit suicide?

They just wanted to keep up with the Joneses !

How did Kanye commit suicide?

He jumped from the top of his ego.

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw the gas bill

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.




Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

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The most effective way to commit suicide;

Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic

Step 2: Run for office

Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population

Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague

Step 5: Wait

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*

Suicide...

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

How do you get a Blonde to commit suicide?

You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide at the end of WW2?

He was mad that Stalin had killed more Russians than he ever could.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

How do you commit suicide using remote explosives?

See for yourself

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A beatiful woman wants to commit suicide...

She wants to jump off a tall bridge in a park. As she is about to jump a stranger appears and asks:"What are you doing there?" "I end my life! It's just miserable." she replies.
"Okay, but...if you end your life anyways would you mind to fuck with me one last time in your life?" "Hell no! You loo...

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