Americans: Your kids are being so unsafe

Also Americans: Look it’s my right to give my kids polio

They said my car was unsafe and I should stop driving it immediately.

Then again, bad brakes have never stopped me before....

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe.

So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?

Hey that's whisky behavior

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ...

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unsafe Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."...

Why would the Higgs Boson feel unsafe in a country where the leader openly practiced genocide?

It would be a land of mass-murder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night.

I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets into a taxi

and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks "Where to?" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there.

The quickest route involves going on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, one to change the light buld and the other 9 to say "that should be me up there"
2) How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one but it takes a whole emergancy room to screw it back out again
3) How many English men does it ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.