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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

How does a Pokemon trainer commit suicide?

Escape rope.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

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I tried to commit suicide once...

not doing that shit again, I nearly died.

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"

the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

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why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.

The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?


How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

How does an atheist commit suicide?

He puts the pedal to the floor and asks Jesus to take the wheel.

Sorry if this is a repost. I genuinely believed I thought it up all by myself.

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

An old woman wants to commit suicide... shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

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Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide at the end of WW2?

He was mad that Stalin had killed more Russians than he ever could.

Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit suicide?

Shoot him

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Man wanting to commit suicide

So a man in his mid 40's just got fired from his job as a watch salesman. He goes home in his broken down car to break the news to his wife only to find out that she's been cheating on him with his extremely successful best friend. "Thats it" he thinks and jumps out his window. Unfortunately he land...

How do you get a Blonde to commit suicide?

You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will so...

Don't commit suicide kids

Your parents will ground you forever

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When did Hitler decide it was time to Commit Suicide?

He expected to pay the price, but when that final gas bill came in, he said fuck this.

A man wanted to commit suicide

But he hesitated and called the suicide prevention hotline.

Suicide prevention: Hello?

Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?

Suicide prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!

*a few minutes pass*


Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

How did the hipster decide to commit suicide?

He drowned in mainstream.

I'd like to commit suicide to get rid of my indecisiveness

but I don't wanna jump into conclusions.

How do you commit suicide using remote explosives?

See for yourself

A man tried to commit suicide and was unsuccessful

He couldn't get his life on track

My friend said to me the other day “I think I’m going to commit suicide!”

I replied “Bet you a 100 you don’t…”

I still have that 100.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

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A beatiful woman wants to commit suicide...

She wants to jump off a tall bridge in a park. As she is about to jump a stranger appears and asks:"What are you doing there?" "I end my life! It's just miserable." she replies.
"Okay, but...if you end your life anyways would you mind to fuck with me one last time in your life?" "Hell no! You loo...

Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation?

He wanted to go out on a high note.

A depressed blonde decided that she wanted to commit suicide.

She went to the park to find a tree to hang herself on. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose are your neck, not your waist," said the onl...

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