1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

I made a filter plug-in that removes reposts from /r/Jokes

But I don't think it's working properly because I don't see any jokes now

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

How do you filter out dumb girls on Tinder?

Say you're 5 foot 12

Went to r/Jokes and set the filter to 'new posts.'

Stared at a blank page for 20 minutes before I realized it had finished loading 20 minutes ago.

*I have to assume this joke wouldn't have shown up either.*

I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.

It was grounds for dismissal.

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

I spent some time yesterday pondering whether I was actually a small strainer used to filter out ink-based writing objects.

You could say I was a little pen-sieve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not a Joke: Can we please get a filter for political jokes?

I mean one or two a day is fine but this sub is quickly turning into /r/circlejerk. I certainly don't want to stop people from posting their jokes and I don't want to take them away from others who find them funny. But can we please get a simple filter so we don't have to see a top page full of "[...

So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter.

All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one.

TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

Triple Filter Test!!!

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem.

One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pa...

Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe?

So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.

He who laughs last

Probably didn't filter by new.

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

Yo momma is so old

The snap chat baby filter makes her look 40!

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest goes the mechanic....

He tells the mechanic "hey,I just brought in my car last week ,and since you guys worked on it it's been leaking all over the garage .the mechanic says "my apologies father.come back tomorrow we'll have it tip top for you."
The priest returns the next day and asks,"well, how is it?".
The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The long troubles of Nelson Mandela (LONG)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by an Asian man clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" while pointing at a truckful of car exhausts. Mr Mandela says, "I believe you have the wrong address" and shuts the door. T...

Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.

The nurse comes out of the opperating room as says "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "

The old man stands up excitedly and takes off his hat exposing his silver hair. He says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the r...

Little Johnny discovers a lamp when cleaning Dave's house

It was quite dusty so little johnny decided to give it a rub.


Poof! Emerged the genie.


Genie: My child. You have ended my sorrow. I give you one wish.

Johnny: I want a space elevator.

Genie: I would love to grant that but infact its too much work even for me.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my coffee like I like my reddit jokes.

Not through a filter so the same shit keeps floating to the top.

Macduff was on his deathbed.

He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."

Macleod nodded so...

I found out why no new posts were showing up on r/jokes today

Apparently they were just testing what happens when they set automod to filter out reposts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde took her car to the mechanic...

She tells him it's not running well. Later he calls to say it's all set, come get it.

"What was wrong with it?" she asks.

"Nothing really, just shit in the air filter."

"Oh. Huh. How often do I hafta do that?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online Dating

Ok so there's this girl and her friend talking about their dating lives.

Girl 1: "Oh my god, I am just so sick and tired of the dating scene! I swear there are no good guys left in this world. I give up."

Girl 2: "You know what your problem is? You're going about this all wrong. Stop ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Advices?

Hey guys so since couple of weeks I think that my girlfriend is cheating on me. So last night I followed her. She took a cab I took my car and followed her till the cab stopped in front of one nice house. I went beside my car and crouched. She went out and there was this sport dressed bastard which ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

Our grandchildren in 2060

"Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"


I really hate that filter.

Adblocking software

So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work.

The first one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones.”

The next one says “my new system blocks ads, and wit...

I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit..

Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robert is heart broken

Robert recently broke up with his long term girlfriend and became extremely depressed and decided to go out for a drink.

As he walks into bar and orders a drink, he notices a man slouched in the corner booth a thin, pale, nerdy looking fellow with a hot blonde bombshell of a woman.

Rob...

Heaven is getting full

This is my favorite joke. Its a little long but I think it's worth it.

One day God realized heaven was getting pretty full so he went St. Peter at the gates and said, "Hey, so it's getting kind of full in here so you're gonna need to start filtering who gets in or not by only letting in those...

An old man marries his young girlfriend...

...and naturally everyone is skeptical about the legitimacy of this relationship. He's wrinkled and arthritic, and she's a hot young blond barely into her 20's.

His brother asks, "How can you keep up with her in the bedroom?"

He puffs out his skinny old-man chest and says "My skin m...

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