UPJOKE
carelessirresponsiblenegligentfoolishriskyimpulsivefoolhardyheedlessstupidrashbolddeliberatemisguidedwantonunreasonable

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

A man is pulled over for recklessly speeding at 3am

The police officer demands to know: where are you rushing to at 3am?

The man answers: to hear a lecture.

The police officer asks: a lecture??? Who the hell is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?!?!

The man responds: **my wife!!!**

Reckless Farting is unlawful in Stockholm…

Which is why I always exercise good pedal control.

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I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

A cop pulled over a guy for reckless meandering driving

The cop walked up to the driver window and asked - "how high are you?"

The guy replied - "No officer, it's 'Hi, how're you?"

Man drives in recklessly in high speed, down mountain road

Man drives in recklessly in high speed, down mountain road.

Coming up toward him, a woman roll down her window and shout: watch it pig

The man shout back: you watch it cow, and smash into stray pig in middle of the road

Reckless Driving

A man was driving on the highway when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck that was in front of him.

Seconds later, a police office pulled him over for reckless driving.

As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed the box he'd avoided ha...

I been having these electrical impulse to be more reckless

I've been grounded so many times

A reckless biker revved his bike up SO much...

... that St. Peter had to rebuild the Pearly Gates.

How do you turn a reckless driver into a good driver?

Add a W at the beginning of reckless.

A man is driving recklessly on the highway

A man is driving recklessly on the highway. A cop sees him me pulls him over.
The officer asks the man to step outside of his vehicle and then asks for him to pee into a cup.
The man replies " I can't do that I'm diabetic, my blood sugar will get to low"
The officer then asks the man to blo...

A priest just started spraying holy water on people with reckless abandon

It was a blessacre!

A policeman pulls over a man driving recklessly

The policeman asks "How high are you?"

The man says "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'."

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

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I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

An accident between a motorcycle and a car occured yesterday.

The cause was determined to be the motorcyclist riding recklessly.

It was wheelie bad.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

Nervous systems are too reckless

They always do everything on impulse

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.

When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

What do you call a reckless thief who only steals cooking utensils?

A whisk taker.

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

My buddy told me that 'on my tombstone when i go, just put death by rock and roll'

which is pretty reckless

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them

The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

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Little Johnny stomps on some honeybees....

One day little Johnny was playing outside. As he was feeling particularly reckless, Johnny kicked a beehive. The honeybees cam out of the hive and started swirling around Johnny. This pissed Johnny off so he stomped on the bees. His father witnessed this and told him: “Don’t do that! No honey for a ...

A golfer shanks his ball clear off the course...

...and out onto the road, where it hits a passing cop car. The cop runs onto the course and writes the man a ticket for reckless driving.

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

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A man goes on a long business trip NSFW

While he is away he is worried his wife will miss him. To prevent this he takes a trip to his local adult store. Having never been there the vast assortment of adult toys takes him by surprise, not knowing what to get, the man approaches the shopkeep and explains his situation. The man smiles and...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and an amateur golfer?

Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving

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The other day I saw a girl texting while driving.

The other day I saw a girl texting while driving. Doesn't she realize how dangerous that is? She had no concern for all the people she was on the road with. I thought of all the other motorist that she was putting in danger with her reckless behavior and this pissed me off. So I rolled down my windo...

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still go...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortun...

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When Americans annoys Russians .

There was a group of Americans camping in the wild forest , suddenly there was a black bear walking towards them so they ran away recklessly .

However they accidentally destroyed Russians' campsites when escaping from black bear, how could Russians let them go like this ? They caught up t...

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A man is often sent on business trips...

And discovers that during most, his wife would cheat on him. Being such a forgiving man he decided to ask his wife of she could stop if given an amazing sex toy. His wife agreed as long as it was amazing.

He proceeds to the local sex shop and asks the clerk for the best sex toy he's got in S...

A lady was pulled over for doing 120mph in a 50mph zone

The highway patrolman says "Why in the hell are you driving that fast?" She replied "Well I'm running so late for work." The patrolman says "Well I'm going to have to take you to jail for reckless driving." "Is there anything I can do to avoid it? I'll buy tickets to the Highway Patrolman ball to he...

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The Stop Sign

A business man was very late for work one day and was driving recklessly. As he pulled up to a STOP sign, he simply slowed down a bit, and then continued at his original pace.
A police officer caught him in the act and pulled him over and explained his mistake.
"Come on," said the man...

Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter

Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.

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Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

The woman's bumper sticker claimed she was pro-life...

...but her reckless driving suggested otherwise.

A recently retired man decides to buy his dream car

A brand new 2015 Chevy Corvette. As he's leaving the dealership with his new purchase, he decides to open it up on the road and see what his car can do. He's flying down the road at about 130 mph when he sees the red and blue sirens behind him trying to keep up. He pushes the pedal to the floor, kno...

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The Green Gnome [NSFW]

A man goes to an adult super store in search of a new and exciting toy to please his wife. He asks the store owner if he has anything special. The store owner shows him what he refers to as The Magic Green Gnome, but it's very expensive. The man decides that there is no price too steep for his wife'...

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Strange Punishment

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of though...

An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas

After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money.

The tribe signalled back, saying "No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"

Just then, a nuclear bomb was det...

A older man bought himself a convertible sports car

He figured he'd lived past the age of 50 quite responsibly and it was about time he started having some fun.

He was driving down the highway with the roof down far exceeding the speed limit. Suddenly he sees blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror, the traffic police...

Increasin...

A Nun Pun [x-post from /r/Catholicism]

Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes....

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A man gets into a taxi

and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks "Where to?" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there.

The quickest route involves going on the...

Heaven

Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the da...

A Classic Arab Joke I'd Like to Share [Long-Form]

A young bachelor catches the sweet eyes of a girl in his neighborhood named Roula. Absolutely enthralled, the bachelor goes to his father to tell him about her. Upon telling him, the father looks gravely to his son and says,

"Oh no son... listen, I was a little bit reckless when I was youn...

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