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My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

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What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord?

My Ass MRAHH

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child?

...A-flat minor

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

”I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying.”-Steven Wright

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

What is the holiest chord to play?

The G sus although most priests prefer A minor

TIL Christian bands have a favourite chord.

G sus

Stevie Wonder was doing a concert, and towards the end decided to play some requests.

A man called out, "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie played a short riff, but the man insisted: "No, no, play a jazz chord."

So Stevie played a longer riff: "No, no," said the man, "play a jazz chord."

Stevie tried again and again, until he was playing chords he'd never played in his life,...

What chord must you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B-minor.


I will see myself out.

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

What happened to the chord who violated school rules?

It was suspended!

How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord?

The leash goes slack...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names!

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?

Because he was Aminor

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My physics teacher is the chord slope of an a-t curve

The average jerk

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

Why can’t jazz musicians be trusted?

Because they always play sus chords.

Took my guitar to an open mic night at a bar. Yea, it sucked cuz they made me play one less chord.

Guess one of 'em was a minor.

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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

The biologist

A biologist races into a bar in a celebratory mood. "I've done it!" he shouts to the bartender. "I've engineered immortal frogs!" "How's that?" asks the bartender. "I removed their vocal chords. They can't croak!"

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

Music Joke

A C chord and an A chord walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the C chord "I'm sorry, I can't serve your friend; even though he's your relative, he's still a minor."

An American and a Canadian go skydiving

An American and a Canadian go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:

"When the light above the door turns green, you can jump."

The Canadian (who is a major stutterer) asks:

"w-w-w-w...

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

The two pianists had a good marriage...

...They always were in a chord.

A skydiver jumps out of a plane...

He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydive...

What did the guitarist say to the magician...

Pick a chord, any chord.

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Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor (nsfw)

He has had a stutter since he was 12.

"D-d-d-doctor help me."

He gets an exam and the doctor tells him his penis is so large, the weight pulls on his vocal chords. After a brief discussion they decide a reduction is in order.

Mr Johnson says "th-th-th-thank you doctor."

...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Why couldn’t the backbone play the piano?

He only knew the spinal chord

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

Three chords and a lie

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A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.

As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.

He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.

He m...

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🇨🇦 Man goes to doctor,,, says dddddoctor ppplease ffffix mmyy ssssttutering pppproblem.

Doc says ok we’re running some tests
Thththaanx dddoc
Doc comes back in and says, we found the problem, your dicks too long and it’s pulling on your intestines which is pulling vocal chords, causing you to stutter- the solution is to take 6” out of the middle of your penis!
Ggggeeee dddoc i...

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A man went to see a doctor about his stutter...

"Y-you gotta he-help me doc, I c-c-can't live li-like this an-any more!"

The doctor says, "not to worry, we'll do a full body examination and get to the bottom of this."

After the examination, he tells the man, "I've found the cause of the problem. You see, your penis is so large that ...

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