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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

This is your captain speaking,

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

What credit card does the captain of a ship use?

A MasterCard

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

I guess it didn’t Pan out for him.

I hear Ahab was made captain ahead of his more qualified peers...

Talk about white whale privilege.

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.



He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.



He decides to ask someone in hi...

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

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I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

What did captain Kirk leave in the toilet?

A captain's log.

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."

Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

What do you get when you cross Captain America and The Hulk

The Star Spangled Banner

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A man and wife and the captain of a small charter boat capsized and ended up stranded on a deserted island.

It was a very small island with one solitary palm tree.Each day the captain and the husband of the wife would take turns climbing the tree to look for rescue vessels.This went on for days then weeks.The captain was starting to get restless and horny so he came up with a plan.He was high up in the tr...

Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.

In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and o...

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What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

What’s Captain America’s favorite type of coffee?

Americano

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

A captain's first mate climbed to the top deck of the ship

He saw the ship's wheel dangling from the captain's crotch. He called out, "Ahoy cap'n what be that on yer crotch?"
"I don't rightly know laddie, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers?

Under their buckin' hats.

What did Captain Picard say to the quilting machine repairman?

Make it sew.

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

Where does Captain America go when he dies?

Chris Heavens

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

Army vs. Navy

“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”

What did the captain do before he drove against an iceberg for the third time?

Think twice.

How did captain hook die?

He used the wrong hand when wiping his ass.

If they come out with a new Captain America movie...

Can it be called Back in Black?

What did the cyclops sailor say to his captain?

Eye captain

Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”

WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

A worker on the Titanic comes to the captain.

Worker: Sir we have hit an iceberg.

Captain: So?

Worker: I don't think you understand. Just let that sink in.

A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.

"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese

Brie.

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

What did Captain America order at Starbucks?

One Iced Americano.

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day?

Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

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Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3

A Left Ear

A Right Ear

And a Final Front-Ear

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A U.S. Captain sends his best lieutenant on an investigation.

It's 1944, A U.S. navy Captain says to his best lieutenant "If we want to win this war against the Germans, we can't have any gays aboard. I want you to go from sailor to sailor, conducting an investigation to determine if we have any aboard." The lieutenant nods and salutes and eagerly sets off on ...

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

Pirate Goes Up To His Captain As They're About To Raid A Ship

The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"

The Captain says, "*Are.*"

Just before the flight, the captain turns to his co-pilot and asks "So, why did you want to become a pilot?"

Co-pilot: I wanted to overcome my biggest fear in life.

Captain: And what's that? Fear of heights?

Co-pilot: Dying alone.

What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?

A leper Khan.

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said...

“Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm”

“Eye”

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

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[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

The red-shirted Captain

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me...

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two ...

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

Where do you strike a captain on the nose?

the bridge

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An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of seaman.

What did the Captain yell when he saw the mariachi band?

A BAND ON SHIP

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

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