UPJOKE
shampooapplicationmoisturizergeldetergenttoiletrygelsgauzeblackwashointmentskinshampooscreamantisepticvaseline

Lotion Jokes

What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

Hand lotion!

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
<...

I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

LGBT has an official lotion.

Johnson & Johnson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards

He’s such a noitol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cum and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......

What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet

Moist-your-eyes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

Why do Republicans hate lotion?

Because the directions say to apply it liberally.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

What kind of lotion do bullfighters use?

Olay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living ...

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use?

Cirque d'Olay

My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion...

Because he must be ashy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the pandemic, I was using hand sanitizer at least five times a day.

But then my dick turned so red that I had to switch back to lotion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Ladies at the Beach

A man at the nude beach is checking his tan and realizes there's one part of him that isn't tanned. Yep, THAT part. So, he covers it liberally with suntan lotion and proceeds to bury himself in the sand leaving only his mouth, nose, and member exposed.

Two old ladies are walking down the pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three blondes walk into a super market...

Three blondes walk into a supermarket. There’s a very attractive man, fully naked, handing out chip samples. The first blonde walks over, gives him a hand job and returns to the group. “I got chips”, she says. The second blonde walks over and gives him a blowjob. She comes back and says “I got chips...

A lady brings her dog to the veterinarian due to itching.

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.
The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear panty hose for a few days”. The l...

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on?

Lotion

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

Home Remedies

Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer, my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!

...a customer enters a Pharmacy store, rubbing his hands together...

...the Pharmacist greets him and says: "welcome sir, you're here to get some hand lotion, I presume" and the customer goes:"what? No, I'm here to buy some "Cialis" or something, I'm having a threesome later tonight and I want it to last as long as possible". The guy buys the pills and goes...the nex...

I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."

"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.

He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin?

Evo-lotion.

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis.

doc asks the guy, “Any itching?”


“No.”

“Used any weird lotions or creams?”

“No.”

“Is this recent?”

“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”

“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
...

I got my girlfriend the perfect Valentine's Day present today.

Hand lotion.

Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected...

contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash?

Jergen's lotion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy is sunbathing nude......

as he has a very hot date later in the evening. He over sleeps and gets a terrible sunburn on his front side. He applies all of the lotion he can and heads off to the date. The couple has a great dinner and they head back to his place. The two are making out pretty heavy and she is grinding on his b...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored..

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored and decides to grab a slushie. Still bored and with business being slow he grabs a porno magazine and starts "reading" it.

Just then three elderly ladies come into the store. With his pants down and hand on his junk the clerk hurriedl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.