This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, “Figure it out yourselves.”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you have infinite boobs?

Infinititties.

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

"There are two sorts of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my all time favourites.... makes me laugh every single time.

Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her. His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.

Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"

"...

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

An infinite number of Mathematicians

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

Nothing is better than infinite happiness; a pizza is better than nothing

Therefore a pizza is better than infinite happiness

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of ...

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Like Einstein said, "Only 2 things are infinite, human stupidity And...

WinRAR trial version".

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Einstein said that anything traveling at the speed of light would have infinite mass.

Your mom only travels to the Denny's and back and she's gotten pretty close.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

What's the difference between an infinite line and an infinitely large circle?

There is no difference.

The joke is you just learned math.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Two Guys, One Conversation, Infinite Recursion

Joe: *Waves hand at John* Hello?

John: Hey Joe! Doc just told me I'm gonna have memory problems from my concussion now!

Joe: Me too. This is bad. Did he tell you what happened?

John: Yeah, he did.

Joe: What did he tell you?

John: So he told me that us two guys walk...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one to enter asked for a pint of whatever's on tap.

The second, third, fourth, and so on all the way to the infinite subsequent patron to enter said "I'll have half of what he's having", pointing to the person who came before him.

The bar tender responded "you're all idiots!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

why do i make infinite squiggly lines?

cos i can. it would be a sin not to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl that can table dance infinitely due to unusual geometry infinitely due to unusual the geometry

A Mobius stripper

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...which quickly becomes overcrowded. The bartender trying to take jocular orders for one beer than half a beer than a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth is crushed to death as are all the other patrons. And the mathematicians themselves, of course. Still they walk in. Somehow they force thems...

My laziness is like the number 8!

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.

I finally came up with a good punchline for the "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar" joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a third of a pint, and the fourth one is about to order when the bartender waves him off and pours two full pints. “Whoa whoa, hold on,” says the mathematician...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.