My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

What was Michael Jackson's favorite chord?

A minor

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

What chord does a piano play when it falls on a child

A flat minor

What’s God’s favourite chord?

Gsus

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What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

What is the holiest chord to play?

The G sus although most priests prefer A minor

What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?

G sus.

”I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying.”-Steven Wright

What chord must you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B-minor.


I will see myself out.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names!

TIL Christian bands have a favourite chord.

G sus

Why do babies miss their umbilical chords?

Because they grew attached to them.

What happened to the chord who violated school rules?

It was suspended!

What is a musicians favorite car?

Honda A Chord

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord?

The leash goes slack...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Took my guitar to an open mic night at a bar. Yea, it sucked cuz they made me play one less chord.

Guess one of 'em was a minor.

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My physics teacher is the chord slope of an a-t curve

The average jerk

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people,and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?

Because he was Aminor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor (nsfw)

He has had a stutter since he was 12.

"D-d-d-doctor help me."

He gets an exam and the doctor tells him his penis is so large, the weight pulls on his vocal chords. After a brief discussion they decide a reduction is in order.

Mr Johnson says "th-th-th-thank you doctor."

...

An American and a Canadian go skydiving

An American and a Canadian go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:

"When the light above the door turns green, you can jump."

The Canadian (who is a major stutterer) asks:

"w-w-w-w...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

I made up a dad-style musician joke:

Q. What is Donald Trump's least favorite guitar chord?

A. G7

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

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A stuttering man

So one man decided to go to the doctors one day for his horrible stuttering problem he had since puberty. He goes into the office and gets checked out by the doctor, the doctor says, "I know whats wrong, your penis is so big its pulling on your vocal chords making you stutter." So the man and doctor...

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🇨🇦 Man goes to doctor,,, says dddddoctor ppplease ffffix mmyy ssssttutering pppproblem.

Doc says ok we’re running some tests
Thththaanx dddoc
Doc comes back in and says, we found the problem, your dicks too long and it’s pulling on your intestines which is pulling vocal chords, causing you to stutter- the solution is to take 6” out of the middle of your penis!
Ggggeeee dddoc i...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

One day, DJ Khalid’s son found a magical lamp...

One day, DJ Khaled’s son stumbled upon a magical lamp. After rubbing it, a mystical genie poured out of the stem and asked for boy what he wanted for his wishes. Knowing his father’s great love of music, the boy wished to become a keyboard, something Khaled enjoyed using for his music. “Granted”, sa...

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

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A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”

The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to see a doctor about his stutter...

"Y-you gotta he-help me doc, I c-c-can't live li-like this an-any more!"

The doctor says, "not to worry, we'll do a full body examination and get to the bottom of this."

After the examination, he tells the man, "I've found the cause of the problem. You see, your penis is so large that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fine conductor.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piece...

The two pianists had a good marriage...

...They always were in a chord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

I was in a small city in Israel...

and I met this gorgeous woman. Truly beautiful. We had a crazy night of drinking, and passion, and maybe even love, but she was gone in the morning, and I had to go back home. I couldn't even remember her name, only the translation she'd given me into English. "A length of time." It was a dumb thing...

(OC) Once, back the days of dragons...

Once back in the days of knights and dragons there was a mountain to which people would travel from leagues around.

At the summit of this mountain was a magic cradle which would heal the illness of any child placed in it, but only if the child's parent would then roll up into a ball and tumbl...

Some musician related jokes

Why can't a clarinet player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start talking dirty, his voice cracks.

Why can't a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.

What do you call a euphonium player who isn't part of a military band?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.

As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.

He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.

He m...

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