UPJOKE
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Filter Jokes

How do you filter out dumb girls on Tinder?

Say you're 5 foot 12

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

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I was rolling a cigarette when a guy came up to me and asked me " Do you have a filter?"

"Well, my fat cunt of a wife says i really need to get one", i replied.

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed

Apparently it's grounds for a divorce

A Fox and a Bear got bored one day…

Fox: Bear, I'm bored.

Bear: Yeah, me too.

Fox: I've got an idea! We beat up the hare!

Bear: Yeah, great idea!

Fox: But we can't beat him up for nothing, we need
reason... I've got it: If he wears a cap, we tell him 'You have a stupid cap', and if he has no cap, we ...

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

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No filter for me

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
...

I gave up cleaning the dryer filter...

...for lent.

TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

I changed all of the filters in my house today.

The difference was really a breath of fresh air.

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

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Not a Joke: Can we please get a filter for political jokes?

I mean one or two a day is fine but this sub is quickly turning into /r/circlejerk. I certainly don't want to stop people from posting their jokes and I don't want to take them away from others who find them funny. But can we please get a simple filter so we don't have to see a top page full of "[...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

Went to r/Jokes and set the filter to 'new posts.'

Stared at a blank page for 20 minutes before I realized it had finished loading 20 minutes ago.

*I have to assume this joke wouldn't have shown up either.*

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i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn...

but I can't work out the kinks

I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.

It was grounds for dismissal.

So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter.

All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one.

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Google is now filtering out Holocaust denier websites from searches

Now we will nazi those results.

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

Bono heated and cooled his vodka over and over, filtering it to try and get the perfect taste...

But distill hasn't found what he's looking for.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

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A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

Did you know google maps can work backwards?

But it always gets caught in the spam filter!

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Ever since masks became mandatory...

...I only drink *filtered* coffee.

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

Two Lions Hiding in a Bush

They see a rabbit. So the one lion says:

"You see that rabbit. When he gets here I'm going to ask him where his hat is. Then when he can't tell me, we can beat the heck out of him."



So the rabbit approaches the bush and the lions jump out and the one lion says "Hey rabbit wh...

Milkman shenanigans

Customer: Are you sure this milk is pure?
Milkman: Yes, because every drop of water I mixed in it was filtered!!

Yo momma is so old

The snap chat baby filter makes her look 40!

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How effective is your facemask

You can test how effective your facemask is at home. Go to the bathroom and take a shit. Then put on your facemask and try to smell. If you can smell it, then you just proved your facemask doesn't filter shit.

Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.

They could call them coughy filters.

He who laughs last

Probably didn't filter by new.

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I like my coffee like I like my reddit jokes.

Not through a filter so the same shit keeps floating to the top.

Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

Little Johnny discovers a lamp when cleaning Dave's house

It was quite dusty so little johnny decided to give it a rub.


Poof! Emerged the genie.


Genie: My child. You have ended my sorrow. I give you one wish.

Johnny: I want a space elevator.

Genie: I would love to grant that but infact its too much work even for me.
<...

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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A couple of Old Ladys are sitting outside of their retirement home, smoking cigarettes

when it suddenly starts to rain, just a light drizzle, nothing too heavy.

The first old lady pulls out her little umbrella and awkwardly holds it up abover her as she puffs away on her cigarette.

The second old lady pulls out a condom, tears a hole at the tip with her teeth and procee...

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

I found out why no new posts were showing up on r/jokes today

Apparently they were just testing what happens when they set automod to filter out reposts.

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Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

Hey girl, are you a sieve?

'Cause you've been filtering out all my messages.

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Blonde took her car to the mechanic...

She tells him it's not running well. Later he calls to say it's all set, come get it.

"What was wrong with it?" she asks.

"Nothing really, just shit in the air filter."

"Oh. Huh. How often do I hafta do that?"

I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit..

Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(

An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.

The nurse comes out of the opperating room as says "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "

The old man stands up excitedly and takes off his hat exposing his silver hair. He says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the r...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

Our grandchildren in 2060

"Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"


I really hate that filter.

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."

Macleod nodded so...

A start-up company was deciding over something to manufacture

Something local that wouldn’t cost much.
They figured filtered water would fit this category.

After running it through all the bodies of the company, they decided on making bread. The water market was oversaturated.

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Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Two Irishmen, who were the best of friends, made a pact.

Two Irishmen, Seamus and Paddy, who were the best of friends, made a pact that when one died the other would pour a bottle of fine, aged, Irish whiskey over the grave of his deceased friend. The years went by and eventually Seamus passed away.

As promised, Paddy purchased a bottle of fine Ir...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

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Advices?

Hey guys so since couple of weeks I think that my girlfriend is cheating on me. So last night I followed her. She took a cab I took my car and followed her till the cab stopped in front of one nice house. I went beside my car and crouched. She went out and there was this sport dressed bastard which ...

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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.

I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.

Adblocking software

So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work.

The first one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones.”

The next one says “my new system blocks ads, and wit...

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

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One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

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The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

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The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

Heaven is getting full

This is my favorite joke. Its a little long but I think it's worth it.

One day God realized heaven was getting pretty full so he went St. Peter at the gates and said, "Hey, so it's getting kind of full in here so you're gonna need to start filtering who gets in or not by only letting in those...

An old man marries his young girlfriend...

...and naturally everyone is skeptical about the legitimacy of this relationship. He's wrinkled and arthritic, and she's a hot young blond barely into her 20's.

His brother asks, "How can you keep up with her in the bedroom?"

He puffs out his skinny old-man chest and says "My skin m...

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