UPJOKE
okayfinelyfine-grainedokalrightall rightelegantwellticketexquisitelyexquisitesmallpowderedgooddelicately

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

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Redditors are like a fine wine...

Sitting alone untouched in the basement.

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

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My girlfriend says a 4" penis is just fine.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

(From another Irish tour guide:) Jameson's is a fine whiskey--

It makes you feel single and see double.

I can't understand how people are fine with eating hot dogs

I think they're just offal!

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodnes...

I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

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The SEC has fined two executives for having a threesome with a prostitute.

While such matters are usually out of their jurisdiction, this was a case of inside her trading.

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According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

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Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.

Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine.

No congestion for hours!

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel

me: how about a date? her: eww, no me: fine

*eats all the dates myself*

NSFW: There's a fine line between pleasure and pain.

I call it the cervix.

A Scotsman was fined...

A Scotsman was fined for indecent conduct at Edinburg on Friday. Witnesses said that the man continually wiped the sweat off his forehead with his kilt.

Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.

"Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?"

"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."

"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"

"Well, you never know. Somebody might."

Fine, I'll get of my high horse!

But you really should STOP giving the horses edibles, you know?

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

There's a fine line...

Between fishing, and standing by the shore looking like an idiot.

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Fine, different alligator joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, "hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!" The man says, "No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous." The bartender says, "okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it ...

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just...

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

what do you call a knight made of fine china?

sir ramic

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

One fine day

Husband : Today is a fine day.

Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?

Husband : You had said it once,

"One fine day, I'll leave this house"..

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

She was a damn fine car.

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.
We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone...

Why did the cat get fined?

Because he was caught littering.

My mother-in-law is like a fine wine.

Too much of her gives me a headache.

Tax vs. Fine

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

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Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine.

Then again, I could just be full of shit.

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A fine conductor.

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piece...

I have some fine parking skills.

I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

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Man: I love my women like fine wine.

Woman: To enjoy them after dinner?

Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

A young couple decided that they didn't want kids and everyone was fine with it.

Except for their kids.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

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Needing a license to drive a car is fine.

I can understand needing a permit to carry a firearm.



I guess needing a degree to practice medicine makes sense -



But having to register to be a sex offender is just too much.

Personally, I'm fine with what Reddit's admins are doing.

It's fun watching them Digg their own grave.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

What's the easiest way to get a fine?

Ask a policeman how he's feeling

One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing...

Just don't go overboard

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

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A beautiful girl is like a fine wine.

But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough.

I fined a man £250 after he parked in a handicapped zone.

He was never going to catch me in his wheelchair.

"I'm just fine"

A farmer is walking down a country road with his horse and dog on his way home from the fields. A truck hits them, the farmer is injured while the horse and dog are killed in the accident.

Later, the farmer takes the driver to court to sue for damages, while giving his statement the truck dri...

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My sex life lately has been like very fine jewelry

100% handmade

When a guy says "I'm Fine"

what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

I used to do fine arts, until I decided I didn’t like the arts.

Now I’m doing just fine.

I walk around like everything’s fine,

but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off

Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500

I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.

After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

Donald Trump's marriage will be fine.

He only went through a Stormy patch.

My attorney specializes in fine dining...

He's a sue chef.

One ant is fine

The rest are redundANT

One fine day..

One fine day in the middle of the night

two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

pulled out knives and shot each other.

Two deaf policeman heard the noise

and ran to save the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true,...

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A high school has a $10 swear fine.

One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying “shit”.


He gives the teacher a twenty and says:


“Keep the fucking change.”

If you want to get in a canoe go ahead. If you want to enjoy the lake without a canoe that's fine too.

I just don't get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can't we all just enjoy the lake together?

It was a fine Sunday morning...

... and the devil was bored.

He picked a nice quiet country side church and rolled up in a cloud of foul smoke and brimstone. Right in the middle of the sermon.

Screams all around as the flock run for their lives. All that is, except for the priest and a wizened old farmer chewing on ...

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It was one fine day

I was walking along the street the other day when

I slipped in dogshit.

A minute later a guy did the same thing.

I said to him ," Hey I just did that".

So he just punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Women are like fine wines

You can get them cheaper if you go abroad

My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine

she stopped crying for help 2 days ago

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One fine day, a billionaire was walking his dog.

Suddenly a man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?". The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said to "Go kill that son-of-a-bitch"".

The billionaire hugged the killer & said .....

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

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I looked her up and down and said girl your looking fine

Then she pulled out a penis that was twice the size of mine

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

I'm like a fine wine.

I was once fresh pickings but now I'm old, bottled up and a little fruity.'

One fine day dad told me he hopes I get high

Or was it high hopes for me? Anyhow here we are...

A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine

I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away

The Trump presidency will be fine...

Remember when NWO took over WCW? In the end, it turned out ok too.

There’s a fine line between poverty and stupidity

And Trump wants to build a wall on it

Fine, if Russia wants to keep Putin in office indefinitely,

Then Soviet

I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”

and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!

Judge: you are fined for drinking whilst driving...

Defendant: But i drank first, then i drove

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

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