UPJOKE
officerskippermilitarymasterchieftainleadernavycommanderlieutenantsailorwar machinearmed forcesarmed servicesadmiralcolonel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

How many ears does captain Kirk have?

Three, his left ear, his right ear and his final frontier

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a Navy Captain convince his sailors to stop pissing off the back of the boat?

He gives them a stern talking to.

What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

"It's not you, it's Smee."

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest...

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

Captain's log...

...has clogged the toilet again. He really needs a change of diet.

Do you know who could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does captain Picard say to Initiate sex?

Make it grow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

what did Captain Jack Sparrow say when he got home?

"ARRRGGG! She shipped my bed!"

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that ne...

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.


"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.


"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
...

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he co...

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

Stranded on an island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.



Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,



“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Captain Kirk only have sex with virgins?

He boldly goes where no man has gone before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman meet in a New York bar. She learns that he is a deck hand on a commercial ship.

“That must be wonderful,” she says. “You get to see the world. I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I have never been able to afford the ticket.”

“How about I smuggle you aboard my ship. I will hide you, and every day I will bring you food and drink in exchange for sex. When we ge...

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate and his newest sailor were at a bar, when the sailor noticed all the captain's scars.

\- How did you get the wooden leg? - asked the sailor.

\- I was fightin' four sharks, I caught three, but one stayed 'n tore me leg off.

\- How did you get the hook?

\- I was fightin' five sharks, I caught four, but one stayed 'n swallowed me hand.

\- And how did you get ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

If they found the captain's log in Picard's bathroom, what did they find in the second officers urinal?

Data stream

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

How does captain Jean-Luc Picard excuse himself from a conversation with Will Riker so he can use the restroom?

I have to go, Number One.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

Captain's Log, 18 June 1773

Really wish I had some paper to write this on, but wood is wood, I suppose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love ship

A sexy young woman who was spurned by her lover and then became unemployed, headed to the Manhattan docks to plunge to her death. She had nothing, no friends, no family, she just wanted to end it all…

As she was about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouted, "Stop! Don't do it!"
She rep...

The Captain's Drink

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer sta...

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second hand store.

The pirate comes up onto the deck

The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.

"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.

The captain replies, "Are".

This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Why did Captain Hook post help wanted posters everywhere?

Because he was short-handed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

Trapped

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was prepari...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

What social media does Captain hook hate?

Tik-tok

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork?

Bob.

Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SCREAMING!

A ship's captain out at sea notices smoke on the horizon...

...he orders the ship to head towards the smoke. As the ship gets closer to the source of the smoke, the captain can see through his binoculars a deserted island with three huts and a man waving his arms to be rescued.

The ship sends a small boat to the island which returns with the man grat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

I'm the captain now...

I work for a large shipping company. While in international waters, a small boat collided with our giant ship. Next thing we know, we're over run with armed people. I saw one in the captains quarters and they were talking. The captain shook his head no and pointed to a sign. The armed men calmly got...

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

I like my lawn like Captain Kirk likes his women.

Thick, lush, soft, and green.

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

Two rival pirate captains agreed to blind each other as a sign of peace between their parties

It was an “Aye” for an “Aye”

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

Where was the captain sent after he hit another ship?

Anchor management

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What did the starship captain say when he peed his pants?

Yellow alert, number one.

Trading places

On a ship the Captain and the Chief Engineer were having a friendly argument as to who had the most important job. So they agreed to exchange jobs for the next day.

After a few hours the Captain, covered in oil and sweat, called the Chief Engineer over and said, "It's no good, no matter what...

A pirate captain with a peg leg walks into a bar.

On his crotch, he's got a ship's helm fastened to him.

The old pirate settles into the bar.

The bartender serves him a drink and finally asks the obvious, "what is the purpose of the helm on your crotch?"

The pirate answers: "Arrrr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Galley Chick

The Airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the ...

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

Why can't the pirate be subordinate to the captain?

Because he's missing the second aye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship was attacked by a group of pirates. All the men were captured, including the captain. One day he complained to the pirates.

Captain: I haven't had sex for weeks. I need a woman please.

Pirates: You can try the barrel with a small hole drilled through it downstairs. It feels just like having sex with a woman.

Captain: Seriously?

The captain, feeling skeptical, went downstairs anyway for the barrel. Af...

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."

"... it'll tip over"

(Credit to The Golden Girls)

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

What did

the shipmates find in the toilet?

The Captain’s log..

If Captain Price was a dog what would he say?

"Bravo 6 going bark"

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

A seaman goes up to his captain

He says “Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon.”

The captain says “ Bring me my red shirt.”

After the battle, the seaman is taking to the captain.

“Captain, why did you tell me to bring you your red shirt?”

“If I was shot, the crew wouldn’t notice and continue fig...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.

"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"Good!" everyone says in unison.

The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"

Why doesn't Captain America like Indian restaurants?

Because they serve Hyderabadis!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

Red shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt! " The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and l...

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

My friend told me the captain of the Ever Given is in denial.

I replied "No, he's in the Suez"

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings?

Language!

Crazy bearded man

A passenger on a cruise ship sees a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" the passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Captain America asks Iron Man "How much did it cost to kill your parents?"

One buck.

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

What's the difference between a homeless man and a boat captain?

One has a boat.

What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk?

Star spangled Banner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know, I was on this plane once..

And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off.

Then he turns to the co-pilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckn' blowjob an' a cup o' coffee!"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foreign Legion(long)

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.