Delusional Jokes - 26 Hilarious Delusional Jokes

Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

Did you hear about the delusional electrician?

Turns out, he wasn't properly **grounded** in reality.

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

The other day my friend told me I was delusional...

...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

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I'm in a band called Delusional Bastards.

I know what you're thinking...great name.

I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.

Edit: Thanks for my first Reddit gold, people!

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Jesus turns on the light.

A doctor asks his patient how he's been. The man says, "Great and the Lord is with me. Every time I use the bathroom at night He turns on the light and turns it off when I'm done." The Doctor asks the man's wife if she thinks the man is delusional. She asks why. The doctor says, "He thinks the Lord ...

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too delusional.

But I don't think that I have that problem, right giant cabbage?

Hello and welcome to the Mental Help Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If...

I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying - that woman is delusional.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

"I want my future kids to think 'wow mommy and daddy are really in love' "

So you want them to be delusional?

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Two women are talking

The first one says "I will always vaccinate my children so they won't get diseases." The second one says "I will never vaccinate my children, it could be harmful to them" then the first lady yells " Are you fucking delusional" the second lady answers with "that's why I take them to the doctor where ...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.

"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"

"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"

"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

What's the difference between L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand?

One author is delusional and whose fans follow blindly like a religion...and the other is L. Ron Hubbard.

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

Thom Yorke's phone thinks someone is listening in on its calls...

...delusional iPhone.

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

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Bob & Charlie

Bob and Charlie are the only patients in ward D of a mental institution. Bob is hyperactive and delusional while Charlie is catatonic. Their nurse checks in on them three times a day.

At the beginning of her shift the nurse starts walking over to Bob's room and hears him making loud truck sou...

Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012

Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?

Obama: President?? You have to be stupid, ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!

Trump: Perfect, I will...

The Talking Dog

A man with a dog walks into a talent agent, and says "I have a talking dog, he'll be the biggest attraction in town". The agent is skeptical of course but tells the man to proceed.

The man says "okay, Fido, what's on the outside of a tree?", to which the dog replies "bark!"

The agent i...

Donald Trump's has said his favorite movie is Citizen Kane

It's about a guy who inherited his wealth, flirted with fascism, and ended up a delusional, sad man.

I really don't have anything to add to that.

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