What did the necklace say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll hang around.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

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Confucius say. . .

. . . anal beads make crappy necklace.

The girl stuck in the necklace didn’t want any help

She was independent

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"I bought a necklace and a dildo for my wife's birthday" A man tells his friend...

"What did you buy her the dildo for ?" His friend asks.


"So if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

I put my vape on a necklace

Juulery

My wife has a picture of me in her necklace.

I always wanted to be more in da pendant.

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace.

Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.

What do you call a necklace on a serial killer?

An accessory to murder.

I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace

Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman

I bought a 24K gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on, my skin started turning blue and that's when I suspected it was fake...

Turns out it was a bracelet...

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So it turns out there actually is a difference between necklace beads and anal beads.

Flavor.

I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"

so I bought her nothing

Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

So they know where to stop shaving

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite necklace is the food chain

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and buys an expensive necklace.

One Friday, a boy takes a super hot girl to a jewellery shop and picks a diamond necklace worth $100000 for her.

The girl obviously felt awesome. Boy gave a check and said he will collect the necklace on Monday after the check clears.

On Monday the jeweler calls the boy: "There is no ...

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

If you made a wall hanging out of cheap necklaces bought from the merch tables at small, underground rock concerts...

Would you have a Decoration of Indie Pendants?

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. T...

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"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...

Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Lady 2: Ooo pretty

Lady 3: Well isn't that nice

Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

La...

A man in is a golf course locker room when...

He hears a cell phone ringing and picks it up

"Hi Honey how was golfing?"

"Good. How is your day going?"

"Good. I was wondering if I could buy this necklace for $250 is that okay?"

"Of course! Put it on my card."

"Since you're in such a good mood, can we get the ne...

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Three kids are talking about the gift they’re going to give their mom for Mother’s Day.

The first one say: I bought her a necklace and a scarf. So if she doesn’t like the necklace she can put on the scarf.

The second kid say: I’m going to give her a ring and gloves. So if she doesn’t like the ring she can always put on the gloves.

The third one say: I’m giving her earring...

My friend has a Thai girlfriend who is so generous

she gave him a pearl necklace.

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A woman walks into a fancy and very expensive jewellery store.

She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. Curious, she walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to take a closer look, she accidentally and unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously and hopes that no one noticed or heard her little accident....

What did the watch say when the necklace, earrings, purse and ring killed the shoes?

I won't be an accessory to this.

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

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A woman bent down

....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that.
A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the win...

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

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A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful o...

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A Scottish joke

An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be foundlocally, the call went out around the world.

F...

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An anti-semitic man walks into a bar.

In the corner of the bar, there is a man who is wearing a golden necklace with a Jewish Star, which the man takes notice of.



He says, "I hate all goddamn jews. I'm going to buy a drink for everyone in this bar, except for that jew in the corner there."



Everyone cheers, ...

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

Four rich men are sitting in a car on the way to a conference party...

They are talking about the wealth they pocessed. The Mexican removes his golden rings from his hands and throws them out of the window. "I have a bunch of them already, doesn't hurt to get rid some of them." says the Mexican.


The Indian then takes off his golden bracelets and throws them...

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A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.

The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.

"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What di...

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Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pa...

A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her...

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.

The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.

And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhon...

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A Rich Man and a Poor Man sit down at a bar...

“What’s in the box?” asks the Poor Man.
“A diamond necklace!” exclaimed the Rich Man, “a gift for my wife of 25 years.”
“Hey, I’m celebrating my 25th anniversary too”, says the Poor Man.
“Oh really, so what’d you get her?” asks the Rich Man.
“A pair of slippers”, he replied.
“Ve...

A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them f...

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A girl comes home to her mother

She walks up to her and says "Mom, a creep in the park today asked me to give him a blowjob for this beautiful necklace!"

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A rich man and poor man are at a bar.

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.'

The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?'

The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a...

A young lady, her mother and het grandmother are traveling in a horse wagon in medieval England...

Suddenly, a handsome man jumps out of a bush next to the road and exclaims: “Stop the wagon! I am a robber, and you must all get out of the carriage now!”

The young lady leaves the carriage, followed by her mother, who, through her tears, asks: “does grandma have to get out as well?”, to whic...

