Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.

How do you upset a narcissist?

I really can’t tell you.

What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

UK?

I’m upset that my doppelgänger moved in next door.

I’m beside myself about it.

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

Billy Idol’s wife gets very upset when he’s behind on the yardwork.

Why just yesterday, in the midnight hour, she yelled: mow! mow! mow!

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My girlfriend knew she'd upset me during an argument this morning by calling me immature and naive, so she's promised to make it up to me tonight with a blowjob.

Whatever that is.

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

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Why was the vampire upset after having sex?

Premature adraculation.

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

My friend was obviously upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She said they lost her brother last night.

Apparently, "Why aren't you out looking for him?" was not the reply she expected.

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

Why was the vegan comet upset?

As he entered the atmosphere he became a little meteor.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

Why was the priest upset with his new PS5

It didn’t support cross play

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

Why is Pence upset about plexiglass at the debate?

>!This administration is afraid of transparency.!<

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

The leper was upset at the expensive ambulance ride to the hospital

It cost him an arm and a leg

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. They were upset for no reason.

Especially my wife.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.

So what if she's a miner?

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Some people are upset that Profesional athletes get payed so much

But really it makes sense.

After a few years of training an athlete is playing professionally.

After more than a decade of work and education most doctors are still practicing.

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Why was the Eunuch Hoarder upset?

Because they removed his junk

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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Why wasn't Samantha upset about York changing to Sargent?

I guess she was just happy getting new Dick.

*sees my way out*

A Trump supporter was upset...

...about having ordered custom "Trump 2020-2024" merchandise from China and now not being able to get a refund. "I just can't accept that I have to kiss my 10 yuan goodbye." I nodded sympathetically but advised him that he'll just have to accept bye ten yuan.

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Why are people upset Ted went to Cancun?

I’m just mad they let him come back

My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage.

I just didn't want him to get bored over there.

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

I told my parents that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for work, and they seemed really upset.

My dad said, “I don’t like your latitude.”

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

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Nursing Home Sex

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each other’s company. After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but...

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

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last night I was setting up a password for an account on something

I entered in "my dick", at first I thought the password was ok but then the website told me to try something longer. at this moment I wasn't upset I just wanted to know how they knew.

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A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits

So he went up to the school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him", she suggested. That afternoon after school she asked the
boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into....

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

Why was Snape so upset when Lily Potter was wrongfully terminated?

She was never able to receive her Severus package.

My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty

I don’t understand

He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face

They say to upset a blind man, leave the plunger in the toilet...

But I think you'd frustrate him more by putting door handles all over the wall.

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

Why were the two melons upset about Covid-19?

Because now they cantaloupe.

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Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

Why was the frog upset when he got back to the swamp?

His lily pad was Toad.

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

Don’t be upset about the road you’re on...

It’s your own asphalt

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My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

Why was Blitzen so upset with his wife?

She snuck off to Vegas for the weekend and blew 1000 bucks

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I was enjoying my trip to the glory hole until I heard a man moan from the other side of the wall...

I was pretty upset when I found out I was sucking a dudes cock the whole time.

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

My wife is really upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed down my stuff, and right.

Why was the knight so upset over losing his headgear?

Twas a great helm...

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

My friend is kind of upset about which video game system to get.

Nobody can console him.

How did I know the theatre was upset?

It was in tiers.

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

Why was the student upset when his teacher called him average?

It’s a pretty mean thing to say!

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

Never upset a pediatrician.

They have very little patients.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night

I guess she liked that cat

My son was really upset.

I tried everything to cheer him up. I have him a Nintendo switch, an xbox, a PlayStation. But nothing worked. He was unconsolable.

What does a ghost do when it gets upset?

Loses its sheet!

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

A woman in my office died.

A woman in my office died.

It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.

Some people got upset and I was like
‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut

I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car.

A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says,

"These are my khakis"

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

A guy buys a new ferrari

he takes it out to drive, and the next day comes back to the dealership with a broken gearbox

the dealer says that the insurance covers it so they get it fixed and he goes back out

the next day the gearbox breaks again, and the dealer once again says no problem and gets it fixed. the g...

My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau...

...but that’s the highest form of flattery.

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral.

"You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

I remember when I found out that I was a mute.

I was upset to say the least.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

Son comes to his father, telling him his gf is pregnant.

And it will take $300 to take care of it. Father is unhappy but pays up. Couple of months later his other son comes to him with same story. Father, again upset, pays up again. Couple of months later his daughter comes to him telling him she's pregnant. "Finally!" exclaims the father, "now we'll get ...

A Wife's diary......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I sugges...

To all the people who are upset at the fact that confederate statues are coming down, don’t worry.

You may have lost the battle, but you have won the....never mind.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

People are getting upset about the implications of a "cashless society".

I'm not sure what they're worried about I've been cashless for years.

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

If a Scottish person got just a little upset every time he was mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...wouldn't that still make him ire-ish?

(This was my first joke I wrote a few years ago. It's bad, but I wanted to post it as a cake day commemoration. And then never tell it again :D)

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

What did the sea say to the shore that it got upset ?

You're my beach!

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit….

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told...

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but he got upset due to the image being too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

I can't wait to see the dim bulbs who are upset they have to wear a mask to prevent corona when...

...they find out what they have to wear to prevent the clap.

In my line of work, I manage to upset people on both sides of the aisle.

So yeah, I might not be the best wedding planner.

Duck upsets Bartender

A Duck walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “No, sorry. I don’t have bread.”
Duck walks out of the bar.
The next day, the Duck walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “Ugh, no, I...

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset.

She claims he won’t tater anywhere.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

Do you think Jesus was upset about being crucified?

I heard he was pretty cross about the whole thing.

I'm not upset that my wife divorced me because I couldn't satisfy her in bed.

There were no hard feelings.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

I don't understand why everyone is upset about the Russian vaccine nothaving a thirdclinical trial.

I was under the impression that giving it to millions of Russian citizens is the trial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

Today, someone knocked on my door.

Today, someone knocked on my door. I opened the door and a visibly upset person was standing at my door. They said "Do you have a cat, I was driving down the street and a cat ran out in front of me. I tried to avoid hitting it but was unable."

I replied that yes, I did have a cat and asked...

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying.......

.......and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her x-ray, I said don't speak to him just walk away.......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

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