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Fall Asleep Jokes

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Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex?

Because they still need to drive home

Why did people fall asleep watching gun barrels being made?

Because it was boring

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”

Couldn't fall asleep so I started counting sheep ...

Couldn't fall asleep, so I started counting sheep and everything was great as I was drifting off to dreamland THEN one of the sheep said "Hey pal - I think you forgot to make your car insurance payment 7 days ago!" - and I sat up ... wide awake and said "Ewe have got to be kidding me!"

What did the Welsh man do to fall asleep quicker?

He started counting women.

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

What does the impotent, dyslexic, physicist with insomnia think about while he tries to fall asleep?

His hadron

Why did the Ukrainian fall asleep?

He wanted to catch some Z’s

In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"

The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."

"What? Everything is work?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"

"Yes, wood work", they repl...

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Where do babies always fall asleep?

inside a hot car

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

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How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides

Probably because their main courses are enormous

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all ...

Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep?

It had nothing to lion.

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

Slapping someone usually wakes them up, but slapping them harder can make them fall asleep....

What if you slap them harder while they're sleeping?
They sleep 2x better?

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Why was the person who wouldn't fall asleep jailed?

He was resisting a rest.

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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Why Couldn't 3 Fall Asleep ?

He was afraid , he would make an ass of himself .

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

I couldn’t sleep so I googled “how to fall asleep?”

Step 1: Stay off your phone before bed

Step 2: Irony

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How do you get a girlfriend or wife with insomnia to fall asleep?

...tell them you’re horny.

I was supposed to fall asleep in 18 minutes

But 6 minutes later I was dozen off

Thought of this one while trying to fall asleep

What did the juvenile electrician say to the other juvenile electrician when asked to come play?




I can't, I'm grounded.

I can fall asleep really fast after I whack off

It's really come in handy

What do you call it when you fall asleep on a rocket?

Spacing out

How do you make a child fall asleep at night?

You scare the living daylights outta them.

Why do we listen to white noise to fall asleep?

Because black noise hits too hard and rattles the windows

People get mad at Tesla drivers for falling asleep behind the wheel.

My car must be broken. Every time I fall asleep while driving it takes me to the hospital.

So a man becomes sick with a disease that causes him to turn multiple colors, and fall asleep for an indefinite amount of time.

His family takes him to a hospital after he has not woken up after a few days, with the hospital being absolutely confused on what condition this man is in. One day one of the head doctors come in to update the family on the unconscious, rainbow man's condition.

"Doctor, do you have any news ...

Mr. Jones falls asleep in church.

Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it.
She says to him, "pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can ...

"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

-Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?

-Oh shut it, it was just one time.

I fall asleep every night

While browsing the chlora forum

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How do you make a Welshman fall asleep?

Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime.

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

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You fall asleep in lecture

and when you wake up you cannot remember what class you are in. A demonstration is happening at the front of the class. How do you figure out where you are?

If the demo moves its biology, if it stinks its chemistry, and if it doesn't work its physics.

How do big yellow machinery fall asleep.

they bulldoze

Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel?

He needed a place to crash.

I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.

My cab drivers keep reporting me to the cops.

I used to fall asleep in class nearly every day in school until I got to college.

Then, I just skipped.

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

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if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

-Jimmy Carr

p.s. never high five a rabbi

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

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What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

How do you know if you have bad acne?

You fall asleep in the library, and when you wake up, a blind man is reading your face

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

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