This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

"This is your captain speaking"

**"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."**

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Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

“Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm”

“Eye”

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3

A Left Ear

A Right Ear

And a Final Front-Ear

The brave captain

My dad told me this joke a few years ago and I thought it was pretty funny. Not sure if this has been posted before though so sorry if it has!

There once was a brave sailor with a very small crew on a very small ship. One day, while they were fishing, a ship filled with pirates was on the way...

What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?

A leper Khan.

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

I saw Captain Marvel....my review score is...

78 cents out of one dollar

Just before the flight, the captain turns to his co-pilot and asks "So, why did you want to become a pilot?"

Co-pilot: I wanted to overcome my biggest fear in life.

Captain: And what's that? Fear of heights?

Co-pilot: Dying alone.

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said...

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ...

Pirate Goes Up To His Captain As They're About To Raid A Ship

The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"

The Captain says, "*Are.*"

Where do you strike a captain on the nose?

the bridge

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An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.

You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two ...

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[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

If The Hulk took over for Captain America...

Would he be a Star Spangled Banner?

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of seaman.

The red-shirted Captain

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me...

Why does Captain Hook not have children ?

Because he once scratched his balls

What did the wood loving man say to the captain of a wooden boat?

Permission to come on board?

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

What does Captain Picard say when he goes to a Chinese restaurant?

"Make it Tso!"

What did the Captain yell when he saw the mariachi band?

A BAND ON SHIP

What did the pirate captain say to his boy when he burned down his ship?

Arr, son.

People tell me I look like Captain America!

Before he got his Super Soldier Serum...

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

What did the generous pirate captain tell his crew?

The loot is arrrrrs.

What's Captain America's favorite coffee?

Iced Americano

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.

Sitting next to the marine, ...

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What is Captain Picard's least favorite type of meal?

A smorgasborg.

A Roman Pirate Captain asks tells their crew to "Find me the answer to i plus i"

The crew responds with "ii, captain"

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

What was Captain Hook's cause of the death?

Itchy balls...

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the cr...

A pirate captain and his first mate...

...were standing on their ship, watching the crew come back from shore leave. The captain pointed at one of the pirates walking up the gangplank and said, "You see that sea dog?"

"Aye Cap'm," said the first mate.

"Well he's just been to the doctor."

"Do ya know that just by loo...

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

What is Captain Kirks most hated pie?

Pe-KHAAAAAAANNN!

How did Captain Bird's-eye die?

He was battered by a cod.

A captain is giving orders to soldiers staying in line

After finishing he asked if anyone had a question to ask.

One of the soldiers asks “I’m sorry Sir, but why do your boots have different colours, one black and one brown?”

Captain realizes that he really has two different boots and says that he will go home and change them, and that s...

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the sho...

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

Why was Captain America anemic?

He wasn't getting enough iron, man.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

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A captain was caught watching porn while on his shift...

He was demoted to a Lewdtenant

A pirate captain says to his first mate...

“Where are my buccaneers?”

“Aye Cap’n, they’re on the sides of your buccan’ head!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized t...

After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle.

He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

What does Captain Hook do when he is bored?

Beats Smee.

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration.

"Beat Smee," he replied.

"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know."

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

Why didn't Santa ever bring Captain Nemo any presents?

Because Nemo was always on the Nautilus (Naughty List). My 8 year old came up with that one.

Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.

For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke.

Two Pirate captains sat at a bar driniking, and they were both each others biggest fan.

"You are quite the Pirate. I know of ye and your men. The most fearsome thing on the sea" Complimented Bloodbeard.

"Well I know too well 'you - "Sea Butcher". One Handed Jack! You are the scourge of the seas! We are indebted to host your accompanyment!"

"Also known are ye for your gram...

[repost] The captain called the sergeant in....

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’s mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. <...