Everyone who hates speeding tickets

Raise your right foot

You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

I was going up to my parents house doing like 90 mph on this country road and I got pulled over.
This cop, gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over and he's like "young lady I've been waiting for you all day"
So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry officer I got here as fast...

How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and...

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets.

Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

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So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

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Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always drive slower in school zones

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Speeding Ticket

A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I’ve been...

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

Speeding ticket

A man gets pulled over by a policeman.
Policeman: You were going 68 in a 50 zone, I will have to write you a ticket.
Man: Alright, just make the number a little cooler so we can laugh when the judge reads it.

[later in court]
Judge: How the flying Fri...

Speeding Ticket

A cop has pulled a man over for going 150 in a 60. Guy had a nice sports car and wanted to test it out, then tried to shake the cop when he saw he was being pulled over. As a lover of old sports cars, and being tired, the cop gave him an ultimatum.

"Look, it's the end of my shift. I'm read...

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The best way to get out of a speeding ticket.

A man is pulled over by a police officer for speeding on the highway. The officer approaches the car and the man lowers his window.

Cop: "Can I see your license sir?"

Driver: "Yeah I don't have one of those."

Cop: "You can't be driving without a license sir. Can I please have ...

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Which celebrity gets the most speeding tickets?

Kim Kar-dash-ian

THIS is the best way to beat a speeding ticket.

** *Most of you have probably seen this before, but its still a good one!* **

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...



Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the r...

The speeding ticket

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing e...

The Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.



“Is there a problem Officer?”



The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”



The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have on...

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A man is speeding down a country lane...

At one point the police stops him.

"I have to get you a speeding ticket!"

The man begs him to turn a blind eye ...

The policeman replies: "Look ... I really like riddles. If you know exactly how to answer this riddle, I won't get you a ticket!"

The man gets ready up and c...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

A scientist gets pulled over.

The policeman says “Sir, you ran a red light.” The scientist said “I could’ve sworn it was green.” The policeman says “Understandable.” And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding...

The cop is going over the whole routine, license and registration. He asks the man what he does for a living.

Guy: I’m an asshole stretcher.

Cop: excuse me, how do you do that?

Guy: you start with a finger, then work another one in till you have a whole hand in there. Then you...

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

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A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl ...

A chicken gives us eggs, a cow gives us beef. What does a pig give us?

A bloody speeding ticket

An old lady in a nursing home...

Was going up and down the corridor on her zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

"You were speeding just then madam," he says "could I have your driver's license?" She hands over her library card which he studies carefully, and hands it back to her with a ra...

Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to cont...

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An old man just fulfilled his lifelong dream.

It's Friday evening. An old man just fulfilled his lifelong dream and bought a Lamborghini.
Driving it on the highway for the first time, he ignores all the speed limits, and goes ~150 mph. In his side-view mirror he suddenly sees a police car approaching. Thinking "they're not gonna get me", h...

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Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Kim jong un were driving down the road...

Donald was driving , Barack was in the passenger seat ,and Kim Jong Un was riding in the back seat.

Trump was going 90 miles an hour in a 60 MPH zone.

Trump notices in the rear view mirror a cop was pulling them over.

“I’m gonna need to see your license and registration” said ...

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A man's friend bails him out of jail

"What'd you do, anyway?" asks the friend. "I made a lifelike replica of the president and threw it off the overpass onto the highway." "Oh shit, that's pretty serious. They charge you with causing a wreck?" "No but I'm on the hook for a hundred speeding tickets."

A man was driving home late one afternoon......

He was driving above the speed limit, when a police car suddenly came up in his rearview mirror sirens blaring. The man thought he would outpace it, so he pushed the accelerator to the floor and raced on. The two cars raced for some time, the speed rising to sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, then the ...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

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A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

How not to respond to a police officer

A police officer pulls over an elderly Jewish guy for speeding.
After insisting that he was within the speed limit for 15 minutes, the old man finally gave up.
While writing out the speeding ticket the officer sarcastically asked : "I was wondering what do you with the foreskin after you've be...

A guy is driving 90 mph down the highway...

...and he has a penguin in the front seat. A cop catches him speeding and pulls him over down the road. He approaches the car and notices the penguin in the car and asks, "What the hell is this!?" The driver replies, "Well, it's a penguin, officer!" The cop yells at him to take it to the zoo, writes...

A state trooper pulls a guy over...

He walks up to a car and flips his ticket book open. The guy says to the trooper "So do these speeding tickets help fund the State Trooper's Ball"? The trooper replies "State troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence, then the trooper closes his ticket book, tips his hat, and drives ...

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A lady speeding to work.

A lady is speeding to work down HWY 85, when she thinks to herself," there has to be a state trooper on that overpass up there." Sure enough there he was,so he put on the blue lights and pulled her over. He asks her," Ma'am, are you aware you were speeding? ". "Sir, I don't have time for this," sh...

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