UPJOKE
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My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

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I'm trying to write a joke about a chronic procrastinator and an inflatable doll.

Fuck it, I'll do it later.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia

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I just flew back from a chronic masturbators convention

And boy is my arm tired

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Why are more and more chronic masturbators getting banned from public beaches?

They keep coming in waves.

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

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What's the difference between a chronic masturbator and a metronome?

One is a beat meter and the other is a meat beater.

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

My father, his father, his father's father and his father's father's father all had chronic diarrhoea

Runs in the family I guess

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The tragedy of Robert the Rooster

Why did Robert the Rooster decide to kill himself? I'm talking about the rooster who worked 80 work weeks, who got up at the crack of dawn every morning, who had three divorces in his thirties, who is survived by his two estranged children, who had horrible credit, and who suffered from chronic acid...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

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Why should you always keep a chronic masturbater nearby?

He comes in handy.

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Do you suffer from chronic masturbation?

As a therapist i can help. We can beat it together.

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What do you call someone with chronic masterbation.

Handsome

For 2021, I'm absolutely done with being a chronic people pleaser..!!

......as long as everyone is ok with that ?

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbater that was hospitalized?

Reports say it was because of too many strokes

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

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My doctor said I had chronic constipation.

To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit.

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

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What do a pilot and a chronic masturbator have in common?

When they wake up abruptly their first thought is to pull up.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

What do you call a chronically drunk congress?

A beerocracy

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My chronic diarrhoea is giving me insomnia

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

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What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

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What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite food?

Stroganoff

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Caillou's dad goes to the doctor.

After a thorough examination, he asks: "So, doc. What's up with my chronic constipation?"

The doctor replies, "We've determined that it's because of your little asshole."

"I don't see how," he says. "I always lock the bathroom door to keep him out."

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who took a sick day?

He wasn't feeling himself.

Heard about the man with chronic dandruff who was attacked by a shark?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

Have you heard the one about a chronic procrastinator?

....never mind, I'll tell you later.

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Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

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What do pro-life activists call a chronic masturbator?

Jack-off the Ripper.

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A Chinese woman who was a chronic masturbator crossdressed to enlist in the army

Her name was Fa Ping

New genetics study shows that chronic diarrhea may be hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

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A man with chronic diarrhea and a Boy Scout master had an agreement.

I shit you knot.

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

What do you call it when a dog has chronic inflammation in its joints?

Arf-ritis...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

i used to suffer from chronic adhd

as i was saying bacon makes everything better.

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Why was the chronic masturbater restrained to his hospital bed?

He kept trying to discharge himself

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Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit...

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A Doctor told a man he had chronic constipation. His response..

''No shit!''

What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?

No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.

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What do you call a chronic masturbaiter in Turkey?

A jerkin Turkin

Chronic pain and a new suit

A man has had chronic pain his whole adult life. It started in his late teens, and it progressively got worse over the years. Finally, at the age of 60, he decides he will see a specialist and get this taken care of.

He goes to various specialists, and spends thousands of dollars, and to no...

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

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My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

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Three old man are comparing the severity of their old-age problems

The first one says, "I have an enlarged prostate and it's so hard to pee, I even started drinking less water because I can't let it all out well"

The second one says, "I have chronic constipation and it's so hard to crap, I even started eating less because it's not going out well enough other...

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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The smoker the drunk and the sex addict

3 guys in jail are being ready to be released, one a chronic smoker, one a drunk and one a sex addict.

On the date of thier release they go before the judge who then turns into the devil and tells them.....

IF YOU SMOKE ONE MORE CIGARETTE YOU'LL DIE

IF YOU DRANK ONE MORE BEER Y...

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

What do you call someone who smokes weed constantly?

A chronic smoker

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.

"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir...

A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illne...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day?

Chronic pane

I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

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1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room,...

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Went to the doctor today, he came back with some good news and some bad news...

The good news is I have my shit together.
The bad news, I'm chronically constipated...

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

What do you get from too many bong hits?

A chronic injury.

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

What do you call tonic water with THC in it?

Chronic water.

How does Snoop organize his weed?

In chronic-logical order

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Wartime injuries (NSFW)

A general is visiting troops in the hospital during wartime. He walks up to the first bed and asks the soldier what he is in for. The soldier replies, "Chronic gonorrhea, sir." The general asks how he is treating it. The soldier replies, "15 minutes a day with a wire brush, sir." The general asks wh...

Depression

Doctor: I think you suffer from seasonal depression.

Patient: I think it’s chronic depression.

Doctor: why?

Patient; because I hate my life in the summer too.

In the famous words of Bob Ross: There’s no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...

Unless your “little accident” is diagnosed with chronic depression.

Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Chronic depression makes the meat a little tangy.

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

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(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness...

After pulling me to one side, he said "We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."

"What on earth am I going to do?" I asked.

He said "When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't ...

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