UPJOKE
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app.

It just sent an ambulance to my house.

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

I started a Tinder app for chickens.

It’s not full time or anything. I just do it to make hens meet.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

Did you hear about that dating app for Lumberjacks?

Timber!

I always mix up my sandwich and hookup apps.

All I know is I have a foot long Italian arriving soon.

Little known fact #38: One of the first online "hook-up" apps started out using Sean Connery to do their voice overs. They soon noticed they were only getting hits from roofers.

Apparently they were interested in the dozens of hot shingles in their area.

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

There is an app called Monstr for finding the supernatural date of your dreams

Apparently it came out after the release of the Twilight franchise caused a spike in the popularity of mythical beings as romantic partners.

A friend of mine, I'll call her Bella for privacy, was on the app for a bit and her first match was a Lycanthrope. They went for a long walk and afterw...

Round on a joke app: Three engineers and three accountants take a train for a business trip.

The accountants each buy themselves a ticket, then the engineers buy one. After turning to walk away, the accountants ask the other two engineers why they didn't get one. They say they don't need em to get there. "But how will you all ride the train?" Anyway, they all board the train and the three a...

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with sign language. We’ll call it *inAudible*.

I told my Dad I'd got a new app that would make Amazon Alexa be my girlfriend.

Dad: "You can do much better than that."

Me: "Thanks."

Dad: "I was talking to Alexa."

I don't understand why Elon Musk wants to buy Twitter for $40bn

You can get it for free from the app store.

The Catholic Church just released a new app... But...

It's pay to pray.

My wife asked why I had the only fans app on my phone.

I responded to fund her sisters college tuition.

I am thinking of developing a dating app for rich old guys.

I will call it "22 and Me".

I mixed up the Pizza Hut app and Grindr.

There is a 10” vegetarian with extra cheese on the way over and I’m not sure what to expect….

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.

Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"

Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"

Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"


Source: ...

There's a new app for people recovering from bad dates.

Anyone ever tried \*Cinder\*?

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Calculator app

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

Why doesn't the Reddit app auto-rotate from portrait to landscape?

So you can still use it while you lay sobbing in the fetal position.

Video app

There’s a new video app for people with no parents, it’s called OrFans.

We all know the app for learning to speak another language is Duolingo but did you know

That to learn to speak in tongues, you need Cunnilingo?

I made a dating app for marionettes, and it failed.

Everyone wanted No Strings Attached dating.

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

Which Disney Princess is always on dating apps?

Tinderella.

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

What's a bungee jumper's least favorite app?

Discord

What is Thanos' favorite social media app?

Snapchat.

I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars

...look out for BarTinder

My banking app isn't working!

I called their customer support and they said we can try deleting your cache!

I was like hell no!

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Y'all hear about after all the commotion over the robinhood stock trading app decided to change its name.

From robinhood to HOODWINKED

What's he difference between Robin Hood and Robinhood?

Robin Hood is apt to steal while Robinhood is app to steal.

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...

You don't have toupee.

Have you played the reddit apps drinking game?

You drink until the page loads. It took me three beers to make this post

Rioters now have their own dating app.

It’s called Plenty of Sheep

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

Tik Tok is mostly just millions of users imitating each other.

They should change the name of the app to Kpy Kat.

My son made up this joke. Knock knock

-Who's there?
-Alexa
-Alexa who?
-Sorry I don't know that one. You can always leave feedback on the Alexa app.

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

(This was a clue on the Daily Crossword app today which I couldn't figure out. I thought it was cute.)

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

What is a trees favorite dating App?

Timber

As told by my 11 year old

I keep meeting bi women on the apps

Every time I say hello they say Byeee

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

Woke up this morning, my BBC app gave me 5 separate push notifications that Trump has covid

I've never seen an app so excited before

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

Why are people so surprised by reposts on this app?

It’s literally called Read-it

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

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David Hughes' joke

I have this app idea, it's a pregnancy test. You piss on the phone, and if the phone is covered in piss you're not allowed to have kids.

Tried to post in Shower Thoughts

Imagine a dating app for fans of Mandalorian assassins and bdsm. Could call it BobaFet.

cats

There's a new dating app for cats in Prague...

it's called Czech Meowt

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

My new phone app...

I meant to download a calendar app for my phone, by my eyesight is so bad I downloaded a colander app... now my battery just keeps draining.

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

Guys need your support .

I am starting my new venture, a food App that will help all of you reduce weight dramatically.

Basically it works as follows:

You order, we don't deliver!
Seeking your support as always!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found this amazing app that let's you find out which of your friends are racists, which ones are sexists and even which ones are just crazy.

It's called 'Facebook'.

Have y'all heard about this new app that lets you see ghosts?

It's called Tinder

Why can’t orphan exit out of an app

He can’t find home

The reposts on this app are getting annoying.

It's annoying because I've reddit all before.

Who has the thickest coffee?

App developers. They like their Java GUI.

Your Mama's SO Stupid...

She tried to start a fire using the tinder app.

(I told this joke to my friend and he suggested i post it here.)

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Tinder and similar apps, girls keep asking me about my height

Are we sure these girls wanna fuck or are they basketball scouts?

The Chinese premier was spotted selling people a popular Linux terminal app on the beach.

Xi sells C shells by the seashore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

yo mama is so old..

her profile is on carbon dating apps

My new dating app openers gonna be like

Have you recently traveled outside the country?

Have you recently come in close contact with someone who traveled outside the country?

Are you experiencing any cough and/or fever?

How many Millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no app for that.

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

What my jokes have in common with food bought from apps?

They're good but poorly delivered.

What's thanos's favourite app?

Snapchat

What’s Andy Bernard’s favorite app?

Reddit did di doo

my friend thought of a name for a dating app for old people

I've fallen for you and I cant get up

What do cell phones order at dinner?

Apps.

Dating apps...

Make me realize how shallow everybody else is and how boring I truly am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

There is a new dating-app especially for peadophiles.

Kinder

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone....

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.

What is a white supremacists favorite dating app?

Ancestry dot com

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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