Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too delusional.

But I don't think that I have that problem, right giant cabbage?

The other day my friend told me I was delusional...

...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.

Edit: Thanks for my first Reddit gold, people!

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I'm in a band called Delusional Bastards.

I know what you're thinking...great name

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

People who claim to talk to God are so delusional..

I've never talked to any of them.

"I want my future kids to think 'wow mommy and daddy are really in love' "

So you want them to be delusional?

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Jesus turns on the light.

A doctor asks his patient how he's been. The man says, "Great and the Lord is with me. Every time I use the bathroom at night He turns on the light and turns it off when I'm done." The Doctor asks the man's wife if she thinks the man is delusional. She asks why. The doctor says, "He thinks the Lord ...

I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"



I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying - that woman is delusional.

Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

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Two women are talking

The first one says "I will always vaccinate my children so they won't get diseases." The second one says "I will never vaccinate my children, it could be harmful to them" then the first lady yells " Are you fucking delusional" the second lady answers with "that's why I take them to the doctor where ...

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

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Bob & Charlie

Bob and Charlie are the only patients in ward D of a mental institution. Bob is hyperactive and delusional while Charlie is catatonic. Their nurse checks in on them three times a day.

At the beginning of her shift the nurse starts walking over to Bob's room and hears him making loud truck sou...

Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012

Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?

Obama: President?? You have to be stupid, ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!

Trump: Perfect, I will...

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

The Talking Dog

A man with a dog walks into a talent agent, and says "I have a talking dog, he'll be the biggest attraction in town". The agent is skeptical of course but tells the man to proceed.

The man says "okay, Fido, what's on the outside of a tree?", to which the dog replies "bark!"

The agent i...

Thom Yorke's phone thinks someone is listening in on its calls...

...delusional iPhone.

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