Selfish Jokes - 90 Hilarious Selfish Jokes

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

I wanted to tell you a joke about selfishness.

But I'll keep this one for myself.

What did the selfish prickly plant say to the others?

It’s Cact-**I** not Cactus

Or What’s a communists favorite plant…The cact**US**

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!

...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

My wife entered me in a selfish lover competition.

Can’t believe I came first.

What is the most selfish type of bomb?

A mine!

What is the most selfish bomb found on land?

>!A landmine!!<

What is the most selfish one for water?

>!Nestle!!<

Internet humor is so selfish

It's all about meme meme meme

What do you call a selfish female sibling?

A narcissister

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My therapist said i am selfish.

I just told them i didn't feel like sharing.

I don't agree with my girlfriend when she calls me selfish..

I just like to keep that to myself.

I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"

So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

What did the selfish anteater say when offered a full course French dinner?

Is this all fourmis?

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

People say I'm selfish

It's an opinion I don't share.

I wonder if people find polyamory to be selfish.

I mean, you can have your Kate and Edith too.

What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

Why are urologists selfish?

Because they're all about number one

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.

We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

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My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom

I almost choked on my own cock

Mothers are Selfish

I told my mom Happy Mother's Day, but she never responded with Happy Sunday.

What do you call a selfish sponge?

Self absorbed

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

The French may be selfish, ungrateful Anglophobes, but you gotta give 'em credit.

They are always there when they need us.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

I'm so selfish....

I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

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Masturbating is extremely selfish.

Fuck me. Right?

Geocentrists and Flat-Earthers are so selfish.

They think the whole universe revolves around them.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

What’s a selfish person’s favourite musical note?

The neighbors were greedy, selfish, rude, and had come into money from their family's milk farm.

They were dairy heirs.

My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom".

She's the one that won't let me sleep.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

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What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an orgy?

A knob-hoggin' hobgoblin!

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IN the supermarket today,

I saw a man with a trolley full of toilet paper, hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soap, everything that people need. I told him what a selfish fuck he was. He said, “That’s all well and good, mate, but l work here so can l finish stocking the shelves now?”

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...

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My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom

I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face

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My son is so ungrateful

I bought him a peanut butter chocolate chip cake for his birthday. He just grabbed his EpiPen and complained to me about it; selfish brat!

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

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I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.

I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.

He said “Are you done? Cu...

What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men...

What was Jesus’s selfish younger brother named?

Jesme

I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass

All they do is dribble.

Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed.

Nearly everything that company does is selfish.

It's so typical of my late uncle not to come to my funeral.

I went to his the selfish git.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

Survey

(Advance warning - Lame joke ahead)

A woman approaches a man on the street and says, "Excuse me Sir, I’m doing a little survey, can I ask you some questions?"

The man says. "Yes of course."

Woman: "Assume that you’re traveling in a bus and a lady gets on the bus and she’s got ...

what is the most lonely fish?

a selfish

So I met a girl at the bar

Nothing really interesting about her. Her hair was on fire, yeah.

In my opinion she was really selfish. It was all about *her.*

"Help *me"*

"Put *me* out."

"*I'm* not joking *I'm* on fire."

"*I'm* dying."

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”

The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your...

The holiest man in the world deserves a reward.

One day, God looked down on earth and felt despair at all the evil and selfish people that were inhabiting the world. God then cast his gaze on a man who was not like everyone else. This man was truly the most caring and holy man in all creation. God decided that this man deserved a reward for being...

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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

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Hi, I'm Ted and I'm addicted to making puns.

Everyone: Hi Ted!

Ted: the final straw was when my friend said to me "you need to stop making puns, it is selfish and mean. You're a dick, Ted"

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Nikita Khrushchev sees his driver eating grass.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, with the wages you've given me i can only feed my kids."

Khrushchev triples his wage.

Stalin's driver overheard this and decides to bite away at his lawn with a passion to elicit Stalin's empathy.

"What the hell are you doing?"
...

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me attractive...

I’d get my friends to call me attractive over and over again. Then I’d pocket everything for myself because I’m a selfish jerk.

My roommate has adopted a new diet where she only eats things with a shell

She told me as she was eating her breakfast.

I said "That's nuts!"

She said "Eggs actually."

"Exactly nuts!", I said.

"If that's your attitude, I guess I won't be sharing any food with you" she said.

"That's selfish," I replied.

She said "No, that's for lunc...

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A soldier heading home from the frontlines gets on a train

The soldier walks the length of the crowded train searching for a seat. He stops by a rich woman who has her dog sitting next to her.

The soldier speaks in a calm , tired voice, "Ma'am, can you move your dog so I can sit down?"

Offended and speaking in a high and mighty tone of vo...

Sharing is caring.

But strangely, when people learn I have two living wives, they say that's selfish.

I think it's big o' me.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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Trapped in a room.

A genie appears in front of a man, who then demands the genie grant him three wishes. The genie, offended, traps the man in a room closed off completely on all 6 faces. The genie appears in the room next to the man and says:
“I will leave you a wooden table, a pack of cigarettes, a hand saw, and ...

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The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

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An American goes to Ireland (long) NSFW

An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says, '...

A priest decides to take a Sunday off

He feels a little guilty, but is sick of church, and tells himself that he deserves it. Just one Sunday off, what could it hurt? He arranges for a guest priest to give the service, and when Sunday comes, he goes golfing.

The priest gets to the golf course, and sets the ball on the tee. He li...

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brake...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

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Got lucky on a business trip to London

On a recent trip to London I hit the jackpot and was lucky enough to have sex with the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton!
 
After this amazing experience I have drawn 3 conclusions:
 
1. Her tits are really firm, they are probably fake.
 
2. She didn...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

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A salesman has to travel to Pittsburg for work...

When he gets to the ticket line at the airport, he is caught by how beautiful, and voluptuous, the desk clerk is.
She asks “can I help you?”
And he stammers out “one picket to titsburg please!”
Embarrassed, he apologizes, corrects himself, and gets his ticket.
For the next three days he’...

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I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

A Jewish couple are having trouble teaching their son math.

They try several schools and tutors, and his math scores remain abysmal. Eventually, there's only one school left in town. It's a Catholic school, and the Jewish parents are uneasy about sending their son. But, after looking at the school's amazing academic records, they decide it would be selfish t...

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.

After the funeral, the three we...

My girlfriend does not like my beagle Molly, so I have to rehome her.

My girlfriend does not like my beagle Molly, so I have to rehome her.

She is a purebured from a wealthy area and I have had her for 4 years. She likes to play games. She's not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them do...

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A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its tr...

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

The new bull

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks...

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants a...

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

He Demanded to be Buried With ALL of His Money...

After working hard his entire life and religiously saving his money, one man’s dying wish was to be buried with every cent he had earned.

Of course, this last selfish request would have left his widow destitute, but apparently, a lifetime of love and devotion wasn’t worth much to him.

...

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

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3 Guys on a dock

There are three guys out on a dock fishing. One of them thinks he has a fish and pulls up an old bottle. *Poof* A genie appears. "I've been in that damn bottle for... I don't even know how long," says the genie. "I'm going to grant all three of you three wishes!"

The fishermen are ecstatic. T...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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