Wand Jokes - 34 Hilarious Wand Jokes

A married couple

Married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. N...

What's the difference between a wizard's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for...

... apprehending criminals.

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The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

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Harry Potter and the secret of Riddle

"He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

tom marvolo riddle

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

Mr. Tom, a Lover

"wait, , no," said Riddle."

As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand

Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School

What do you call a wizard with a feather wand?

A plumage.

I just found the Wand of Transfiguration!

This changes everything!

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

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Who are the most homo- pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection.

Did you hear about the Spanish magician?

He would wave his magic wand and count "Uno, Dos-"

And **, he'd disappear without a *tres*.

What's a Hogwarts student's favourite boy band? []

Wand Erection.

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

An Awful Joke I Heard as a Kid.

A bunch of boys knock on a door and when a woman answers they ask her, "Can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?"

The woman says, "You boys know Johnny doesn't have any arms and legs."

"We know," they say, "we just wand to use him for second base."

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Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish.

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish. She thought about it for quite awhile then looking down at her faithful cat Tom, she asked the genie to transform the pet into a handsome prince who would love her...

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner.

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared.

The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their sleeves, and told the audience that the cards were up his sle...

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

Two wizards were having an argument.

One of them was saying that magic is produced by the person casting the spell. The other argued that it is drawn out of the air around them and the spell-caster simply acts as a focal point for the magic. They decided to seek some help.

The two wizards set off to visit Drahn the Wise, who was...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him. God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish. Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long...

"Bot Rule" has extended past reddit, and taken over the muggle and wizarding worlds

Giant posters all over the country let everyone know that the population is now under *Bot Rule*.

Any opposition to *Bot Rule* is met with swift punishment

Sickened, Harry Potter waves his wand at the nearest poster, rearranging the letters of the twisted sign.

"This spell's tro...

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

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A newly made fairy godmother is walking through the forest...

when she hears the sound of crying. She follows the sound and discovers a yellow frog. "Why are you crying?" she asks the frog. "Look at me," he responds, "I'm yellow all over. The other frogs laugh at me and I just can't take it anymore."

"Well," says the fairy godmother, "I just happen...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

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Inner Peace

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. We all could use more calm in our lives and to achieve this we should always finish things we start. We looked through our house to find things we’d started and hadn’t finished, so finished of...

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The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,

"Bgah! Why are you hiding tha...

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

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So a winged magical fairy visits Rome ....

The fairy flies around a bit among the tourists before stopping in front of two classical and gorgeous greek statues placed beside each other - one being a scantily clad and muscled Apollo and the other beautiful and Aphrodite, the goddess of love and .

The fairy looks on these two b...

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