Geocentrists and Flat-Earthers are so selfish.

They think the whole universe revolves around them.

Internet humor is so selfish

It's all about meme meme meme

How Does a Selfish Person Screw in a Lightbulb?

He sticks in the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him

I'm so selfish...

I buy ribbed condoms and wear them inside out.

What do you call a selfish sponge?

Self absorbed

What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

The French may be selfish, ungrateful Anglophobes, but you gotta give 'em credit.

They are always there when they need us.

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My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom

I almost choked on my own cock

People say I'm selfish

It's an opinion I don't share.

what does a selfish cow say?

meeeeeeeeee

When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.

originally from the one and only Milton jones

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

Why are urologists selfish?

Because they're all about number one

My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom".

She's the one that won't let me sleep.

What was Jesus’s selfish younger brother named?

Jesme

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Mothers are Selfish

I told my mom Happy Mother's Day, but she never responded with Happy Sunday.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

How do you know Bono is selfish?

He does a lot of Pro-Bono work.

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What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an orgy?

A knob-hoggin' hobgoblin!

Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed.

Nearly everything that company does is selfish.

I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass

All they do is dribble.

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My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom

I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit ...

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A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”

The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your...

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”

She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” ...

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me attractive...

I’d get my friends to call me attractive over and over again. Then I’d pocket everything for myself because I’m a selfish jerk.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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A salesman has to travel to Pittsburg for work...

When he gets to the ticket line at the airport, he is caught by how beautiful, and voluptuous, the desk clerk is.
She asks “can I help you?”
And he stammers out “one picket to titsburg please!”
Embarrassed, he apologizes, corrects himself, and gets his ticket.
For the next three days he’...

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men...

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I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...

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The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

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Got lucky on a business trip to London

On a recent trip to London I hit the jackpot and was lucky enough to have sex with the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton!
 
After this amazing experience I have drawn 3 conclusions:
 
1. Her tits are really firm, they are probably fake.
 
2. She didn...

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

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Shooting the moon

David, a young Silicon valley nerd billionaire suddenly become reclusive and started building a big cannon in his backyard. When asked what the cannon is for, he said he is going to shoot the moon resulting in his parents locking him up in a mental institution. and after 1 year, the shrink interview...

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3 Guys on a dock

There are three guys out on a dock fishing. One of them thinks he has a fish and pulls up an old bottle. *Poof* A genie appears. "I've been in that damn bottle for... I don't even know how long," says the genie. "I'm going to grant all three of you three wishes!"

The fishermen are ecstatic. T...

I work at an aquatic pet store.

I just do my job, but people keep calling me selfish.

Jesus walks into a bar.

Because the bar had caused him physical harm, Jesus told it "Because of your selfish need to whack people, I condemn thee to the confines of hell, as you will no longer be able to torment, for you will be tormented." And poof! The bar is gone.

The Golden Gate Bridge collapses.

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

A Jewish couple are having trouble teaching their son math.

They try several schools and tutors, and his math scores remain abysmal. Eventually, there's only one school left in town. It's a Catholic school, and the Jewish parents are uneasy about sending their son. But, after looking at the school's amazing academic records, they decide it would be selfish t...

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A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its tr...

He Demanded to be Buried With ALL of His Money...

After working hard his entire life and religiously saving his money, one man’s dying wish was to be buried with every cent he had earned.

Of course, this last selfish request would have left his widow destitute, but apparently, a lifetime of love and devotion wasn’t worth much to him.

...

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.

After the funeral, the three we...

The new bull

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks...

A Story if Trump Wins The Election

Donald Trump won the 2016 Presidential election. The first night was packed full of activities and tours of the White House. Trump finally got to his room and was falling asleep in his new bed and saw the ghost of George Washington appear in front of him during his dream. Donald called out to him,...

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Respect and Blowjobs

A girl and boy meet in high school and fall in love. They do everything together and eventually lose their virginity to one another, but the girl refuses to give him a blowjob. "I'm sorry," she says. "I love you so much and I'd do anything else in the world for you, but I'm afraid you'd lose resp...

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A man comes home to find his future sister-in-law waiting for him...

A man comes home from work to find his fiance's incredibly attractive younger sister waiting for him. She is wearing nothing but high heels and a 'come hither' smirk on her face. He asks her "What's going on?", and she replies "I've always wanted to have a go with you since the day my sister brought...

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