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Jose Jokes

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Jose and Carlos

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
...

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

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Jose went to the urologist for an exam...

When he removed his pants the doctor was surprised at what he saw.

"You have two penises!" Said the doctor.

"Yeah, I know." Jose replies, "I call the one on the left 'Little Jose.'"

The doctor smiles at the joke, "What about the other one?"

"I call that one 'Little Hose B...

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top an...

A man named Jose moved to America...

A man named Jose moved to America and the first thing he does is go to a baseball game because it seemed like a very American thing to do. When he got there he had to sit by the flag and there were many tall people in front of him. Suddenly everyone in the stadium turned toward him and sang, "Jo-ose...

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Jose and Carlos are butt fucking in the shower

when the doorbell rings. Jose quickly blows his load, pulls his dick out of Carlos’ ass, and says “hold on I need to get this it could be the delivery man”. Before leaving the bathroom Jose notices that Carlos’ dick is rock hard and he’s stroking it intensely. Jose says to Carlos “You better not cum...

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Jose said...

Fuck the wall I'll go up the coast

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Jose offered a prostitute $20 for sex . . .

“No way!” ho say.

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

Tropical Storm Jose will not make it into the US.

Donald Trump won't allow it.

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

San Jose

A friend of mine a went to the US embassy for a visa. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose". The immigration officer corrects him that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' J is pronounced as ''H'' in the States.'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to H...

Why does the capital of Puerto Rico have the same look as San Jose and San Salvador?

Because, when you've San Juan you've San them all.

So hurricane Jose is growing in the Atlantic..

It's going to set records as the first hurricane to put a new roof on your house...

What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.

He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and...

Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun...

Tequila

American Hospitality

A Mexican fellow named Jose went to his first baseball game on his first trip to America.

When he returned to his home town his amigos asked him all about his first baseball game.

"It was wonderful" He said. " The game was sold out but when they learned that I had travelled a long ...

Jose Mourinho has been brought in to help Theresa May with Brexit negotiations.

He made leaving Europe look so easy.

2 refugees cross the border.

2 refugees cross the border. They wander in the desert, lost and running low on supplies. They continue on until a week later. Now out of supplies and really struggling, one of them stops and says, "Hey, Jose, you smell that"?

Jose sniffs the air and replies, " No, I don't smell anything"....

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila...

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

Jose and hose B

What did the dad with milk sensitivities say to the waiter at a Mexican restaurant when asked if he wanted cheese with his taco?

No whey, Jose.

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

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There was a Mexican boy born with two dicks. He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second one?

Hose B

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how fri...

If you…

…use tequila instead of ground beef, it’s called a Sloppy Jose.

Can you teach me some Spanish?

Steve- Can you teach me some Spanish

Jose- no

Steve- please

Jose- no

Steve- pretty please

Jose- no means no

Steve- Thanks man!

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

A person was pulled over in California

The police officer asked “Where are you going to?”
The person replied “To San Jose” (pronouncing it with the “j” sound)
The police officer said “In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here”
The person said “Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave aroun...

What do call a Hispanic fella that ran out of protein powder?

No-whey Jose.

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glori...

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

How does the Mexican national anthem start?

Jose can you see.....

A guy decides he’s had enough of society and moves wayyy up north...

He finds a tiny cabin out in the middle of nowhere, about 30 miles from a small town.

He sets up his place and goes into town to buy provisions. As he’s closing the sale, he asks the shopkeeper of the general store/cafe’ if there are, by any chance, any women in town:

“Nope! No women...

First time at a ballgame

A man living in Mexico gets a phonecall from his cousin living in New York.

"Hey Jose, I haven't seen you in a while, it would be great if you could come up here to New York. I have tickets for a Mets game, you would love it!"

Jose decided this would be fun, and takes a plane to New Y...

Did you hear about the Spanish Fire Brigade

jose and hose b

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Long distance relationships are hard...

I haven’t seen my girl for a month and worst I haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks...









—Jose Cervantes

Did you hear about the Mexican guy with 2 weiners?

He named one Jose and the other hose-B

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

The doctor sits first and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
The nurse sits second and orders a shot of Jose Cuervo.
The mom sits last and says "I'm sorry but i don't do shots" then falls to the flood dead from polio.

If you drop your wallet in San Francisco

kick it to San Jose, before you pick it up.

[long] Another blond guy joke...

Three best friends worked in construction together on the same crew. They were working on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for their lunch break. They sat on the edge of the building, legs dangling over the edge, enjoying the view as they ate their lunches.
Guido opened his lunch ...

So a latino man and his friend decide to go to a baseball game together.

He made it a point to be there very early so that they wouldn't miss the singing of the star-spangled banner as it was his favorite part of any sporting event.

As they're waiting for it to be sung his friend asks him out of curiosity, "hey man, why is this your favorite part of the game?" And...

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God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

Self esteem is…

…what happens when Jose and Pedro build their own sauna.

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