The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

I have a chronic fear of giants.

It's a fee-fi-phobia

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

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Why did the chronic masturbator's computer crash?

There was too much load on the CPU.

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

My father, his father, his father's father and his father's father's father all had chronic diarrhoea

Runs in the family I guess

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What's the difference between a chronic masturbator and a metronome?

One is a beat meter and the other is a meat beater.

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

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Do you suffer from chronic masturbation?

As a therapist i can help. We can beat it together.

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Caillou's dad goes to the doctor.

After a thorough examination, he asks: "So, doc. What's up with my chronic constipation?"

The doctor replies, "We've determined that it's because of your little asshole."

"I don't see how," he says. "I always lock the bathroom door to keep him out."

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Why is it good to keep a chronic masturbator around?

They always come in handy!

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

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In an attempt to break his addiction...

In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last jerked off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

For 2021, I'm absolutely done with being a chronic people pleaser..!!

......as long as everyone is ok with that ?

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What do you call someone with chronic masterbation.

Handsome

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

I think my cat has chronic pain....

He keeps saying “me ow”

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

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My doctor said I had chronic constipation.

To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit.

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What do a pilot and a chronic masturbator have in common?

When they wake up abruptly their first thought is to pull up.

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbater that was hospitalized?

Reports say it was because of too many strokes

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

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Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

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My chronic diarrhoea is giving me insomnia

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite food?

Stroganoff

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who took a sick day?

He wasn't feeling himself.

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What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

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Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

Have you heard the one about a chronic procrastinator?

....never mind, I'll tell you later.

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What do pro-life activists call a chronic masturbator?

Jack-off the Ripper.

Heard about the man with chronic dandruff who was attacked by a shark?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

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A Chinese woman who was a chronic masturbator crossdressed to enlist in the army

Her name was Fa Ping

New genetics study shows that chronic diarrhea may be hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

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Where did the chronic masturbator go for treatment?

The stroke center

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

What do you call it when a dog has chronic inflammation in its joints?

Arf-ritis...

i used to suffer from chronic adhd

as i was saying bacon makes everything better.

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Why was the chronic masturbater restrained to his hospital bed?

He kept trying to discharge himself

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

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Did you hear about the Mexican hit-man who was a chronic masturbator?

He got excited when he was ordered to rub Juan out.

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Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit...

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A Doctor told a man he had chronic constipation. His response..

''No shit!''

What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?

No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.

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My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

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What do you call a chronic masturbaiter in Turkey?

A jerkin Turkin

Chronic pain and a new suit

A man has had chronic pain his whole adult life. It started in his late teens, and it progressively got worse over the years. Finally, at the age of 60, he decides he will see a specialist and get this taken care of.

He goes to various specialists, and spends thousands of dollars, and to no...

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

I think my weed dealer gave me corona

I’ve got a chronic cough.

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Three old man are comparing the severity of their old-age problems

The first one says, "I have an enlarged prostate and it's so hard to pee, I even started drinking less water because I can't let it all out well"

The second one says, "I have chronic constipation and it's so hard to crap, I even started eating less because it's not going out well enough other...

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

What do you call someone who smokes weed constantly?

A chronic smoker

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir", replies the man.

"What treatment are you getting?". "Five minutes with the wire brush, each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man", says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illne...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

A time machine goes to the hospital.

The doctor enters and goes to 2017. He finds a caveman inside and returns to the present day.

The doctor says, "Sorry sir, but you have an ana-chronic disease."

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Went to the doctor today, he came back with some good news and some bad news...

The good news is I have my shit together.
The bad news, I'm chronically constipated...

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

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1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room,...

How does Snoop organize his weed?

In chronic-logical order

What do you get from too many bong hits?

A chronic injury.

Depression

Doctor: I think you suffer from seasonal depression.

Patient: I think it’s chronic depression.

Doctor: why?

Patient; because I hate my life in the summer too.

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what ...

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Wartime injuries (NSFW)

A general is visiting troops in the hospital during wartime. He walks up to the first bed and asks the soldier what he is in for. The soldier replies, "Chronic gonorrhea, sir." The general asks how he is treating it. The soldier replies, "15 minutes a day with a wire brush, sir." The general asks wh...

In the famous words of Bob Ross: There’s no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...

Unless your “little accident” is diagnosed with chronic depression.

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[NSFW] A fishing guide strikes up a conversation with a new customer.

"So, you here on vacation?"

"Sort of. It's my honeymoon."

"Well, if you don't mind my asking, what are you doing *here?* Shouldn't you be making love to your wife?"

"Wellll, she's got gonorrhea, so..."

"Aw, that's terrible! Well, maybe you could talk her into some, you kn...

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Chronic depression makes the meat a little tangy.

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(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness...

After pulling me to one side, he said "We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."

"What on earth am I going to do?" I asked.

He said "When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't ...

Why was the Mathematician frowned upon?

He was a chronic math-debater

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NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

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