What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

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If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

What kind of lotion do bullfighters use?

Olay!

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I hate when my massage therapist smears the lotion counter-clockwise.

She really rubs me the wrong way.

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

What kind of sun tan lotion does Macklemore put on?

...SPF Thrifty.

My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion...

Because he must be ashy...

Why do Republicans hate lotion?

Because the directions say to apply it liberally.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

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Cum and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

A man returns home after a long day...

His wife asks him why he looks flushed.

"I was in a room, alone, and a man entered and promptly told me to take off my shirt. He began rubbing my shoulders with lotions. He leaned in real close and told me to take a deep breath. I hesitated, but he said I could trust him. Then he put all is w...

first joke I ever made

context: I couldnt talk, I was a baby but I had a great system of saying "I want to eat that", it looks like me gesturing towards said item



me: \*gesturing towards bottle of lotion\*

mom: \*starts going on about how its not food, (I couldnt talk but I could understand pretty we...

What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use?

Cirque d'Olay

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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People like paying extra to make things less bad

Take going to the gym. You still have to exercise no matter which one you go to, but people pay extra for jacuzzi tubs and fancy lotions that help distract you.

Or flying first class! Are you still stuck in a giant pressure tube? Of course! But at least you can stretch out and knock back a fe...

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

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A drunk Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis.

doc asks the guy, “Any itching?”


“No.”

“Used any weird lotions or creams?”

“No.”

“Is this recent?”

“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”

“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
...

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on?

Lotion

I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
<...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living ...

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

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A man with a really tiny penis seeks help

A friend suggests him to visit a guru. The guru is sitting on top of a rock and asks the man to climb it with the help of a rope hanging from it. The man climbs up and tells him about his problems.Guru gives him a lotion and asks him to apply it daily.

Rejoiced, the man exclaims "you must be...

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen


For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from re...

...a customer enters a Pharmacy store, rubbing his hands together...

...the Pharmacist greets him and says: "welcome sir, you're here to get some hand lotion, I presume" and the customer goes:"what? No, I'm here to buy some "Cialis" or something, I'm having a threesome later tonight and I want it to last as long as possible". The guy buys the pills and goes...the nex...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.

The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.

So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

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A priest is taking a bath

and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in...

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."

"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.

He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

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A little crude humor...

Tell me what you think.


So I have really bad dry skin on my hands right now. To make things worse, I work mostly in a cooler at the grocery store. My dermatologist told me to apply hand lotion everyday, and although it hasn't helped my hands much, my penis has never been smoother :)

What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin?

Evo-lotion.

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So a guy is sunbathing nude......

as he has a very hot date later in the evening. He over sleeps and gets a terrible sunburn on his front side. He applies all of the lotion he can and heads off to the date. The couple has a great dinner and they head back to his place. The two are making out pretty heavy and she is grinding on his b...

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A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored..

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored and decides to grab a slushie. Still bored and with business being slow he grabs a porno magazine and starts "reading" it.

Just then three elderly ladies come into the store. With his pants down and hand on his junk the clerk hurriedl...

What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash?

Jergen's lotion.

Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected...

contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.

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