As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

What do you call an Apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code

What do you call a serious of dots and dashes that Vikings used to communicate with?

Norse Code

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...

I know where to draw the line...

Not all the animaniacs live in the water tower, just the Warner Brothers and the Warner Sister, Dot.

Just for fun they run around the Warner movie lot. They lock them in the tower, whenever they get caught. But they break loose, and then vamoose, and now you know the plot.

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

As a kid, I connected all the dots on our Dalmatian.

Remarkably, it was a dog.

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

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As I'm roaming in London, a British man walks up to me and says: Hey, you're an Indian, tell me why do you put that dot above the eyes?

I sighed a bit and replied: It's stupid, isn't it? Well, it's called a "tittle" and it's one of those idiosyncrasies of the English language that I could never understand.

What is a yellow dot commanding soldiers?

A cornonel

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3 old man we’re chatting at the retirement home

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every mornin...

LONG : An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.



Looking at the shiny car ,the old man asks the doctor "What ya driving there sonny?

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche. It cost half a million dollars!


'Why does it cost so much?' Says the old man.


'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' state...

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I am a very meticulous ejaculator..

I always cross the tits and dot the eyes.

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

Period

“The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon li...

Yesterday I went in for my yearly dental exam.

I had forgotten my dentist had retired last year so I was a little surprised to see a new dentist waiting for me who, come to find out, had just graduated from dental school in russia. After exchanging greetings I sat down and he began his exam. As he was working I casually looked over at his wall d...

Why do aerolas have dots on them?

It's written "suck here" in braille

Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says...

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

20,000 Dots

“Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots,” my Art teacher said, “but I only see one.” “They’re on top of each other.” I explained.

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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What do you call an Indian Dating site?

Connect the Dots.



yeah idk don't judge i'm fucking bored

Apparently, if new dots on your arm don't fade under a glass tumbler, you should seek medical advice without thinking.

Which makes it easier for me, as I'm terrible at making rash decisions.

Maths teacher: What is line?

A genius answered : A line is a dot, going for a walk....

Road Kill

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on a highway this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT...

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Classroom

In a grade school classroom the teacher asked each of her students to come up to the chalk board and draw a picture of something that they talked about with their parents the night before.

The first little girl came up to the board and drew a cat. The teacher asked "what is that?" The little...

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A man wakes up to find a big red dot in the middle of his forehead...

and he goes to the doctor to get it checked out.

The doctor said "Oh yes, I've seen this before. You're going grow a penis where that dot is, right in the middle of your forehead."

The man was dumbfounded. "You mean I'm going to have to wake up every day, look in the mirror, and see ...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Knock - Knock

Whose there?

**Ya**

**Ya** who?

**Dot com**

bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead ...

What is a white supremacists favorite dating app?

Ancestry dot com

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

What does Pac Man do when he's not eating dots?

I don't know, probably just wakaround for a little while.

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín d...

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How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed.

In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says,
"Look up Watson, what do you see?"
Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beaut...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

Blonde speeding...

There was a Blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please" "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's ...

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Domino’s pizza has just opened a chain of VD clinics!

It’s for after you’ve had the hots with the box with the dots....

Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to ...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM.

On the dot.

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Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"


The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxa...

What's a blind person's favorite candy?

Dots

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