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Upset Jokes

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

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My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.

I was never really that much into her.

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau...

...but that’s the highest form of flattery.

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

My girlfriend’s dog died so I bought her another one just like it. She got very upset and said,

“What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

Why was the barber upset about his child?

The baby was always cowlicky

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Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?

Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My son was very upset when he found out he was adopted.

In hindsight, "one man's trash is another man's treasure" was probably not the best way to start that conversation.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

A man comes home to his wife, upset.

"Listen, dear..." he tells her. "I'm afraid we'll have to divorce."

"What? Why?"

"They say you've had too many men before me."

The wife thinks for a moment:

"I don't understand," she says. "Am I a bad cook?"

"No, of course not! You are a marvelous cook, better than...

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.

Polly gone.

A Jewish father was very upset with how his son was turning out

He went to the Rabbi to ask him for some advice. He said, "Rabbi, I'm very worried about my son, I gave him the best possible Jewish education and despite this, he's now in his teens and is becoming a Christian!"

The Rabbi said, "it's funny you should say that, I too had a son who I raised t...

Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Did...

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My girlfriend was getting upset that I was constantly horny...

... so she broke it off.

My wife came home from golfing with the girls and she seemed upset

I asked what’s wrong, and she said “I was in misery all day. I got stung by a hornet between the first and second holes”

I said, “Your stance is too wide.”

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

Our friend Les is really upset because he failed his French Lit exam.

The result made Les Miserable.

Why are “Little People” so upset that Hugh Grant is playing an Oompa Loompa ?

Because they are Short Tempered…?

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Another guy comes home from work to find his wife very upset....

"Honey, what's the matter?" he asks.

"This!" she says, pulling out a stack of heavy duty S&M porn magazines, you know, the really hardcore German stuff with whips, chains, leather suits & ball gags. "I found these in our son's room when I was changing the sheets. What are we going to ...

On his Birthday, Peter was really upset...

On his Birthday, Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Ann...

Why should you never upset your oven

It might get too heated

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset.

Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday

luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

How do you make a mialman upset?

You mix up his letters

Why were the strawberries upset?

Because their parents were in a jam.

John Madden has passed away, but I hardly feel upset.

EA will just clone Madden next year.

The breast implant recall is making some women upset.

But I think they are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

A Jewish Father was very upset by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought my son up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then, he tells me last week that he's decided to be Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The Rabbi rubs his beard and says: "Funny you should come to me. I too brou...

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

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My wife got upset that I slept with a Russian woman...

...until I told her it wasn't an affair, just a special sexual operation.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

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Father is upset his teenage daughter is pregnant…

He tries to be understanding and asked when it happened.

She says to her father, “Remember when I asked if my boyfriend could go on vacation with us!”

Her father says, “Yes, I remember that talk.”

The pregnant teen replies with, “You said ‘Fuck him!’ and I did.”

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

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An upset man has filed a lawsuit against Nirvana over the band's iconic 1991 album cover.

Sounds like a baby just trying to grab some money.

My friend got upset at me because I said that Jathan is a weird name.

He was like "are you THERIOUTH right now?"

A Trump supporter was upset...

...about having ordered custom "Trump 2020-2024" merchandise from China and now not being able to get a refund. "I just can't accept that I have to kiss my 10 yuan goodbye." I nodded sympathetically but advised him that he'll just have to accept bye ten yuan.

Why was the vegan comet upset?

As he entered the atmosphere he became a little meteor.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.

know what upsets me about women breast feeding in public?

They never wink back

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Why was the vampire upset after having sex?

Premature adraculation.

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.

Never upset a pediatrician.

They have very little patients.

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

My colour blind friend is still upset with me.

I thought the Rubik’s cube was a great gift.

I upset a Jehovah's Witness at work today...

...he started telling me a knock-knock joke, but I wouldn't answer.

My son was really upset.

I tried everything to cheer him up. I have him a Nintendo switch, an xbox, a PlayStation. But nothing worked. He was unconsolable.

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Why was the Eunuch Hoarder upset?

Because they removed his junk

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

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I don't know why everyone got so upset today when a bird stole my sandwich.

All I said was, "Fuck you, crane!"

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv

I’m upset that my doppelgänger moved in next door.

I’m beside myself about it.

Why was the priest upset with his new PS5

It didn’t support cross play

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

Saw two hipsters at the mall today who got really upset when I called 'em that.

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut

I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

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An upset older man calls his Doctor. NSFW

"Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "It's my wife, doctor, my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor. "Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...

Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.

The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she...

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

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Why wasn't Samantha upset about York changing to Sargent?

I guess she was just happy getting new Dick.

*sees my way out*

Why was Blitzen so upset with his wife?

She snuck off to Vegas for the weekend and blew 1000 bucks

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A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits

So he went up to the school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him", she suggested. That afternoon after school she asked the
boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into....

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

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Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?

Because she got an F in sex.

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?

Bevause he holy ghosted her.

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

I wanted to upset an Italian friend

So I broke some spaghetti in front of him

Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset.

She claims he won’t tater anywhere.

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

Billy Idol’s wife gets very upset when he’s behind on the yardwork.

Why just yesterday, in the midnight hour, she yelled: mow! mow! mow!

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

What does a ghost do when it gets upset?

Loses its sheet!

My wife is upset our young next door neighbor sunbathes topless.

Personally, I am on the fence.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. They were upset for no reason.

Especially my wife.

Why was the teenage crustacean upset?

He couldn't find a date for his high school prawn.

Why were the two melons upset about Covid-19?

Because now they cantaloupe.

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...

...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...

Do you think Jesus was upset about being crucified?

I heard he was pretty cross about the whole thing.

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

I was upset when my AMD CPU died but...

Everything happens for a Ryzen.

My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night

I guess she liked that cat

My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.

So what if she's a miner?

Don’t be upset about the road you’re on...

It’s your own asphalt

I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset.

But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.

Why was the knight so upset over losing his headgear?

Twas a great helm...

Why was god so upset with Jesus

He was always stoned

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

Don't upset your Postman

He knows where you live.

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