What do you call someone who steals lotion?

A smooth criminal.

Some moisturising lotion takes as long as 60 seconds to be absorbed into your skin

Just let that sink in for a minute

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If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

What kind of lotion do bullfighters use?

Olay!

My lotion bottle says to use on areas of irritation

so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

I heard they recalled Steve irwin's sunblock lotion.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach?

Writers block.

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

Home Remedies

Between washing my hands so much and hand sanitizer, my hands have really started getting dried out. Quick tip for my fellow men: hand lotion can help. Yes, I too was shocked it had a dual purpose!

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I hate when my massage therapist smears the lotion counter-clockwise.

She really rubs me the wrong way.

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

Why do Republicans hate lotion?

Because the directions say to apply it liberally.

My Uncle works at a crematorium.For his birthday, I bought him a bottle of lotion...

Because he must be ashy...

What kind of sun tan lotion does Macklemore put on?

...SPF Thrifty.

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Cum and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......

Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the...

I just opened up my presents for Christmas Eve

Too bad I didn't get any lotion to have something to play with

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing

A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having trouble hearing. The vet says, "Your dog has really thick hair in her ears and it's impacting her hearing. I'll trim it today, but to prevent this from happening in the future, go to the pharmacy and get some Nair."

So the woman goes to the...

first joke I ever made

context: I couldnt talk, I was a baby but I had a great system of saying "I want to eat that", it looks like me gesturing towards said item



me: \*gesturing towards bottle of lotion\*

mom: \*starts going on about how its not food, (I couldnt talk but I could understand pretty we...

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

A man returns home after a long day...

His wife asks him why he looks flushed.

"I was in a room, alone, and a man entered and promptly told me to take off my shirt. He began rubbing my shoulders with lotions. He leaned in real close and told me to take a deep breath. I hesitated, but he said I could trust him. Then he put all is w...

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A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.

At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:

"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving ...

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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A drunk Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis.

doc asks the guy, “Any itching?”


“No.”

“Used any weird lotions or creams?”

“No.”

“Is this recent?”

“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”

“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

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A man with a really tiny penis seeks help

A friend suggests him to visit a guru. The guru is sitting on top of a rock and asks the man to climb it with the help of a rope hanging from it. The man climbs up and tells him about his problems.Guru gives him a lotion and asks him to apply it daily.

Rejoiced, the man exclaims "you must be...

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living ...

I Just spent a load of money and, made my valentine the happiest ever!

I'm glad I can post this here. Where's my lotion.

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen


For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on?

Lotion

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

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A man watches a nightmare scenario unfold on an airplane...

A man sitting on an airplane notices an extremely fat belligerent couple are the last people to board. They both squeeze down the aisles, smacking people in the head with their baggage and yelling at each other about their horror show of a marriage.

They both sit down on either side of a poor...

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

...a customer enters a Pharmacy store, rubbing his hands together...

...the Pharmacist greets him and says: "welcome sir, you're here to get some hand lotion, I presume" and the customer goes:"what? No, I'm here to buy some "Cialis" or something, I'm having a threesome later tonight and I want it to last as long as possible". The guy buys the pills and goes...the nex...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

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So a guy is sunbathing nude......

as he has a very hot date later in the evening. He over sleeps and gets a terrible sunburn on his front side. He applies all of the lotion he can and heads off to the date. The couple has a great dinner and they head back to his place. The two are making out pretty heavy and she is grinding on his b...

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A priest is taking a bath

and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in...

What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin?

Evo-lotion.

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

I was tanning on the beach with my son.

After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster."

"Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked.

He said, "No, you're just really ugly."

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A little crude humor...

Tell me what you think.


So I have really bad dry skin on my hands right now. To make things worse, I work mostly in a cooler at the grocery store. My dermatologist told me to apply hand lotion everyday, and although it hasn't helped my hands much, my penis has never been smoother :)

What's Helen Keller's favorite mouthwash?

Jergen's lotion.

Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected...

contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.

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A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored..

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored and decides to grab a slushie. Still bored and with business being slow he grabs a porno magazine and starts "reading" it.

Just then three elderly ladies come into the store. With his pants down and hand on his junk the clerk hurriedl...

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