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A woman goes home for lunch

And is surprised to find her husband at home.

She goes up to him and says, "Take off my necklace."

Any he takes off her necklace.

"Take off my blouse."

And he unbuttons and removes her blouse.

"Take off my skirt."

And he unzips and removes her skirt.

...

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will ...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, an...

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Three Scientists

Three scientists, a German, an Iranian, and an American, go to the Amazon rainforest to study plants. They parachute into middle of the rainforest and almost immediately get caught by a tribe of rainforest cannibals. The cannibals take the scientists to their leader and he tells them," we're going t...

"I'm independent"

Said the Jamaican, showing me his initialised necklace.

People in England must be really strong

I knew a British guy that said his necklace was 100 pounds, but he talked about it like it was nothing.

I'm fortunate to have met a beautiful woman from Mississippi who had all of her teeth.

All of them are on her necklace.

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NSFW Christmas Joke

A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other in a local barber shop. The poor man asks the rich man, "what did you get your wife for Christmas?" The rich man replies "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes." The poor man asks "is there a reason you got her both the necklace and the ...

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A Jews mother dies...

And he decides to send her back to Israel, per her will, to be buried. So he sends the coffin back with a letter atop the casket. His brother opens it and it reads:

Dear brother,

Ima died and wants to be laid to rest here. Please follow her request and bury her here. Also, I have sen...

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Mmmm, that's nice.

Two little old ladies in the South were sitting on the porch sipping mint juleps one day. Betty Lou had come to visit Mary Jean for lunch at her beautiful country estate.

Mary Jean said to Betty Lou, "Oh Betty Lou, I'm just so pleased with mah adorin husbind - he went and bought us this beaaa...

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A lady walks into a jeweler...

A lady walks into a jeweler and spots a lovely diamond necklace. She bends over to take a closer look and lets out a very loud fart. The lady was very embarrassed but when she looked around, there was no one there but the manager.

The manager came over to the lady and asked "Can I help you wi...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

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"A rich guy and a poor guy start talking in a bar"

After a few drinks they realize their wedding anniversaries are on the same day. The poor guy turns to the rich guy and says. "Well what did you get your wife?" The rich man proudly states "I got her a diamond necklace and a new Mercedes Benz, if she doesn't like the necklace she can take it back in...

AIRPLANE FASHION

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her.
She asked him, "Were you admiring my airplane?"
He replied, "No, I was admiring the landing field."

A blonde, a brunette, and a Redhead are all in a bar

The bartender goes up to them and says "Hey ladies, I can grant you a wish if you can tell me one true statement."
"However if you lie to me, you will disappear.
Skeptical, the redhead goes up first and says
"Okay, then I think I am the prettiest one in this room."
The bartender says <...

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What is Batman's least favorite Sex Act?

The Pearl Necklace.

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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In case she doesn't like her gift

3 High school friends are at a reunion.

Lawyer: For my wife's birthday this year I got her a pair of diamond earrings and two tickets to the Bahamas! If she doesn't like the earrings, she will definitely enjoy the holiday!

Surgeon: I bought my Wife a pearl necklace and a new convertibl...

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Country Club Women (slightly nsfw)

Four women are sitting around the table at their very prestigious country club drinking wine and talking about how wealthy they are and how much money their husbands make.

The first lady says: Well my husband loves me so much he took me on a 2 week cruise in Europe.

All the ladies nod...

A long time ago in a ghetto far far away...

...Yoda was walking down the street, wearing a ton of bling. Necklaces, bracelets, gold teeth, the works. A passer-by stops him and says, "Wow, Yoda, that's a ton of bling!"

Yoda replied, "For show, mine is all."

A pagan tribesman accidentally walks into a Christian priest, who clasps the cross around his neck with trembling hands and screams "Dear God!"

Also frightened, the tribesman clasps his ritual bone-necklace, screaming "Deer God!"

Pricey set of teeth

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"

"Of course not...

An ex-con goes out on a date...

So an ex-con is walking around the mall with his girlfriend after dinner, when they happen across a Jewelry store. The girlfriend eyes one of the necklaces on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a necklace like that around my neck!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the wind...

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The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the ...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore

so I bought her a life alert necklace

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