I smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry..

I lost ctrl

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

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I just smashed a jar of mayo in the store

Fuckin Hellmann ...

In a fit of rage I smashed my keyboard til all the keys popped off.

I guess you could say I lost Ctrl.

My roommate was playing a video game last night and when he died he completely smashed his keyboard...

yeah, he definitely lost Control.

I just smashed into a car

The car pulled over and a dwarf got out.

I asked “Which one are you ?”

He replied.

“I’m not Happy!”

I came home and all my windows were smashed out.

I was shattered

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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Last night i was getting smashed in the asshole

When I thought what a strange name for a pub.

Last night I smashed my friends Mom.-

I stopped by my friend's house late last night. I rang the doorbell and his mom answered. Apparently he wasn't home because he was off studying with some other friends at their place. She told me to come in, so I did. I took my shoes off and went to the living room and sat on the couch. She came bac...

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings...

Such pointless wonton destruction.

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

I smashed a CD in half...

Bits flew everywhere.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front.

Thankfully there were no casual teas

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

The airline smashed my luggage

so I asked my lawyer if I could sue them... he said, "you don't have much of a case".

I got furious and smashed my phone

I was getting too many notifications from a meditation app.

Yesterday a redditer smashed a hole in my fence...

But he reassured me he could repost it within the hour

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Little johnny was out walking with his mother.

Little johnny found 2 flies, 1 on top of the other. He caught them in his hands and looked inside.

Little johnny asked "Mommy, are there boy flies?"

Mom replied "Yes honey, there are."

He looked again "Mommy, are there girl flies?"

The mom didn't want him to learn to much...

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

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Horny man got lost in the desert

He walked and walked and walked and after a month he saw a camel. Then he thought, Finally! Something to fuck! He went to the camel but quickly realized there was a problem, the camels ass was up to high for him. So he went to look for something he could stand on and found this big rock. He took it,...

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.

He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.

Tony: "You okay there?"

Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

Quasimodo Part 2

After Quasimodo’s funeral the next Sunday, his identical twin brother Farsimodo that no one knew he had was so distraught that he vowed to take up his brother’s mantle. Realizing that the funeral got out right before he had to ring the bells for the first time, he made a mad dash for the spires of ...

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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:

-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for ...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

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