I really hate satellites....

They’re just a waste of *space*

I don’t tell satellite jokes.

They’re always over your head and they never land.

Two satellites fall in love

They get married and on their wedding day the ceremony was bad but the reception was incredible

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

An engineer dies and goes to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Someone called me on the phone and asked me if I wanted satellite radio.

I said, “ are you Serius “?

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What's worse than a satellite around Saturn?

A probe in Uranus.

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

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A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

Why does Elon Musk want so many satellites?

He’s transmitten with them.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

My girlfriend walked out on me, with my Bob Marley CD and Satellite dish.

Oh well, No Woman No Sky.

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How long does it take a satellite to reach Uranus?

Bend over and I'll show you.

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am th...

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

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LONG: A shepherd and a young guy

A shepherd was watching his sheep, enjoying a nice sunny afternoon when, in a cloud of dust, a 2021 BMW x6 stops on the nearby road, the window rolls down and a young guy asks "Hey, old man, if I can guess correctly the number of animals you're watching, can I have a sheep for free?". "Sure" says th...

I can’t get my satellite radio to work

I’m having sirius issues

I'm moving in a few days and I asked my neighbor if he wanted my satellite

Told em it's on the house.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

I got charged for a satellite dish the other day...

I was furious. He told me it'd be on the house.

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

My satellite navigation told me to turn around.

Now I can't see where I'm driving.

What satellite TV provider does ISIS use?

Daesh Network

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

A Flat-Earther is explaining her views at a job interview.

She begins with: “So the reason the Earth appears round is because the windows bulge out, making it look round.”

The man shrugs.

“The cameras on satellites are also round, giving off the same roundness. We’ve never seen it blankly, so it must be flat.”

The man stares at her, bef...

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What do two horny astronauts do in the orbiting satellite? (NSFW)

They Fuck Around

In a competition between CIA, Mossad and MSS (Chinese intllelligence), they are tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest...

The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an arrey of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time.
The Mossad, returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a f...

Why are astrophysicists always nervous before they launch a new satellite?

It can be a very Hubble-ing experience.

These jokes may not be funny for you, but they are Fermi.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

The Falcon Heavy is now the world’s most powerful rocket

The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or...

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There was a special forces competition...

And USA, Russia and China got into the finals.

For the finals, the question was this:
Go into the forest, and find the rabbit.

So the Russians went first.

They brought with them 100 of their finest and searched the whole forest, inch by inch they looked for traces of the rabb...

What did people say after two satellite dishes got married?

The wedding was dull, but the reception was great.

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

Yo momma so fat

Her driver's license picture had to be taken by satellite

Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon.

Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."


BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

Reception

-An antenna and a satellite dish meet on a roof. The get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

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"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says....

We Indians have proved that

We can't only overload taxi's, auto's, buses, trains, lorries but also Satellites.

Good Point!

An American, Russian and a Pol are sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The Russian stands up and proclaims "We Russians are the best because we were first to send a satellite into orbit!” The American stands up and say's “That's nothing. We Americans were first to put a man on the Moon!” The Pol s...

NASA sends Blonde to space.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two monkeys and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first monkey and asks, "Monkey #1, do you know your mission?"

The monkey replies, "ooah ooah!. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar sat...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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