Secret Service

A new recruit is assigned to the president's protection team. Trump and his family are crossing the white house lawn to board the helicopter when a deranged man jumps out from behind a tree with an automatic weapon. He is drawing down on the family and the new recruit rushes up and shouts at him "Mi...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

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A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion trapped in quicksand (nsfw)

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him with one of the words."

Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four...

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

Women 3 wishes

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.*

*The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.*

*The woman frees the frog, and the frog sa...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

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The fastest thing in the world

Four men go for a job interview.

The first one is called into the office, and the boss asks him a question: "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

The man thinks for a moment before answering, and finally says, "A thought!"

"Interesting answer," says the boss.

"Yeah, ...

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Chinese Punishments

So this explorer is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he lost, tired and hungry. He comes across a rather large house with multiple stories. Relieved he goes up and knocks on the door. An old chinese master opens it up.

"Please," said the explorer, "Can I have food and shelter for the night...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

North Korea

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!” Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. Pr...

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My favorite shaggy dog story to tell when I'm at the bar.

A fish is swimming out in a lake, when he sees a fly flitting around, 3 feet above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly comes down about 5 inches, I can eat it!", so he sits and waits.

A bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself, "When that fly comes down a few ...

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

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The Flash & Wonder Woman

The Flash was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, The Flash called Green Lanter...

the man with no arms.

there once was a man with no arms and his life dream was to ring bells.so one day he went down to his local church to talk to the priest,and they agreed that every Sunday he would climb the bell tower and ring the bell right before church.so comes next Sunday the man goes to the church and climbs th...

A Man Walks Into A Bar

He orders a Scotch from the guy behind the bar. The bar man watches him as he drinks it and then the man opens his suit jacket and looks in his inside pocket at something. He says to the bar man, " Same again...make it a double.."

He quickly downs it and again, he peeks into his pocket in hi...

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