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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

A cute stranger said I was "fine" today

It started when I accidentally bumped into her and when I apologized, she said "you're fine."

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will understand

I strongly believe women are like fine wine.

They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

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Man: I love my women like fine wine.

Woman: To enjoy them after dinner?

Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.

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On the brightside of all the shit going down, at least Derek Chauvin will do fine in prison.

He is really good at getting on his knees and staying there.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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I looked her up and down and said girl your looking fine

Then she pulled out a penis that was twice the size of mine

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

Good friends are like fine wine

That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honor her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

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Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.

Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

After eating fries covered in ketchup, I accidentally rubbed my eyes without washing my hands. Luckily, I'm able to see just fine.

You know what they say. Heinzsight is 20/20.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator

saying "This isn't working, goodbye"

I opened the refrigerator and it's working just fine.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

Flummoxed, I asked my wife, "Honey, the kids don't want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?" She shouted back from the other room, "That's fine. Just throw them out, dear!"

Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Fine, if Russia wants to keep Putin in office indefinitely,

Then Soviet

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN

But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!

They say my fine art degree is useless. But I'll have you know I doubled my income last year!!

Finding that quarter on the ground really helped.

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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

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People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Bitch.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

There’s a fine line between poverty and stupidity

And Trump wants to build a wall on it

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.

He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, “I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America”.

This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.

...

Dave and his girlfriend are at a party on a hot day.

It’s a good party, everyone is having fun. And eventually the catering comes in, and everyone starts lining up to get their food and drinks. Dave’s girlfriend is feeling a bit tired, so Dave offers to go up and get her a drink. She happily thanks him and asks for some lemonade just to quench her thi...

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

Have you heard the one about the man who got ticketed for blockading his local river?

It's a dam fine joke, if I do say so myself.

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A different man accepts a job in a village with no women

The first few months are fine, but Bob starts to feel urges.

After work one day he asked some of his new friends what they do when they get horny. They tell Bob there is a herd of sheep just over the hill. Bob is taken back. This has to be a joke right? You don't really do it with sheep?
<...

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A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

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Pink ping pong balls

Once upon a time there was a father and a son. It was the son’s tenth birthday and his father said,

“Son, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. Whatever you ask for your birthday, you shall receive.”

His son replied,

“Dad, all I want for my birthday is a pink ping ...

A father wanted to do "the talk" with his oldest son

Father: son get of this internet and come have a chat with me

Son: can't it wait am in the middle of something

Father: no come now

Son: fine but make it quick

After 40 minutes talk.....

Son: well if that's everything i will go back to my game

Father: wow i l...

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

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Three flies in a jar

There are 3 flies in a jar with the lid sealed

Fly 1,2, and 3 are flying around trying to find a way out.
Fly 3 comes up to fly 1 and asks “do you know how to get out of the jar?
Fly 1 says suck my dick and I’ll tell you how to get out.
Fly 3 says “no man I’m not doing that”
An...

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

An old man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in t...

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I’m fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

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A beautiful girl is like a fine wine.

But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough.

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

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Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

a boy is inside his parents bedroom

so a kid was in his parents bedroom and his mom comes home making out with a man who isn’t his dad. the kid then hides in his mothers closet. his mother hears the car pull up in the driveway and tells the man to get into the closet the kid says “man it’s dark in here” and the man says “shut up kid” ...

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3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, “I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It’s getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.”

The second guy says, “I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It’s getting more difficult even with fruits and veggie...

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public...

If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime.

I'll see myself out.

My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home

So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

The man who was always cold

Old Arab joke, hope it translates well

There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering.
He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciati...

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Judge : I order you to pay £10,000

MARIO : why

Judge : it’s a fine

MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The...

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

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I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

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New bordello opened

New bordello opened. They will make every sexual wish come true, but if client can't pay, they will ask a butcher from neighboring meat shop to cut part of your body.

So, one day came russian oligarch. He fucked everyone in the bordello. Female prostitutes, male prostitutes, barman, barmaid a...

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A yamen jew is sitting the the living room and his kids starts complaining

Dadd... I'm hot!

ok my child sit next to the air conditioner

a few moments pass and the child complains again...

Daaaad! I'm still hot!

Ok ok my child, sit closer to the air conditioner



after a few seconds the child complains again.

Daaad! Daad! I am...

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A man is speeding down a country lane...

At one point the police stops him.

"I have to get you a speeding ticket!"

The man begs him to turn a blind eye ...

The policeman replies: "Look ... I really like riddles. If you know exactly how to answer this riddle, I won't get you a ticket!"

The man gets ready up and c...

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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.

During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets u...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

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Are my testicles black? (First post but let me know if it is a repost)

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Emba...

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A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

A Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a 40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control set at 65; perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from the afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't even have cruise contr...

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Wife is in a coma

Steve's wife falls in to a coma and after 2 years, he gets called in that there maybe a breakthrough.

At the hospital a nurse informs him that while giving her a sponge bath and reaching certain area there was new brain activity that started. The doctor then tell Steve if he was willing perha...

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine p...

A man orders three drinks

A man orders three drinks, all the same, all at once, and drinks them all.

"You know we got plenty" says the bartender "No need to let them all sit"

"Oh, you see, it's a tradition" says the man "Me and my two brothers used to go out to get drinks together. We've since gone our separat...

Me: "Officer, I'll now take off my mask."

Officer: "Fine for me."

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

A young man is finally about to leave for college

His things are all packed up and he is at the door.

"Father, i'm about to leave." He said.

"Son, im so proud of you. I wanted to give you a little gift before you go." His father said emotionally.

He reached out and hands him car keys.

"I want you to take the family car a...

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

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A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

A blond walks in to a electronics store

A blonde walks in to a electronics store looking for a new tv. She found one that seemed fine and found a employee. When she showed him the tv he said: Sorry ma’am, we don’t sell to blondes

The next day she came back wearing a brown wig and another employee that she wanted the tv. again. The...

My friend keeps beating kids in games

It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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